Pop Hazmat ‘The World of Rowan Blaize’ Character Profiles: CIRCE by Jonathan Kieran

A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born. Book One is the timeless magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated, all-ages epic poem and genuine “spell” to treasure (and share) for a lifetime. Rowan Blaize launches the series, while the following works bring our warlock’s world to luminous life within the framework of several (witch)crafty novels. Click here for all of the special $0.99 Kindle e-book downloads!

And watch for AUTHOR VIDEO very soon. Gee whiz.

~The World of Rowan Blaize: Character Profiles~ posted by JONATHAN KIERAN

The realm of ancient sorcerer Rowan Blaize is one in which otherwise hidden worlds collide with (or dwell alongside) our own mortal sphere. Rowan’s existence is played-out across landscapes and dreamscapes that encompass “worlds within worlds,” providing the observant traveler ample opportunity to encounter creatures of dazzling magical qualities. Some of these beings are friendly, others are belligerent, and still others have a hard time deciding among the various options. From one universe to the next, certain things never change. Enjoy meeting the main characters of Rowan’s adventurous story in the profiles below and remember: wherever the world and whomever the wayfarer … only enchantment is immortal.

Character Name: Circe

*IMDb Dream-Portrayal By: Sigourney Weaver

I LOVE Sigourney Weaver like I love the twin I never had, but yes ... only this icy goddess could *play* an icy goddess like Circe. Oh yeah . Dream on, dude. I know.

I LOVE Sigourney Weaver like I love the twin I never had, but yes … only this icy goddess could *play* an icy goddess like Circe. Oh yeah . Dream on, dude. I know.

Nature/Occupation: Goddess (with attitude) … and occasional zookeeper.

Age: Born not terribly long after the Dawn of Time. Yeah. That little “moment.”

Background: The daughter of a solar-deity and a water-spirit, Circe was one of the lesser (but still annoyingly mighty) deities who opted for more earthly accommodations than those offered atop Olympus through the ages. She came to occupy the legendary island of Aeaea and there spent centuries performing complex and often vindictive sorcery. Yep. Vindictive. There’s a reason why, but only I can reveal that in Book Four. Ahem. Shipwrecked sailors were the primary targets of Circe’s various experiments and machinations, back in her “salad days,” but other divinities feared her powers, too. Rowan Blaize’s mother and his aunt, Ariadne, were once handmaidens of this temperamental goddess on her lonely island. Despite Circe’s tendency to meddle relentlessly in the personal lives of various swashbuckling demigods, she endured into the modern age with her powers, her beauty — and her vengeful nature — well intact. She’s got it all, frankly.

Significant Traits: Like any divine embodied spirit, Circe has an arrogant attitude when it comes to beings of inferior mettle. Her unchecked arrogance, however, has often been her undoing in conflicts against her peers and also against wily mortal heroes. Seductive and bitter, she remains a perilous foe and a fairweather friend, even in the best of times.

Unique Powers/Abilities: There are few spells and magical achievements beyond Circe’s capability, but the power of transmogrification seems to be her forte. And how.

Classic Quote: “Imagine, Rowan, if you will, the vision that I see — the world’s most mighty sorcerers … and all controlled by me.”

Featured In: Book One (Rowan Blaize) and Book Four (As-yet Untitled)

*If I am ever fortunate enough to see Rowan’s adventures adapted for film or for the stage, this is the actor (or creature) I can most readily visualize playing the character in a given profile.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if Only for a Few Hours. Get acquainted with the comparatively sane world of Rowan Blaize …

One witty 2,800 year-old warlock. A suspicious storm that hurls him to earth near London. A goddess who wants to destroy the world. The catch? She needs Rowan’s face. REMOVED.

A deliciously twisted magical adventure is born with Rowan Blaize and the Enchanted Heritage Chronicles. Use any of the Rowan Blaize book icons on the upper-right (or use the links below) to learn more or purchase with an enchanted click.
Amazon Kindle Version (Only $0.99 Each!)
Book One
Book Two
Book Three
Amazon Author Page (Kindle and Paperback versions)
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Character Profiles from the ‘World of Rowan Blaize’ by Jonathan Kieran: Serenity Turnbull

A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born. Book One is the timeless magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated, all-ages epic poem and genuine “spell” to treasure (and share) for a lifetime. Rowan Blaize launches the series, while the following works bring our warlock’s world to luminous life within the framework of several (witch)crafty novels. Click here for all of the special $0.99 Kindle e-book downloads!

~The World of Rowan Blaize: Character Profiles~ by JONATHAN KIERAN

The realm of ancient sorcerer Rowan Blaize is one in which otherwise hidden worlds collide with (or dwell alongside) our own mortal sphere. Rowan’s existence is played-out across landscapes and dreamscapes that encompass “worlds within worlds,” providing the observant traveler ample opportunity to encounter creatures of dazzling magical qualities. Some of these beings are friendly, others are belligerent, and still others have a hard time deciding among the various options. From one universe to the next, certain things never change. Enjoy meeting the main characters of Rowan’s adventurous story in the profiles below and remember: wherever the world and whomever the wayfarer … only enchantment is immortal.

Character Name: Serenity Turnbull

*IMDb Dream-Portrayal By: Michelle Williams

A slightly "less-glam" Michelle Williams has the charm and sparkle to play the gentle-yet-passionate St. Augustine witch, Ms. Serenity Turnbull.

A slightly “less-glam” Michelle Williams has the charm and sparkle to play the gentle-yet-passionate St. Augustine witch, Ms. Serenity Turnbull.

Nature/Occupation: Witch, environmental activist, self-help author, jewelry designer and university lecturer.

Age: Hundreds—perhaps even thousands—of years.

Background: Serenity Turnbull (her given name is “Eudoxia”) is a witch with a considerable and variegated past. Coming from a magical family rumored to be descended from the goddess Cerridwen, Serenity (like all witches that survive the ages) is anything if not adaptable. She existed in Europe in medieval times, survived plagues, two mortal husbands, the demise of half-mortal children, the stock market crash of 1929, and lived in California in the 1960s, where she became involved with various environmental causes. She can also drink a horde of pirates under the table, if absolutely necessary. Serenity has lived and worked in St. Augustine for only a short time compared to Leticia Beauregard and Gert Gokey (who claim not to like her, though they really do) but more than any other local enchantress, she is a steadfast friend and helpmate to the many lesser magical beings inhabiting the Ancient City.

Significant Traits: Serenity is a gentle and winsomely flaky sorceress, flitting from one interest to another, but is passionate about every idea she espouses. More powerful than she is given credit for, Serenity favors bright sundresses and turquoise jewelry. She employs a somewhat morose Shih Tzu familiar named “Emory” along with an anaconda familiar named “Guadalupe”. Serenity has an on-again, off-again long-distance relationship with a nebbish warlock named Percival, who is an archaeologist.

Unique Powers/Abilities: Serenity is a whiz when it comes to sustainable household cleaning spells and practical incantations. She can also throw a pretty mean fireball and summon astonishing tides in order to rescue stranded sea mammals.

Classic Quote: “That’s likely because no one can get a word in edgewise with a blabbermouth spirit like you!”

Featured In: Book Two (Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy) and Book Four (As-Yet-Untitled)

*If I am ever fortunate enough to see Rowan’s adventures adapted for film or for the stage, this is the actor (or creature) I can most readily visualize playing the character in a given profile.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if Only for a Few Hours. Get acquainted with the comparatively sane world of Rowan Blaize …

One witty 2,800 year-old warlock. A suspicious storm that hurls him to earth near London. A goddess who wants to destroy the world. The catch? She needs Rowan’s face. REMOVED.

A deliciously twisted magical adventure is born with Rowan Blaize and the Enchanted Heritage Chronicles. Use any of the Rowan Blaize book icons on the upper-right (or use the links below) to learn more or purchase with an enchanted click.
Amazon Kindle Version (Only $0.99 Each!)
Book One
Book Two
Book Three
Amazon Author Page (Kindle and Paperback versions)
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Pop HazMat HOF: Lovably Bad Candy from Childhood … Licorice Laces! posted by JONATHAN KIERAN

A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the adventures of Rowan Blaize. Book One is the timeless magical cornerstone … the subsequent books lift our warlock’s world into the framework of several spellbinding novels. Click here for all of the special $0.99 Kindle e-book downloads!

HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD FOOD FROM CHILDHOOD) by JONATHAN KIERAN

TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: SHOESTRING LICORICE! or “LICORICE LACES”

Buy Your Kids a Bag of This Goodness and Be Ready for a Night of Regret

Buy Your Kids a Bag of This Goodness and Be Ready for a Night of Regret

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: I have no idea what possessed parents (or grandparents) to purchase this kind of Tangled-Up Edible Wickedness for children. It was probably due to the relentless begging, pleading, screaming and high-octane tantrum throwing — all respectable, finely honed skills at which any child worth his or her sweet tooth excelled on a par with the most prize-winning and peer-reviewed astrophysicist. Woe to the adult who was foolhardy enough to trundle their child into a Stuckey’s or an Ames or some other derelict establishment where this kind of product was displayed like so many gloriously gleaming bags of freshly scalped Muppet hair. If you were a child with any sense of gastronomic discrimination whatsoever, you pulled out all of your best, most time-tested Brat Routines and hurled them at your parents like a whistling barrage of razor-sharp Shuriken Throwing Stars.

A Kid Had to Bring Out His Best Weapons When it Came to Scoring a Bag of Licorice Laces from Uncertain Parental Units ...

A Kid Had to Bring Out His Best Weapons When it Came to Scoring a Bag of Licorice Laces from Uncertain Parental Units …

You soon scored that bag of Colorfully Candied Colonic Tapeworms and, if you were particularly adept in the Ancient Art of Wheedling, you got more than one bag — sometimes you nabbed enough of the stuff to cover the Entire Corn Syrup Flavor-Spectrum! Sure, Mommy and Daddy may have ground their teeth and thought fleetingly of using some of that newly purchased Purple Grape String to strangle you down in the cellar at midnight and make it look like an accident, but once you had your candy, you gave your parents back a shred of their sanity … at least until you puked globs of green Sour Apple bile onto the bed-sheets or spent the night on the toilet expelling buckets of blood-colored Wacky Watermelon. And friends, that is what inevitably occurred because shoestring licorice was like kiddie crack. You couldn’t eat just one or two strings the length of your arm and be content. No way. You had to finish an entire bag of 225 yards or else playground bragging-rights would be lost forever, and that was a far more frightening prospect than an entire night of Tectonic Intestinal Death-Cramps. What a great candy!

DEFINITIVE QUALITY: Provided hours of flavorful, stringy, non-stop nibbling child-gluttony!

BRUSH WITH GREATNESS: Legendary enough to inspire Broadway-caliber spectaculars. THESE are the TRUE Heroes of Tomorrow.

LAMENTABLE LEGACY: The night my poor naive grandparents had to clean-up after a simultaneous Projectile Vomit & Pajama Bottom-Filling “shoestring licorice accident” at a desolate Howard Johnson’s somewhere in the bleak wasteland of Pennsylvania. At midnight. Yessir, yessir, Three. Bags. FULL.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?: Still being made by some daring confectioners who are apparently undaunted by the more litigious breed of strung-out parents inhabiting this New Millennium.

SPRUCE IT UP WITH A COCKTAIL!: Coil a few green strings into your next refreshing Appletini!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if Only for a Few Hours. Get acquainted with the comparatively sane world of Rowan Blaize …

One witty 2,800 year-old warlock. A suspicious storm that hurls him to earth near London. A goddess who wants to destroy the world. The catch? She needs Rowan’s face. REMOVED.

A deliciously twisted magical adventure is born with Rowan Blaize and the Enchanted Heritage Chronicles. Use any of the Rowan Blaize book icons on the upper-right (or use the links below) to learn more or purchase with an enchanted click.
Amazon Kindle Version (Only $0.99 Each!)
Book One
Book Two
Book Three
Amazon Author Page (Kindle and Paperback versions)
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

The World of Rowan Blaize (Character Profiles) by Jonathan Kieran: Gertrude “Gert” Gokey

~The World of Rowan Blaize: Character Profiles~

A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born. Book One is the magical cornerstone … the subsequent Rowan Blaize novels build the enchanted world. Click here for the special $0.99 Kindle e-book downloads!

The realm of ancient sorcerer Rowan Blaize is one in which otherwise hidden worlds collide with (or dwell alongside) our own mortal sphere. Rowan’s existence is played-out across landscapes and dreamscapes that encompass “worlds within worlds,” providing the observant traveler ample opportunity to encounter creatures of dazzling magical qualities. Some of these beings are friendly, others are belligerent, and still others have a hard time deciding among the various options. From one universe to the next, certain things never change. Enjoy meeting the main characters of Rowan’s adventurous story in the profiles below and remember: wherever the world and whomever the wayfarer … only enchantment is immortal.

Character Name: Gertrude “Gert” Gokey

*IMDb Dream-Portrayal By: Queen Latifah

In my mind, only the inimitable Queen Latifah could bring the sort of class, sass, and brass required to play my favorite witch and pepper-shop owner, Gert Gokey.

In my mind, only the inimitable Queen Latifah could bring the sort of class, sass, and brass required to play my favorite witch and pepper-shop owner, Gert Gokey.

Nature/Occupation: Witch and co-owner of the Datil Be The Day Gourmet Pepper Emporium

Age: Hundreds of years, at the very least … and Gert is not the least bit hesitant to admit as much. She’s quite convinced she’s “earned” it.

Background: Gert, like her constant companion, Letty, hails from some sort of shadowy European background, but her origins appear to have been a bit humbler that were Letty’s. In fact, Gert alludes often to her girlhood in some mountainous woodland region, where she learned her spellcraft from various eccentric family members associated with the great (and smelly) witch, Baba Yaga. Gert’s somewhat exotic nature and iridescent ebony skin, however, hint at supernatural origins even more mysterious than her limited biographical details thus far imply. Look for some astonishing answers to your deeper “Gert Gokey Questions” in the Book Four novel arriving this Fall.

Significant Traits: Gert loves hearing a good story, telling a good story, hearing about a good drink, drinking a good drink, and she is unabashedly addicted to reality TV. She has a soft-spot in her heart for child “beauty pageant” contestants and, if she were not so dedicated to operating her gourmet pepper shop, believes she would be a superb nightclub proprietress and talent agent.

Unique Powers/Abilities: Gert is a dab-hand at divination spells, often using the most mundane objects imaginable for such tricky enchantments (e.g. her “scrying pan”). She is also quite skillful when it comes to mastering fire in virtually any circumstance … especially the most dangerous circumstances.

Classic Quote: “Just spit in the wok like I told you, Letty.”

Featured In: Book Two (the novel Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy) and Book Four (As-yet-Untitled)

*If I am ever fortunate enough to see Rowan’s adventures adapted for film or for the stage, this is the actor (or creature) I can most readily visualize playing the character in a given profile.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

One witty 2,800 year-old warlock. A suspicious storm that hurls him to earth near London. A goddess who wants to destroy the world. The catch? She needs Rowan’s face. REMOVED.

A deliciously twisted magical adventure is born with Rowan Blaize and the Enchanted Heritage Chronicles. Use any of the Rowan Blaize book icons on the upper-right (or use the links below) to learn more or purchase with an enchanted click.

Amazon Kindle Version (Only $0.99 Each!)
Book One
Book Two
Book Three
Amazon Author Page (Kindle and Paperback versions)
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Pop HazMat Headline du Jour: Snakes On a Plane! Virgin America Flights Now Encourage Mile-High Flirting

Upgrade your Sexcapade with a Flight on Virgin America!

Upgrade your Sexcapade with a Flight on Virgin America!

HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Virgin America Flights Now Encourage Mile-High Flirting posted by JONATHAN KIERAN

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 6.5 (Pretty Par for the Current Course)

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Virgin America’s is implementing a new in-flight “Text and Try to Get a Perfect Stranger Drunk for Purposes of a Quickie!” system on its Los Angeles-to-Las Vegas route. You know, because people really aren’t quite perverted, rude and sleazy enough in today’s world. Also, people on airplanes don’t have a tough enough time as it is worrying about weirdo passengers potentially getting out of line and causing discomfort at 33,000 feet. And who wants to wait all of the interminably long time it takes to actually fly from LA to Vegas before going on safari for that filthy-dirty extramarital affair? No way! Get a head-start on fornication in the friendly skies, people!

EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: Surely Greyhound will now wish to “upgrade the sexcapade” for the benefit of America’s more economically minded travelers by launching a similar campaign. Of course, theirs won’t involve a classy Virgin America-type system of “sexting and sending a drink.” No, given society’s present trajectory I expect something more along the lines of: “Club a Hottie Over the Head and Drag ‘Em Back to the Toilet!”

Oh, wait I forgot … some people already consider that to be standard boarding procedure on Greyhound buses. No innovative marketing strategy required.

DETOX RECIPE: Frozen Hot Chocolate Ice Cubes ought to pair nicely with any new one-night (or one-hour) stand you meet in the Emergency Exit aisle!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if Only for a Few Hours. Get acquainted with the comparatively sane world of Rowan Blaize …

One witty 2,800 year-old warlock. A suspicious storm that hurls him to earth near London. A goddess who wants to destroy the world. The catch? She needs Rowan’s face. REMOVED.

A deliciously twisted magical adventure is born with Rowan Blaize and the Enchanted Heritage Chronicles. Use any of the Rowan Blaize book icons on the upper-right (or use the links below) to learn more or purchase with an enchanted click.

Amazon Kindle Version (Only $0.99 Each!)
Book One
Book Two
Book Three
Amazon Author Page (Kindle and Paperback versions)
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

The World of Rowan Blaize: Character Profiles by Jonathan Kieran (“Letty Beauregard”)

~The World of Rowan Blaize: Character Profiles~ posted by JONATHAN KIERAN

The realm of ancient sorcerer Rowan Blaize is one in which otherwise hidden worlds collide with (or dwell alongside) our own mortal sphere. Rowan’s existence is played-out across landscapes and dreamscapes that encompass “worlds within worlds,” providing the observant traveler ample opportunity to encounter creatures of dazzling magical qualities. Some of these beings are friendly, others are belligerent, and still others have a hard time deciding among the various options. From one universe to the next, certain things never change. Enjoy meeting the main characters of Rowan’s adventurous story in the profiles below and remember: wherever the world and whomever the wayfarer … only enchantment is immortal.

Character Name: Leticia “Letty” Beauregard

*IMDb Dream-Portrayal By: Olympia Dukakis

Only cinematic royalty could play the character of Letty Beauregard ... if I had to pick, Olympia Dukakis would get the spellbinding role.

Only cinematic royalty could play the character of Letty Beauregard … if I had to pick, Olympia Dukakis would get the spellbinding role.


Nature/Occupation: Witch and co-owner of Datil Be The Day Gourmet Pepper Emporium

Age: Unknown. Letty herself mentions that she lived in Boston during the infamous Salem “witch trials” and admits to a considerable history in “the Old Country” before that, so she is hundreds of years old at the very least.

Background: Letty Beauregard is a witch originally from European climes and apparently hails from an elite, perhaps urban, clan of magicians … if Gert Gokey’s insinuations can be believed, and we’ll always believe Gert. Letty and Gert were inseparable companions in Europe and, later, in Boston in the 16th Century. Exactly how their friendship was first established is unknown, thus far. It is implied, however, that Letty and Gert have lived in the settlement of St. Augustine, Florida, for well over a century, working magic and crafting delectable pepper treats amid the ebb and flow of mortal civilization.

Significant Traits: In appearance, Letty is a prim and proper elderly woman with Southern affectations and the lace-collared air “of a no-nonsense Baptist preacher’s wife.” In reality, she is a practical creature who is somewhat skeptical of mortal modernism and very swift to give her (usually) unsolicited opinion about anything and everything. She bickers incessantly with her best friend, Gert, but the dazzling duo often combine their knowledge and power to considerable magical effect.

Unique Powers/Abilities: Letty is gifted with frequently ominous Foresight (or “Forebodings”) and she is especially talented when it comes to summoning storms and other atmospheric disturbances — often for the purpose of making a “grand entrance.”

Classic Quote: “Why, by the Treacherous Tradewinds of Tartarus, did you go and fish that ridiculous thing out at a time like this?”

Featured In: Book Two (Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy) and Book Four (As Yet Untitled!)

*If I am ever fortunate enough to see Rowan’s adventures adapted for film or for the stage, this is the actor (or creature) I can most readily visualize playing the character in a given profile.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if Only for a Few Hours. Get acquainted with the comparatively sane world of Rowan Blaize …

One witty 2,800 year-old warlock. A suspicious storm that hurls him to earth near London. A goddess who wants to destroy the world. The catch? She needs Rowan’s face. REMOVED.

A deliciously twisted magical adventure is born with Rowan Blaize and the Enchanted Heritage Chronicles. Use any of the Rowan Blaize book icons on the upper-right (or use the links below) to learn more or purchase with an enchanted click.

Amazon Kindle Version (Only $0.99 Each!)
Book One
Book Two
Book Three
Amazon Author Page (Kindle and Paperback versions)
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

If This Doesn’t Wither Your Spoon, I Don’t Know *What* Will: Me, Barbra Streisand, Expensive Resorts and DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? by Jonathan Kieran

Oh, little Miss Girly-Girl went and she DID it.

"You gonna be on the national news, honey."

“You gonna be on the national news, honey.”

Look. We all have messy moments in our lives. It’s not a linear Pathway to Perfection, this whole “being human” thing. We get drunk. We make mistakes.

Heck, we make plenty of mistakes without the excuse of being drunk. Think about your last five or six Big Mistakes. Were you sober?

I didn’t think so.

Anyhow, Reese Witherspoon, an actress for whom I had maybe ten minutes of affinity a decade ago, unzipped the Immortally Moonwashed Dazzle-Face of Politically Superior Hollywood and revealed the underlying Narcissistic Maggot-Skull of Filthy Dirty Entitlement … in all of its splendor!

I feel for the woman. I do. It must be difficult to be a multi-millionairess competing for Fame and Trashed-Out Headlines with accomplished, award-winning thespian-types like Kim Kardashian. Witherspoon, however, appears to be cracking under the pressure.

There is only one occasion wherein a human being ought to whip out the “Don’t You Know Who I AM?” strategy, and that occasion is when you are about to be executed by a point-blank shot to the back of the head … and you freakin’ don’t have anything else to try.

That’s maybe when you trot-out a line like that.

You could also say something like: “If you spare me I’ll give birth to a unicorn right now. I’ll give birth to a unicorn with your name embossed in emerald-essence on its haunches! I swear I will.”

Yeah. When the Magical Unicorn Birth-Promise fails to impress your killer, that’s when you toss out the “Don’t you who I AM?” trick.

It’s not going to work, but, you know, you’re about to be murdered, so you’ll give it a go.

Witherspoon was not on her knees about to be executed by some serial killer, but she was drunk off her a$$ and being driven by a Significant Other who was allegedly drunk off his ass, and in the midst of it all, Ms. Illegally Blonde (oh, couldn’t resist) didn’t stop to ponder whether or not her drunk-a$$ self ought to have gotten into a vehicle with her drunk-a$$ hubby and whether their drunk-a$$es might’ve possibly swerved and killed somebody else’s mother, or father, or brother, or sister, or child. No.

“Don’t you know who I AM?”

But wait a sec, friends … Reese was “filming in the area.” Hold on. That changes everything!

When you are a STAR and you are FILMING IN THE AREA, all police officers within a 75-mile radius are alerted to your Exquisite Presence and they have been given specific instructions NOT to interfere with your drunk-a$$ driving. Wow. I mean, that’s just standard procedure when you’re FILMING IN THE AREA. These Witherspooning cops need to be demoted and forced to walk a beat in the crackiest part of Crack Town because they haven’t been checking their memos!

“Don’t you know who I am?”

“I’m filming in the area.”

Now, I know what many of you are possibly thinking.

“Oh, Jonathan Kieran! You can’t be merciless to people who say such things when they’re under the influence! This sort of thing is an aberration! People from Hollywood don’t really act like that! They’re very humble and they are always looking for ways to give their riches away to the little people!”

No, honey, they aren’t.

In fact, I’m going to tell you a story that dovetails with this whole DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? meme. And it is the truthiest truth I could ever truth-out, without giving birth to an actual unicorn.

Many years ago I worked as the “Assistant Director” at a rather posh Northern California resort that shall remain nameless. I loved the job. I loved my boss (the “Director”) and I loved the “team” and all of that crap. Yeah, I did. I was in the service industry and it was as upscale as it gets. Our establishment was frequented by “celebrities,” and when I use the term “celebrities” I am referring to people who actually earned and maybe deserved a toasty old crust of their fame. This very minute, I could tell you a couple of things about Barbra Streisand that would … well, only reaffirm what you already suspect about Barbra Streisand.

But that’s another blog.

What many people outside California do not realize is that the most powerful players in the whole LA game are not the “face” people, not these “stars.” No. The biggest hitters are producers or a myriad of other executive investors/bankrollers who operate behind the proverbial scenes. Well, they operate behind the “scenes” in point of fact. But those people take vacations, too.

One evening, a slightly neurotic, slightly grumpy uncomfortable-looking man in his mid-thirties approached me and my boss because he could not get his headset to jive with the TV feed as he was working-out on the treadmill. We’ll call him “JOHNNY”. Well, anybody who came to our establishment was automatically paying over a thousand bucks a night just to sleep there, not counting the extras, and we were in the business of SERVING PEOPLE, so we did front-flips, black-flips, side-flips, and did everything except pull a flock of ducks straight out of our a$$es to try and get this gentleman’s headset to work. It didn’t work. Maintenance was called. Engineers were consulted. We didn’t know what was amiss, but we tried. The gentleman was not exactly rude … he was just persistent. Fixated, if you will. He was annoyed that this little portion of his workout experience was not going exactly the way he wished, and he couldn’t recalibrate. No Plan B. “My headset won’t work. I guess I’ll just walk on the treadmill and force myself to listen to the big-screen DIRECTLY.”

By the way, there was no one else in our “Fitness Center” at the time … he had the treadmill, big screen TV, water cooler, and big blue rubber workout ball entirely to himself.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, but hear me out: The guy had every right to obsess about his headset — at over $1000 a night, you want stuff to work at your fancy-a$$ resort. I respect that. The point is, we did everything except call an ambulance and summon the Jaws of Life to get this gentleman’s itty-bitty headset to work, and it just didn’t. It didn’t. He came in to our office again, not rudely, and harped on it for the sixth time. It was the very end of the day, my boss, at the time, was being wooed away from his fab job by an even more exclusive company (if that’s even possible), and we were mapping-out the following day’s schedule. My boss just flatly told “Johnny”:

“Look, sir. We’ve tried everything. We apologize for the inconvenience, but it’s 7PM and we’re out of options when it comes to your headset. Nothing we can do. Sorry.”

Johnny sort of wiggled a finger in his ear and looked at the floor and said, “Well, thanks. Okay.” And he left. Then my boss left, saying, “Hey man, wrap things up tonight for me, okay?”

Okay.

Five minutes after my boss left, in walks this blonde. Leggy, attractive, sharp … but not at all “star” attractive, by any stretch. She was on the warpath. And I am going to share with you the WORD-FOR-WORD that “went down”. I ain’t makin’ it up. I ain’t embellishing or exaggerating. WORD-FOR-WORD, because I’ll never forget it.

ME (sitting at my desk): “Good evening!”

SHE: “I want to know who was rude to Johnny. Was it you?”

ME: “Miss … um … excuse me?”

SHE: “Johnny told me that somebody in this office was rude to him and I want to know who it is. Now. I want to know who told him that they wouldn’t fix his headset.”

ME: “Er … well, Miss … Johnny spoke with ______, our director, and I can assure you we tried everything we could, but it’s late in the evening and we won’t have the resources until tomorrow. I’m sorry if Johhny felt [my boss] was treating him rudely. We would never intend such a thing.”

SHE: “Listen to me, buddy. Do you know who we are? We are Hollywood people. We are BIG Hollywood people. One bad word from us can make or break this entire place. Do you know that?”

ME: “Uh … puh-puh-puh-puh- buh …”

SHE: “Do you know how it works in LA? I’m sure you don’t. We tell people where to go and where not to go. Do you understand this?”

ME: “Miss, if there has been a misunderstanding I apologize profusely.”

SHE: “You damned well better.”

ME: “Absolutely. Please understand that [my boss] is a professional who always has the interests of our guests in mind. Let me solve this for you as best I can right now, this very moment. I am going to earmark complimentary [such and such] for the rest of this week. If you would be so kind as to wait with [Johnny] in your room, I will have some solution within ten minutes. Personally.”

SHE: “You’d better. We’ll be waiting.”

SLAM! went the door as she stormed out.

I called reservations and got their names, which we had not known previously. “Johnny’s” name didn’t ring the slightest bell with me.

Then I googled him.

HOLY. S.H.&.T.

Huge. H.U.G.E. ~HUGE~

But I wouldn’t have been able to pick him out of a line-up, as they say.

I’ll say another thing — his little dollbaby coming down with the whole “Do you know who we are? We are Hollywood people. BIG Hollywood people.”

(and she said it just like that, in my face, shaking a finger. “Hollywood people” followed by the clarifying “BIG Hollywood people.”)

I hope this never happens to any of you, firstly, because I can tell you in all honesty that, no matter how self-assured you may be, as a person, when someone comes at you with mouth-stink like that, you feel like a complete ZERO.

It was so humiliating. I … I … still look back on that experience and am amazed — mainly because I felt like a subhuman for a minute or two, and that’s exactly how she wanted me to feel.

I think it was fortunate for me, at the time, to see how legitimately powerful these people were, on paper (or on Google) and then launch damage control.

Yeah, Johnny was big enough to have gotten my boss, a seasoned professional and a fine man, fired with a word.

I didn’t like it one bit, but I had to make some stuff happen. We had an on-site florist and she was about to leave for the day, and I begged (no, I TOLD HER) to whip-up the best arrangement she could configure, FAST, and I threw-together a virtual grocery cart full of freebies and brought all of this goodness up to their room … within the ten minutes.

I did everything but bow. I was a pro. I handled it as gracefully as I knew how, even though this woman had just utterly sought to humiliate me. I smoothed it over, but I’ll tell you yet another thing: I obviously have never forgotten that experience.

They were at our establishment for a week and it was “kid gloves” handling all the way. They loved the obsequiousness and I frankly felt it had to be done. My company (at the time) could well have been on the line.

My boss nearly pooped a kitten the next day when he came in and learned who they were, and remembered that, yes, he had been a little terse with “Johnny”. I guess that was the most crucial thing: after being stomped-on by someone else’s self-imagined superiority and feeling like a sub-human, it was good that I had to sort of troubleshoot the matter and be motivated to help my boss dodge a bullet that would have been totally undeserved, but which would have probably hit him smack between the eyes.

It was not a good week. For me. How was it for Johnny and his Hollywood BIG Hollywood gal? Why, they loved their stay because I made sure everyone knew to kiss their a$$es with extra lip-action, for the sake of making a living. That’s what you think about.

Making a living. In my case, it was not only my job, but the jobs and livelihoods of the people who worked for me/with me.

You need to frankly make a living in this world and, sad to say, but some people who feel themselves so superior, can indeed make or break you. And they can walk all over you. It might be grand and noble to say, “I will not stand for this kind of treatment! I quit!”

Honey, that only happens in the movies … and the movies are being made by the people who are saying: “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”

Anyhow, I have only shared this experience with the people who were obviously there at the time and I have never written about it, until now. I won’t name the guy and his Lady. You would immediately recognize the name, but not likely put a face to that name … just as we didn’t.

I’m not famous and do not want fame. I’m just another author trying to find a home for my stories, trying to find a place for the characters I create. I can sleep at night with that plan.

The “sobering” thing is that these little instances wherein the mask of “fame” comes off of someone, you truly do see how selfish and deluded we can be, as a species, based upon how we perceive ourselves. It’s all so freakin’ fleeting, as it is.

I suppose I wouldn’t have expected Reese Witherspoon, specifically, to haul off and take a dump over her entire reputation the way she did. I guess I might have expected some, um … skeevier type to pull a stunt like that. But then I would be thinking outside my own experience! Hello?

Hollywood people. BIG Hollywood people.

Witherspoon may have a hard time living it down, if anyone has an attention span that renders her boozy life-burp relevant for more than five minutes, but the point of my post ought to be obvious.

It’s galling when one of these cultural deities says something so damnable and they’re drunk.

I am here to tell you that people will walk right up to your face and say ‘DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” and they will be stone cold sober.

It’s beyond humiliating, but I think I may have to give Johnny a call and see if he can help me out, now that I’m book-writin’ and stuff.

Yeah, right.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

One witty 2,800 year-old warlock. A suspicious storm that hurls him to earth near London. A goddess who wants to destroy the world. The catch? She needs Rowan’s face. REMOVED.

A deliciously twisted magical adventure is born with Rowan Blaize and the Enchanted Heritage Chronicles. Use any of the Rowan Blaize book icons on the upper-right (or use the links below) to learn more or purchase with an enchanted click.

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