Well, I certainly wouldn’t choose Will Ferrell for the part. Too solemn. #daydreams

~The World of Rowan Blaize: Character Profiles~ by JONATHAN KIERAN

The realm of ancient sorcerer Rowan Blaize is one in which otherwise hidden worlds collide with (or dwell alongside) our own mortal sphere. Rowan’s existence is played-out across landscapes and dreamscapes that encompass “worlds within worlds,” providing the observant traveler ample opportunity to encounter creatures of dazzling magical qualities. Some of these beings are friendly, others are belligerent, and still others have a hard time deciding among the various options. From one universe to the next, certain things never change. Enjoy meeting the main characters of Rowan’s adventurous story in the profiles below and remember: wherever the world and whomever the wayfarer … only enchantment is immortal.

Character Name: Rowan Blaize

*IMDb Dream-Portrayal By: Ben Whishaw

British thespian Ben Whishaw, who played Ariel so convincingly in a recent cinematic version of 'The Tempest,' has the aura and bearing I could imagine for Rowan Blaize in any film adaptation of my warlock's adventures. Ben would have to play Rowan just a bit more down-to-earth and with less caprice, but the "look" is unquestionably there. Hey ... one can indeed dream.

British thespian Ben Whishaw, who played Ariel so convincingly in a recent cinematic version of ‘The Tempest,’ has the aura and bearing I could imagine for Rowan Blaize in any film adaptation of my warlock’s adventures. Ben would have to play Rowan just a bit more down-to-earth and with less caprice, but the “look” is unquestionably there. Hey … one can indeed dream.

Nature/Occupation: Sorcerer and demigod

Age: 2,800 yrs.

Background: Born somewhere in the British Isles “when Rome was being founded,” Rowan hails from a long line of wonderworkers descended from the first spiritual Powers that occupied the world at its creation. As such, he and his kind are not mortal beings, though they age differently according to their respective bloodlines and skill levels. Rowan belongs to a particularly gifted family of sorcerers who, in general, are indifferent to the humans that live alongside them. Perhaps for this reason, Rowan is fond of slipping in-between the veils that separate the many worlds and magical dimensions that exist — worlds from whence much of his power is sometimes drawn.

Significant Traits: Rowan appears to be a young mortal human of perhaps nineteen or twenty years, at most. His bearing is noble and dignified, according to his distinguished magical pedigree. He possesses an insatiable spirit of wanderlust and occasionally tends toward the whimsical e.g. he might join a band of itinerant musicians, incognito, just for kicks. Though Rowan is pragmatic by nature and extremely powerful, he is also a just and merciful being, as evidenced by his treatment of the foundling, Miranda, and other hapless souls and spirits he encounters on his adventures. He also loves to throw a good party.

Unique Powers/Abilities: Rowan is thought to be the prodigy of his illustrious family. His greatest gifts include the ability to fly “unaided by any magical talisman,” the power of shape-shifting, and a knack for slipping between hidden worlds and dimensions with greater facility (and less risk of catastrophe) than many of his peers.

Classic Quote: “So now you’re here to pity me, or rub my hardship in? The love of gods for sorcerers has ever been most thin.”

Featured In: Books One-Four of The Enchanted Heritage Chronicles (Rowan Blaize, Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy, Rowan Blaize and the Starbane Exile, Book Four As-Yet-Untitled).

*If I am ever fortunate enough to see Rowan’s adventures adapted for film or for the stage, this is the actor (or creature) I can most readily visualize playing the character in a given profile.

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If you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

“Robbing Debra Winger like a common 7-11 for Terms of Endearment. Ghastly woman.” #downtonabbey

EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS: POP HAZMAT presents “CAPTURED MOMENTS” by JONATHAN KIERAN

"I'd dearly love to tell her to get out of town, along with the horse she rode in on, but she obviously shot the poor animal and shoved its tail into that ridiculous hat. [sigh]. Americans. What's to be done with them, I ask you?"

“I’d dearly love to tell her to get out of town, along with the horse she rode in on, but it’s obvious she shot the poor creature and shoved part of its tail into that ridiculous hat. [sigh]. Americans. What’s to be done with them, I ask you?”

_____________

If you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

They’ve handled this sort of thing for centuries at #Downton.

EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS OF EXCESS: POP HAZMAT presents “CAPTURED MOMENTS” by JONATHAN KIERAN

What's this I hear? You say that some illiterate troll referred to Lady Mary as a 'stupid f*%king heffa' in the comments section of an online article? For no reason whatsoever? Why, the solution is quite simple, my dear. Hack into the system, trace this individual's IP address, find out where they live and have them killed. It can all be done before dinner. Trust Granny, the world will appreciate the added breathing space. Now, kindly tell Carson to send for my car. We have work to do."

“What’s this I hear? You say that some illiterate troll referred to Lady Mary as a ‘stupid f*%king heffa’ in the comments section of an online article? For no reason whatsoever? Why, the solution is quite simple, my dear. Hack into the system, trace this individual’s IP address, find out where they live and have them killed. It can all be managed before dinner. Trust Granny, the world will appreciate the added breathing space. Now, kindly tell Carson to send ’round for my car. We have work to do.”


_________

If you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

It could be worse. I hear Aquaman is selling #timeshares.

EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS: POP HAZMAT presents “CAPTURED MOMENTS” by JONATHAN KIERAN

"So a desperate little paparazzo finally gets a shot of me, after all these years. Big freakin' deal! You think this is gonna ruin my morning? Ha! Sure, things started going downhill after the series got cancelled in 1978. Have you ever had the bank repossess your invisible plane?  No? Well, it ain't no day at the beach, let me tell you, pal. I've made some mistakes since then. Who hasn't? Sure, I started hanging around with Kirstie Alley and  sublimating my fragile emotions primarily through the wanton and ravenous consumption of baked goods. It happens to a lot of people. Just ask Val Kilmer. But I can still work the hell out of this Golden Lasso, honey, so if I were you, I'd make tracks and let a lady walk into her local Coldstone Creamery without the need for bloodshed. Capiche?"

“So a desperate little paparazzo finally gets a shot of me, after all these years. Big freakin’ deal! You think this is gonna ruin my morning? Think again, asshole. Sure, things went downhill after the series got cancelled in 1978. Have you ever had the bank repossess your invisible plane? No? Well, it ain’t no day at the beach, let me tell you, pal. I’ve made some mistakes since then. Who hasn’t? I started hanging-out a little too much with Kirstie Alley and sublimating my fragile emotions through the ravenous consumption of baked goods. So what? It happens to a lot of people. Just ask Val Kilmer. But I can still work the hell out of this Golden Lasso, honey, so if I were you, I’d make tracks and let a lady walk into Coldstone Creamery without the need for bloodshed. Capiche?”


______________________

If you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

“Really, what’s a little exsanguination among sisters, I ask you?” #LadyGrantham

EAVESDROPPING at the EDGE of ETERNITY: POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” by JONATHAN KIERAN

"Oh, my Darling, it's really quite simple. The best possible remedy for these ghastly reality programs is to produce an episode wherein each of the Kardashian females is placed in a kayak and forced to paddle her way in a race against the others around the Farallon Islands. In October, mind you. That's when the sharks are said to be hungriest, or so I am informed by several sources of the most impeccable character. All God's creatures must dine and I daresay even a Great White would not soon turn its nose up at the prospect of several greasy and otherwise useless mammals streaking across the surface of the water. Don't you think? It would make for exceptional television, that much is a certainty. Moreover, if one of those insufferable doxies managed to survive the gauntlet, why, I suppose she could be left on the island for weeks without food or water. Perhaps the cameras would catch her being pecked to death by seagulls or puffins or canaries or whatever manner of birdlife inhabits such dreary corners of the world. Really, the Americans would do well to take a tip from me in this matter. Now, be a dear and ring Carson for a spot of tea and some of Mrs. Patmore's lovely pudding. All this talk of suet has left me a bit peckish. Imagine that."

“Oh, my Darling, it’s really quite simple. The best possible remedy for these ghastly reality programs is to produce an episode wherein each of the Kardashian females is placed in a kayak and forced to paddle her way in a race against the others around the Farallon Islands. In October, mind you. That’s when the sharks are said to be hungriest, or so I am informed by several sources of the most unimpeachable character. All God’s creatures must dine and I daresay even a Great White would not soon turn its nose up at the prospect of several greasy and otherwise useless mammals streaking across the surface of the briny. Don’t you agree? Or you could put them in those inflatable tubes and send them bobbing about the waves off Honolulu. The Tiger Sharks find those waters rather favorable. Did you know that they call the Tiger Shark ‘the garbage-can of the ocean,’ my dear? Most appropriate for our present purposes, surely. Oh, it would make for exceptional television, that much is certain. Moreover, if one of those insufferable doxies managed to survive the gauntlet, why, I suppose she could be left on an island for days without food or water. Perhaps the cameras would even catch her being pecked to death by seagulls or puffins or canaries or whatever manner of famished birdlife inhabits such corners of the world. Who knows? It’s all so delightful to ponder. The Americans would do well to take a tip from me in this matter. Now, be a dear and ring Carson for a spot of tea and some of Mrs. Patmore’s lovely pudding. All this talk of suet has left me a bit peckish. Imagine that.”

___________

If you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Oh, dear! Looks like Pimp Mama Kris's kayak has run into a bit of trouble off the Farallons.

Oh, dear! Looks like Pimp Mama Kris’s kayak has run into a bit of trouble off the Farallons.

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

For everyone’s sake, enjoy your penguins in #moderation.

POP HAZMAT CAPTURED MOMENTS posted by JONATHAN KIERAN

“So, anyhow, the pod of bottlenose dolphins didn’t even know we were around until that stupid Barbara let one rip, right in the middle of the hunt. It was like a bomb going off, Sheila! Poor Leonard was swimming behind her and practically turned green. Never saw such a bubble in my life. floating up on the surface. I told Barb, I said, ‘Girl, you need to lay off the penguins before bedtime.’ I mean, I love 'em, too, but they are SO not worth the gas and bloating." I swear, some people have no consideration for the comfort of others."

“So, anyhow, the pod of bottlenose dolphins didn’t even know we were around until that stupid Barbara let one rip, right in the middle of the hunt. It was like a bomb going off, Sheila! I think it even killed an otter floating up on the surface. Poor Leonard was swimming behind her and practically turned green. Never saw such a bubble in my life. I told Barb, I said, ‘Girl, you need to lay off the penguins before bedtime.’ I mean, I love ’em, too, but they are SO not worth the gas and bloating.” I swear, some people have no consideration for the comfort of others.”

_______________

If you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Devotion crosses centuries for eager Egyptian statue. #badtasteistimeless

POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Ancient Egyptian Statue Moves By Itself In Museum Case: Curators Stumped! by JONATHAN KIERAN

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Curators of the Manchester Museum in England are flabbergasted by the way an ancient Egyptian statue appears to be moving of its own volition during the daytime within a locked glass case. One museum official even thinks the statue (representing a mummified man named “Neb-Senu”) might even be possessed by the spirit of the long-deceased Egyptian himself, since statues placed alongside mummies in ancient tombs were believed to act as agents or “receptacles” for the souls of the dead. Curators claim to have captured Neb-Senu’s 180-degree turns on time-lapse video.

Neb-Senu's statue is spinning on his own axis to the befuddlement of museum officials. (PHOTO: L. Lovelock via YouTube)

Neb-Senu’s statue is spinning on his own axis to the befuddlement of museum officials. (PHOTO: L. Lovelock via YouTube)

While scholars in English museums may be stumped over this admittedly strange phenomenon, intrepid Pop HazMat reporters currently on assignment in the UK were able to get to the bottom of this peculiar matter very easily. A brief afternoon of observation was all our inquiring minds needed to reveal what English curators completely failed to notice in their misguided investigations. Based upon the distinct angle of the statue’s daily spin-cycle, Neb-Senu turns to get a direct and thrilling view of the billboard across the street from the Manchester Museum:

whorefromhell

MYSTERY SOLVED.

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 1. Neb-Senu’s extraordinary attempt to get a good look at the billboard of “Backdoor Farrah” should come as no surprise whatsoever to any student of history. The Ancient Egyptians were well-known for worshipping dogs and this is clearly an act of religious devotion.
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If you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads