Month: March 2013

Pop HazMat Alert: Famous Old Maneating Reptile Dies in Philippines (Not Imelda Marcos)

HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: World’s Largest Saltwater Crocodile in Captivity Dies in the Philippines CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 7 [Reports indicate that the recently deceased tourist-attraction will be stuffed, shellacked, and replaced with two more animals destined to be taunted with stones, coins, and loogies until they, too, will themselves to perish after years in bleak captivity.] RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: “Lolong,” a 20ft. saltwater crocodile reputed … Read More Pop HazMat Alert: Famous Old Maneating Reptile Dies in Philippines (Not Imelda Marcos)

Pop HazMat Alert: American Birds Migrating (For Their Very Lives) to North Korea?

HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: North Korean Film Claims Americans Eat Snow, Live in Tents, Shoot Children CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT:6.5 = Significant, particularly if North Koreans derived this intelligence from Dennis Rodman (see photo above). RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: North Korea, a nation with an infrastructure held together by masticated wads of Kleenex, several rolls of used Saran wrap and three tattered old Air Jordan shoestrings, is … Read More Pop HazMat Alert: American Birds Migrating (For Their Very Lives) to North Korea?

Pop HazMat Alert: Don’t “Pet the Dolphin”!

HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: 3 Killer Commando Dolphins from Ukraine on the Loose CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 2 & 1/2. Negligible, particularly if killer dolphins are armed with mines and speeding toward infamous Carnival Cruise ship, Triumph, AKA “Fabled Floating City of Fecalopolis.” Potential for positive cultural contribution significant. RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Lovable sea-mammals, approachable in New Age “swim-with-the-dolphins” pseudo-spiritual encounters, can likewise be trained to … Read More Pop HazMat Alert: Don’t “Pet the Dolphin”!

Pop HazMat Alert: A Foreshock for Something Larger

HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: “So-Cal Quake Could be Foreshock for Something Larger” CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 1.5 (Negligible: 8 out of 10 scientists surveyed now believe cataclysms are “restorative experiences”.) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: The “Big One” is imminent, at least in the geological perspective of time, no matter how many minor jolts pester airheaded Californians on a daily basis. EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: Widespread death, destruction, and anarchy … Read More Pop HazMat Alert: A Foreshock for Something Larger

Let’s Just Add to the Stress-Heap, Shall We? GRAPHIC NOVEL IN-THE-WORKS

As if I wasn’t grumpy enough due to concerns about the upcoming book-trailer and audiobook adaptations of my Rowan Blaize series (recently launched by the lovely Brightbourne folk), to say nothing of the fourth installment arriving in October, but the decision has pretty much been made to begin work on a full-scale graphic novel adaptation of Book One. Okay: I’d like very much to … Read More Let’s Just Add to the Stress-Heap, Shall We? GRAPHIC NOVEL IN-THE-WORKS

Nobody’s Byzness but the Turks’ : Norwich Proves Human History Looks Ghastlier When Condensed

Oh, the humanity! Oh, the inhumanity! Oh, the beheadings, pillagings, assassinations, blindings, intrigues, tonsurings, tongue-splittings, nose-slicings, banishments, castrations, buggerings, fornications, tonsurings, infanticides, icon-smashings, and war, war, war, war, WAR. And you get all of that even before the First Crusade is launched. I didn’t have the time or the stomach for all three volumes of John Julius Norwich’s acclaimed history of Byzantium. I like … Read More Nobody’s Byzness but the Turks’ : Norwich Proves Human History Looks Ghastlier When Condensed

Dunkin’ Donuts So Freakin’ Stale that Customer Needs Axe to Chop Through Glaze

My dear grandfather (God rest his soul) loved nothing more than being surrounded by buxom-if-blowsy waitresses with names like “Lurlene” and “Brenda-Bob” in that creme-filled cholesterol-boosting wonderland known as Dunkin’ Donuts. During visits to my grandparents’ Florida retirement home, I opted to humor old Gramp, especially after his third heart attack, and tag along to attend his version of High Mass every Sunday afternoon, … Read More Dunkin’ Donuts So Freakin’ Stale that Customer Needs Axe to Chop Through Glaze

American Cunning … Up at the Sharp End

A waitress at an Appleby’s in Colorado walks up to take an order at a table of young women who’ve got their drinkin’-dresses on for an evening of FUN! The waitress, Brianna Priddy (a name you literally want to pet), asks these good-time gals for their IDs. They oblige. Brianna looks at the IDs and is a tad stunned to discover that one of … Read More American Cunning … Up at the Sharp End

The Lavender Farm that Rowan Blaize Built? Yes … THAT Would be Fine

I’m not an author/artist of terribly brazen ambitions, at least not in terms of the entire “Fame-game, ho-stroll, dumb-it-down & sell your soul” paradigm. No. No no no no NO. I would like my work, my efforts, to be recognized or just basically enjoyed, and I would like to make a reasonable living in the process. But fame is not one of my desires, … Read More The Lavender Farm that Rowan Blaize Built? Yes … THAT Would be Fine

I Should Have Been Working On Storyboards But Ridley Scott SAVED Me, Hallelujah!

This was the day I had earmarked to flesh-out (actually, to create … heh heh) the storyboards for the upcoming high-budget book trailers we are slated to do for the Rowan Blaize series. What a laugh. The only “earmark” I put on the day was perhaps the slightly greasy one my lobe left on the sofa cushion as I ate peanut butter-on-toast and talked … Read More I Should Have Been Working On Storyboards But Ridley Scott SAVED Me, Hallelujah!

Have a Little ABSINTHE to Stave-Off the Cultural Malaise …

Of course, I could be referring to the bewildering beverage of Yore in all its wormwood-infused notoriety. Absinthe (or updated, watered-down versions of the drink) has indeed been making a considerable comeback in Europe and North America over the past fifteen years. My first encounter with the enchanted tonic came in 2004 during a visit to Paris. A group of chatty expatriates were mingling … Read More Have a Little ABSINTHE to Stave-Off the Cultural Malaise …

Not the City-Boy I Once Was (Or Thought I Was)

Three days in San Francisco were slightly jolting, given that my life (for better or for worse) has become increasingly reclusive in the past few years. All was well because it ended well, but I am mad with joy to be back home in the coastal woodlands, communing with the freakin’ abject silence. I was partially worried about Li’l Girl (my feral-turned-huggable cat) because … Read More Not the City-Boy I Once Was (Or Thought I Was)