Pop HazMat: Someone’s in the kitchen with Dyna-Girl. #popculture #nostalgia

HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF FAME presents CHILDREN’S TV ON-THE-CHEAP! by JONATHAN KIERAN

TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: Electra Woman and Dyna-Girl (1976. 16 Episodes. ABC)

GUILTY OF VEHICULAR FANSLAUGHTER: Sid and Marty Krofft (as usual), Deidre Hall, Judy Strangis, ABC

Someone's in the kitchen with DYNA-Girl ...

Someone’s in the kitchen with DYNA-Girl …

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: From the clusterflucked minds of Sid and Marty Krofft emerged Electra Woman and Dyna Girl in 1976 — yet another Saturday morning Abomination of the Imagination intended to attract the interest of easily amused children vibrating in front of the boob tube due to Frankenberry sugar-highs and Apple Jacks apoplexy. Running for a paltry 16 episodes at a brisk 15 minutes a pop, Electra Woman and Dyna Girl was different from almost anything in the Krofft oeuvre. There were no villages populated by manic, anthropomorphized hats or play-dough dinosaur props or Weenie Genies or brain-damaged dragon-dandies with Gomer Pyle affectations. This show featured crime-fighting babes in panty hose and marching-band capes! Whether or not the scantily (and stupidly) clad Electra Woman and Dyna Girl were also intended to snag the attention of any hung-over adult males who might be scrounging around the kitchen cupboards at dawn for an Alka-Seltzer is up for debate. I mean, even having a nubile kids-show character with the name “Dyna Girl” presented viewers with a series of vaguely dirty, back alley Las Vegas strip-club undertones. I seem to recall my father pausing once or twice, half-asleep and teetering in the living room, squinting at the screen, as the show’s heroines underwent one of their “Electra Changes” from mild-mannered magazine journalists into Super Bimbos. He was probably just wondering what in the hell kind of televised tomfoolery his kids were watching this time.

We often wondered the same thing, because Electra Woman and Dyna Girl stunk with a particularly rancid stench, even amid a TV-landscape already quite littered with smelly entertainment offerings for gullible tots. The show was a tepid and blatant rip-off of the Batman & Robin theme, and if Electra Woman and Dyna Girl didn’t represent the creative burnout of Hollywood Choom-Gang writers at their tackiest and most stultifying, I don’t what did in those days. You had a big, pushy chick (Electra Woman) and her perky little wide-eyed & pig-tailed sidekick (Dyna Girl) who had an obvious crush on her taller, more bosomy cohort. Imagine the minds that green-lighted this project in some malodorous boardroom beneath a wonky ceiling fan. How did they sleep at night? How did they go home and live lives with their families, doing presumably normal things that families do? Whiskey straight-up, surely.

The show’s set seemed to mimic the size and dismal atmosphere of one of those walk-thru “Scare Houses” you used to find at third-rate carnivals in the most backwater potato-growing counties imaginable. You know — the kind of cramped Scare House that was really just a trailer spattered with dripping red paint and staffed by carnies in rubber monster-masks, hiding in little closets at various junctures as you felt your way along in the greasy dark … only the carnies were too drunk to even bother leaping-out to send a dollar’s worth of “chills” down your spine. You were more frightened by the reek of Boone’s Farm halitosis in such close quarters than you were by the disheveled carnies lurking (or slumped) in the shadows. I expect that there was likewise a fair amount of hard liquor halitosis on the set of Electra Woman and Dyna Girl, and I expect a significant amount of that halitosis was emanating directly from the pouting pie-hole of lovely actress Deidre Hall, who played Electra Woman with the kind of look on her face that said: “I knew I should’ve accepted that Tijuana ‘donkey cabaret’ offer. I can’t go back to Florida now, not after this! What am I doing here? Are there any razor blades lying around? A noose? Who’s got a noose? Can I fashion a noose out of this sateen crime-fighting joke-of-a-cape? God, I want to strangle that wretched little Dyna Girl, at the very least.”

Yeah. Poor Deidre Hall. It was bad. The show even had a hysterical theme song that was as jammed with creepy overkill and ambition as the actual show itself was lacking in both of those attributes. A frenzied, high-energy half-rock half-disco piece of wanton sonic butchery, the tune was screeched by a woman who sounded as if she were clawing her own eyes out, bouncing off the walls of a seedy Burbank recording booth while in the grip of some acid-fueled hallucination.

“Electra Woman and Dyna Girl!” she shrieked. “Fightin’ all evil deeds! Each writes for a magazine. Who could know the life she leads?”

That was about the extent of the lyrical prowess. As for the rest, well, there wasn’t an awful lot the makers of Electra Woman and Dyna Girl could do in 12 minutes, but they sure could come-up with a helluva lot of Awful. There was much button-pushing of plastic Electra-gadgets to combat villains named “Ali Baba” and “The Pharaoh” and “The Spider Lady” and “The Sorcerer” (there’s always a sorcerer, isn’t there.) The special effects on Electra Woman and Dyna Girl made Ed Wood movies look like CGI extravaganzas. Blessedly, this incomprehensible mess was cancelled by ABC before the start of the second season. Deidre Hall must’ve gone on a four-week toot after getting that particular pink-slip, if only to find an outlet for her overwhelming euphoria.

In case you’re wondering how I remember so much about this travesty of kid’s programming, let me inform you that Electra Woman and Dyna Girl was the kind of thing you had to sit-through. You had to let your sister (or perhaps your gay brother) watch this insult or else incur screams of protest that would result in Mom and/or Dad staggering out of bed on Saturday Morning and revoking all of your weekend TV-watching and backyard misadventure privileges, usually with a ratty old slipper slapped a few times upside your head to drive the point home. So you bit your lip and watched these desperate actresses embarrass the hell out of themselves until it was time for ThunderCats.

DEFINITIVE DIALOGUE: “Put yourself on full brightness, Dyna Girl. That way we can saturate both walls at the same time.”

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?: Deidre Hall must surely have repressed the memory of her brief stint as Electra Woman deep, deep down, all the way to the level of her quivering and impregnable id, for she went-on to enjoy a successful 32-year run as “Marlena,” a much-beloved regular on some drippy daytime soap called Days of Our Nights or The Edge of Our Lives or some such. She couldn’t escape the excruciating legacy of a masochistic career-catastrophe forever, though. Sadist Rosie O’Donnell managed to bring up the Electra Woman nightmare when Hall guested on her talk-show back in the 1990s. Squirm Central! You KNOW she wanted to stuff Rosie’s head right up into her very own Dyna-Girl for pulling a stunt like that! Cute little Judy Strangis, who played Dyna Girl, wisely squirreled herself away into the Dyna-free realm of voiceovers and the occasional TV commercial after the program’s abrupt cancellation. The whole mess remains, of course, a cult favorite.

EXPERIENCE THE MAGIC: Behold the show’s immortal intro. Dyna-Disaster deluxe.
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Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

A man of few words and much wretched thought? Crowe could play that in his sleep #dreamrole

~The World of Rowan Blaize: Character Profiles~ by JONATHAN KIERAN

The realm of ancient sorcerer Rowan Blaize is one in which otherwise hidden worlds collide with (or dwell alongside) our own mortal sphere. Rowan’s existence is played-out across landscapes and dreamscapes that encompass “worlds within worlds,” providing the observant traveler ample opportunity to encounter creatures of dazzling magical qualities. Some of these beings are friendly, others are belligerent, and still others have a hard time deciding among the various options. From one universe to the next, certain things never change. Enjoy meeting the main characters of Rowan’s adventurous story in the profiles below and remember: wherever the world and whomever the wayfarer … only enchantment is immortal.

Character Name: General Kerrion

*IMDb Dream-Portrayal By: Russell Crowe

Russell Crowe could play the gnarly and wicked General Kerrion without the need for any Method whatsoever. Volatility. It's a gift.

Russell Crowe could play the gnarly and wicked General Kerrion without the need for any Method whatsoever. Volatility. It’s a gift.

Nature/Occupation: Human warlord and leader of Queen Oblixta’s Dark Army

Age: 35-40

Background: General Kerrion, who stands at the right hand of sorceress-queen Oblixta to do her bidding and direct her massive military forces, had a humbler origin in terms of his murderous career. Oblixta discovered Kerrion at the head of a small army in the walled Kelnian city of Nargos, where he served the local Lord, Cabrisius. Recognizing his potential for cruelty, the up-and-coming witch put a spell upon Kerrion and together they assassinated Cabrisius, increasing the size and scope of her dominion. Once Oblixta had gathered enough military might and magical aptitude, she launched the great attack upon her parents at Castle Cadrach, with Kerrion as General of her legions.

Significant Traits: A man of few words and much wretched thought, Kerrion needed no spell or charm to summon cruelty in his soul — there has always more than enough of that to spare. His abilities as a merciless fighter, cunning strategist and uncompromising leader have proved indispensable to Queen Oblixta and she commands not only his loyalty but his deep-seated fear. Whether his dedication to evil shall reap the reward he truly desires is, however, another matter entirely.

Unique Powers/Abilities: Military prowess. Unmitigated cruelty on the battlefield.

Classic Quote: “How could you have dealt with me so? I have served you long and faithfully. What are you planning in your wickedness?”

Featured In: Book Three (Rowan Blaize and the Starbane Exile)

*If I am ever fortunate enough to see Rowan’s adventures adapted for film or for the stage, this is the actor (or creature) I can most readily visualize playing the character in a given profile.

___________________________

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

He-Man & She-Ra: Proudly fostering body dysmorphic disorders since 1983!

POP HAZMAT RETRO HALL OF FAME presents Wonderfully Warped Children’s Television!by JONATHAN KIERAN

TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: He-Man (1983-1985) and She-Ra (1985-1986)

GUILTY OF VEHICULAR FANSLAUGHTER: He-Man, She-Ra, Skeletor, Battle Cat, Teela and all the elves working Mattel’s Everlasting Assembly-line of Dysfunctional Dreams.

He-Man and She-Ra ... Padding the bank accounts of psychologists specializing in Body Dysmorphic Disorders since the 1980s!

He-Man and She-Ra … Padding the bank accounts of psychologists specializing in Body Dysmorphic Disorders since the 1980s!

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: If you were a trendy child growing-up in the 1980s and early 1990s, there’s little chance you escaped the pop-culture gravitational pull of He-Man and She-Ra, who were basically two sword & sorcery action-figures with their own animated Saturday morning infomercials thinly disguised as kids’ TV shows. He-Man came first as you were spooning Cap’n Crunchies into your spellbound face and dripping sugar-saturated milk all over your jammies and onto Mother’s new JC Penney area-rug. But you could hardly look away when He-Man sauntered across the screen in all of his garish, stilted-animation glory. He-Man was essentially a warrior-type dragged from any garden-variety epic fantasy novel, stripped of every piece of clothing a warrior would need, except for a colorful jock-strap and boots, pumped with a regimen of steroids that’d make Lance Armstrong look like a dilettante and armed (of course) with a magic sword.

Or maybe the magic sword was the talisman of She-Ra, He-Man’s twin sister, who got her own spin-off show/infomercial so the little girls and the gays would have something to razzle their dazzle while masticating Cocoa Puffs and Pop Tarts from 9AM til Noon on weekends. She-Ra was as overblown as He-Man, for these were the days when slightly doughy or out-of-shape heroes (like TV’s Batman and Robin or the skinflint “Shaggy” from Scooby-Doo) just couldn’t cut the cartoon mustard any more, so kids were being presented with progressively exaggerated images of the human body and schooled in the importance of having Big-Gulp secondary sex characteristics when the time came to transform into one’s crime-fighting alter ego. Thus, She-Ra was stacked like a particularly earnest Hooters waitress working the Halloween shift in a costume she spent maybe ten minutes putting together out of a tablecloth and some ornamental napkin holders from the Pic-N-Save. Her boobs were honeydew-perfect and seemingly attached to her chin, which looked like the surgically sculpted masterpiece of some sought-after Beverly Hills body butcher. Those Power Ta-Tas did not flinch an inch when She-Ra was conquering the forces of evil! In fact, it was probably her chi-chis that poked Skeletor’s eyes out … though the series never addressed that likelihood, to my knowledge.

Skeletor ... Blinded by the Mighty Meemies of She-Ra or just a rip-off of Ghost Rider in Dungeons & Dragons drag?

Skeletor … Blinded by the Mighty Meemies of She-Ra or just a rip-off of Ghost Rider in Dungeons & Dragons drag?

She-Ra’s gargantuan hairdo was a thing of splendor in and of itself — daunting enough to make all 43 of the weaves and assorted clip-on wigs atop Beyoncé’s head writhe like Medusa-snakes in anger and envy. He-Man actually had even bigger and more ridiculous breasts than She-Ra. His torso looked like an airbrushed Smithfield ham balanced atop the legs of a Clydesdale draught-horse, with a baby watermelon stuffed in his red bikini.

For about fifteen minutes during the ’80s, we all loved these shows and couldn’t get enough of the ADHD-inducing drama, much less of the action figure tie-ins and “accessories sold separately.” Then we grew up, as well-adjusted children ought to do, and we moved on — thoroughly prepared for a culture of pervasive internet porn, rampant body dysmorphic disorders, obsessive workout regimens, bodacious breast augmentations, fake hair, fake names, fake intelligence, fake values, indiscriminate displays of physical violence and a vast gallery of narcissistic smartphone “selfies” taken in front of bathroom mirrors by the millions. It’s a lot easier to work for a set of ripped abs or buy a smokin’ hot rack than to fight the Forces of Darkness, these days. Fighting evil with magic swords? Nah, we didn’t bring that part of the show into the new millennium. We just brought the hotness and the Evil.

Thank you, Filmation!

DEFINITIVE DIALOGUE: Here’s 10 indispensable He-Man quotes steeped in the kind of wisdom that explains exactly why your kids turned out the way they did.

EXPERIENCE THE MAGIC: The classic He-Man Intro. Note how the “pre-transformed” Adam (Prince of Eternia) appears to be voiced by a 59-year-old Presbyterian radio-announcer from Topanga with a deviated septum.

______________________

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Sally Field cringes today at her Flying Nun career-choice, but it inspired Richard Branson’s Virgin Air. #NOT

GOODREADS MEMBERS Click Here for a Chance to Win a Giveaway Copy of Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy by Jonathan Kieran. The Contest runs until June 10!

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.
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HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF FAME presents LOVABLY TWEE TV! by JONATHAN KIERAN

TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: The Flying Nun (1967-1970 ABC)

Oscar-winner Sally Field may slash herself a bit around the wrists in regret for taking this role, but her Flying Nun career choice meant 30 minutes of amiable, starched-white whimsy to millions in the '60s and 70s.

Oscar-winner Sally Field may slash herself a bit around the wrists in regret for taking this role, but her Flying Nun career choice brought 30 minutes of amiable, starched-white whimsy to millions in the ’60s and 70s.

GUILTY OF VEHICULAR FANSLAUGHTER: Sally Field, Alejandro Rey, Marge Redmond, Shelley Morrison

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: A novice nun has the ability to fly when wearing her aerodynamic habit. Her convent is always short on funds to help the poor but “Sister Bertrille” is spunky and a tad conniving … in a beatific “milk & cookies” sort of way. Fundraising gimmicks, yacht-dwelling playboys and weekly villains abound. The setting is scintillating Puerto Rico. Hijinks ensue. You can see the strings when she soars. A CLASSIC IS BORN.

DEFINITIVE DIALOGUE: “If Mr. Trouble comes knocking on my door, it’s usually Sister Bertrille that gave him the address.” (“Carlos Ramirez” as played by Alejandro Rey)

BRUSH WITH GREATNESS: Two of this cute little fluff-show’s stars went on to greater fame and fortune outside the confines of the Convent San Tanco. Sally Field wowed audiences and awards-committees playing everything from the archetypal MPD/DID sufferer (Sybil) to the archetypal Southern factory-gal cum union rabble-rouser (Norma Rae). Millions came to like her; they really really liked her. Shelley Morrison later made big bank and gave millions of gay men a lifetime supply of withering one-liners as sybarite Karen Walker’s wisecracking maid, Rosario, on the groundbreaking Will and Grace show.

LEGACY: Flew the flag for virgin air-travel long before Richard Branson hit his stride. BE WARNED: Nuns with Magical Headgear inspire people to become either billionaires or Nick at Nite addicts covered in the clammy flopsweat of obsessive nostalgia … somewhere in the dreadful dark of Mom & Dad’s basement.

EXPERIENCE THE MAGIC: They sure don’t make nuns like they used to. We would’ve been much more attentive in school if Sister could pull stunts like this.
_____________________________________

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that might just destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Happy 91st Birthday, Christopher Lee! (You can play one of my wizards ANYTIME)

GOODREADS MEMBERS Click Here for a Chance to Win a Giveaway Copy of Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy by Jonathan Kieran. The Contest runs until June 10!

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.
_______________________________

~The World of Rowan Blaize: Character Profiles~

The realm of ancient sorcerer Rowan Blaize is one in which otherwise hidden worlds collide with (or dwell alongside) our own mortal sphere. Rowan’s existence is played-out across landscapes and dreamscapes that encompass “worlds within worlds,” providing the observant traveler ample opportunity to encounter creatures of dazzling magical qualities. Some of these beings are friendly, others are belligerent, and still others have a hard time deciding among the various options. From one universe to the next, certain things never change. Enjoy meeting the main characters of Rowan’s adventurous story in the profiles below and remember: wherever the world and whomever the wayfarer … only enchantment is immortal.

Character Name: Gragan

*IMDb Dream-Portrayal By: Christopher Lee

The legendary Chrstopher Lee is soon to release his first (and hopefully one of MANY) heavy metal music albums. Oh yeah. Rock on, Saruman!

The legendary Chrstopher Lee is soon to release his first (and hopefully one of MANY) heavy metal music albums. Oh yeah. Rock on, Saruman!

Nature/Occupation: Semi-immortal wizard.

Age: 323 yrs.

Background: The origins of the Gragan wizard are unknown but he was the Lord and Master of Drothgad Mountain in Kelnia, living a life of luxury and magical bounty, unchallenged and unconcerned with the goings-on of the rest of the world around his own. Meeting a young sorceress named Oblixta changed all of that. Quickly.

Significant Traits: Though he had once surrounded himself with riches and other manifestations of opulence, the Gragan Wizard is rather down-at-heel when we first encounter him. Scabby. Withered. Robbed of his power. Tortured. Imprisoned. Feasting on roaches in the dark. All he has left is a signet ring he managed to keep hidden from those who reduced him to naked powerlessness. Yep.

Unique Powers/Abilities: Gragan was one of the great wonderworkers of the Kelnian world and master of a multitude of magnificent spells and incantations, many of them he (unfortunately for him) wrote down in his ill-fated and flesh-bound tomes. One trick he could not perform, however, was the ability to travel between dimensions and investigate other worlds. This failure frustrated him to no end and was likewise the reason he was able to first meet Rowan Blaize … and later call upon Rowan for a bit of vengeance-by-proxy when his world came crashing down.

Classic Quote: “You see, I struck a little bargain with Rowan Blaize during a rather harrowing predicament that took place when he first stumbled upon these lands, long ago. He is bound by an old spell, and by his own interests, to aid you on my behalf if you demand it, and if you show him the sign. And believe me, boy … you shall need aid.”

Featured In: Book Three (Rowan Blaize and the Starbane Exile)

*If I am ever fortunate enough to see Rowan’s adventures adapted for film or for the stage, this is the actor (or creature) I can most readily visualize playing the character in a given profile.

____________________________________

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that might just destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Ohio “kidnap hero” DOESN’T want burgers for life. Aorta breathes sigh of relief. #popculture

GOODREADS MEMBERS Click Here for a Chance to Win a Giveaway Copy of Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy by Jonathan Kieran. The Contest runs until June 10!

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.
________________________

HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Ohio Kidnap Hero DOESN’T Want Burgers for Life posted by JONATHAN KIERAN

"I love tasty burgers, but my heart says, 'NO!' " (photo: Cleveland Fox news 8)

“I love my tasty burgers, but my heart says, ‘NO!’ “
(photo: Cleveland Fox news 8)

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 3 (Quotient could increase if he is being coy just to get a “piece of the burger action.” For now, Charles gets the benefit of the doubt.)

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Man gobbles Big Mac luxuriously on Cleveland front porch. Man notices desperate kidnap victim trying to escape the house next door. Man calls cops. Man becomes overnight celebrity and acknowledged hero. Man is rewarded with offers to satiate his lifetime “burger habit” for free. Man consults attorneys. Man declines tempting beefy overtures.

EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: In declining a future glutted with complimentary slabs of ground-cow with special sauce, lettuce and cheese betwixt sesame-seed buns, Charles Ramsey’s life-expectancy has now increased by 15 years. At least 40 cows are spared. Everybody wins.

TAKE-AWAY QUOTE: “I didn’t authorize my name to be used on any merchandise!”

THERAPEUTIC CINEMA: Fast Food Revolution (Watch the Full Flick on You Tube)

DETOX DINNER: A Double-Double with fries from In-N-Out Burger. (Don’t worry … the cows are top-quality, the burgers are assembled by courteous Mormon-like youths and there are Bible-verses hidden on the packaging. These burgers taste absolutely sinful but are apparently God-Approved.)
_______________________

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that might just destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Pop HazMat Headline du Jour: Ashton Kutcher Says Twitter is Really Messed Up

GOODREADS MEMBERS Click Here for a Chance to Win a Giveaway Copy of Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy by Jonathan Kieran. The Contest runs until June 10!

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.
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HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Ashton Kutcher Says Twitter is Really Messed Up by Jonathan Kieran

Behold One of the Staggering Intellects of Our Time

Behold One of the Staggering Intellects of Our Time

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 6 (OR: approximately the toxic equivalent of every photo of Demi Moore that has managed to find publication since 2008)

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Yes, Ashton Kutcher, Twitter is a pointless, hot mess. But so is Two and a Half Men, and that isn’t likely to be going anywhere for a long time, either. Deal.

EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: No ramifications. Anyone on Twitter has already lost his or her Eternal Soul, so existential issues mean nothing to us.

TAKE-AWAY QUOTE: “There’s a lot of people selling shit that I don’t want in my feed.” (Most interesting, Ashton. Are you talking about people selling half-baked Hollywood philosophical ramblings, celebrity worship, dimwitted upcoming film productions and execrable TV shows that actually jumped-the-shark before the pilot even aired? The hypocrisy is as refreshing as the scatterbrained drivel you spew. Gives it a pert, bubbly nuance … not unlike a drink of radiant goodness from a bottle of Champale that’s been sitting in the sun on the front porch of a hooker’s trailer by the Salton Sea for twelve days in mid-July. *Don’t ask me how I know that*)

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to tweet all of this. HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND, Y’ALL.
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Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that might just destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
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