Month: March 2013
Songs That Made Childhood Magical: “7” by the Alligator King #sesamestreet
Okay, so No. 9 in the “Ten Best Meals I Ever Ate” List is not going to appear today. I’m on the fourth day of a complete fast/cleanse, i.e. no solid food and only lemon-water, honey and cayenne pepper to sustain me. Thus, my long and illustrious history of gastronomic adventure is the last thing I want to expound-upon, at the moment. Instead, we’ll … Read More Songs That Made Childhood Magical: “7” by the Alligator King #sesamestreet
HazMat HOF Women We Need to See More Often: Juliette Binoche
Best Meal I Ever Ate No. 9 coming tomorrow. Meanwhile, my mind is on chocolate. More particularly, my mind is on Chocolat … HAZMAT HALL OF FAME (WOMEN WE NEED TO SEE MORE OFTEN) TODAY’S FORTUNATE HONOREE: JULIETTE BINOCHE PEDESTAL-WORTHY LEGACY: The English Patient (as “Hana”) 1996 and Chocolat (as “Vianne”) 2000, etc. GUILTY OF VEHICULAR FANSLAUGHTER: The British gave her a bit of … Read More HazMat HOF Women We Need to See More Often: Juliette Binoche
TEN BEST MEALS I EVER ATE (Where, Why & What-Not) Number 10: Cafe Sud at Sofitel El Gezirah, Cairo
TEN BEST MEALS I EVER ATE: THE WHERES, THE WHYS and THE HOWTOFORES (And I Can’t Believe I’m Dredging This Up NOW, When I’m On a 10-Day FAST! Then Again, Of Course I’m Dredging it Up. Dream, Boy, Dream. That’s All You’ve Got, for the Moment …) 10. Cafe Sud (Sofitel El Gezirah, Cairo) Forget the Cairo smog and the fact that you need … Read More TEN BEST MEALS I EVER ATE (Where, Why & What-Not) Number 10: Cafe Sud at Sofitel El Gezirah, Cairo
HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD FANTASY CINEMA): Trolling for Ideas, Were We?
HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD FANTASY CINEMA) by Jonathan Kieran TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: TROLL (1986) GUILTY OF VEHICULAR FANSLAUGHTER: Noah Hathaway as “Harry Potter Jr.”; Michael Moriarty as “Harry Potter Sr.”; Julia Louis-Dreyfus as “Jeanette”; Sonny Bono as “Peter”; Shelley Hack as “Anne”; June Lockhart as “Elaine St. Claire”; Phil Fondocaro as “Malcolm Mallory” and “Torok” (titular troll). RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Whoah, is this … Read More HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD FANTASY CINEMA): Trolling for Ideas, Were We?
HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD MUSIC): WORK that Monkey-Coat Right ‘Round!
HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD MUSIC) TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: “You Spin Me (Like A Record)” by Dead or Alive (1985) GUILTY OF VEHICULAR FANSLAUGHTER: Lead singer Pete Burns for imitating Boy George imitating a rabid chicken imitating a goat being skewered alive up the wazoo with a rotisserie-spit. RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: One of the most egregiously nauseating sonic pop-disturbances ever to assault human eardrums … Read More HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD MUSIC): WORK that Monkey-Coat Right ‘Round!
HazMat Headline Du Jour: Are Those Kidneys Sustainable? by Jonathan Kieran
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Science Fiction Comes Alive as Researchers Grow Organs in Lab CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9.5 (Catastrophic) There is every likelihood that, given current trends in abhorrent human behavior, human organs could soon be grown and packaged as popular snacks and “What’s for dinner tonight?” solutions, rather than for medical purposes. RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Scientists are using industrial detergents to basically frazzle-fry parts … Read More HazMat Headline Du Jour: Are Those Kidneys Sustainable? by Jonathan Kieran
HAZMAT-RETRO HALL of FAME (LOVABLY UNDERRATED CELEBRITIES): Titian-Haired Temptress Tina Louise
HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF FAME (LOVABLY UNDERRATED CELEBRITIES) by JONATHAN KIERAN TODAY’S FORTUNATE HONOREE: TINA LOUISE (Actress, Singer, Author, Model, Humanitarian, Rival of Ockham’s Razor as Philosophical/Existential “Debate”) PEDESTAL-WORTHY LEGACY: “Ginger” on TV’s excruciatingly immortal Gilligan’s Island; “Charmaine Wimpiris,” one of the original Stepford Wives; “Griselda” in God’s Little Acre; J.R. Ewing’s ill-fated secretary, “Julie,” on the original Dallas series; It’s Time for Tina album … Read More HAZMAT-RETRO HALL of FAME (LOVABLY UNDERRATED CELEBRITIES): Titian-Haired Temptress Tina Louise
HAZMAT-RETRO HALL of LAME (LOVABLY BAD CINEMA): Goo-Lovin’ Giants … In their Own Village!
HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD CINEMA) TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS (1965) GUILTY OF VEHICULAR FANSLAUGHTER: Director: Bert Gordon with “Stars”: Beau Bridges, Tommy Kirk, Joy Harmon, Johnny Crawford, Ron Howard, Robert Random, Toni Basil, Vicki London, and other Assorted Aces of Awfulness RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Based (more loosely than a herd of rabid, wailing cows attempting to convincingly dance the Virginia … Read More HAZMAT-RETRO HALL of LAME (LOVABLY BAD CINEMA): Goo-Lovin’ Giants … In their Own Village!
HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD TV): Bionic Babe Rules Globe! ~by Jonathan Kieran
*Two days of madness and drama. (Or was it five?) Nevertheless, back we arrive in the realm of cultural detoxification with a few modifications. Namely, I am introducing a new feature, a little more razzle to flesh-out the dazzle. A variation on the usual crap, basically. Without further ado … HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD TV) TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: THE BIONIC WOMAN (1976-1977, … Read More HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD TV): Bionic Babe Rules Globe! ~by Jonathan Kieran
Pop HazMat Alert: PETA Weeps Over Abused Pool-Shark from Van Nuys … Kmart Circles Wagons
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Humane Group Probing Death of Shark in Kmart Commercial Shoot CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9. 5 (Near-Catastrophic. Target would have handled this with so much more dignity.] RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Despite frenzied attempts at revivification via oxygen and shots of adrenaline, a 5-ft. white-tipped shark died of likely humiliation after spending an undetermined amount of time in a “small above-ground pool” in … Read More Pop HazMat Alert: PETA Weeps Over Abused Pool-Shark from Van Nuys … Kmart Circles Wagons
Pop HazMat Alert: Don’t Make the Roach Ride in Coach!
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Greyhound Bus Forced to Pull Over After Cockroaches Complain About Infestation of Humans* CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 7.5 [Considerable. The cockroaches were not at all pleased with the quality of Greyhound’s human clientele and were worried about the spread of potential diseases, to say nothing of rather questionable moral standards.] RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: A Greyhound bus en route from Atlantic City to … Read More Pop HazMat Alert: Don’t Make the Roach Ride in Coach!
Jonathan Kieran 
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HAZMAT-RETRO HALL of LAME: Vienna Sausages …Good Enough for Lohan, Good Enough for You
by Jonathan Kieran
HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD FOOD FROM CHILDHOOD ) TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: VIENNA SAUSAGES RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: In America, these dainties consist of the unspeakable parts of beef, pork and chicken combined with wiggly rat tails (for color), all thrown in a Secret Hadron Atom-Smasher located 5 miles beneath the earth near Vienna, Austria and transformed into pudgy little cylinders of Molded Maybe-Meat. DEFINITIVE … Read More HAZMAT-RETRO HALL of LAME: Vienna Sausages …Good Enough for Lohan, Good Enough for You