Some stars just aren’t meant to go #dancing.

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

Maksim knew that their performance of the Charleston was doomed when he discovered that Khloe Kardashian had not been born with opposable thumbs.

Maks knew with horrifying certainty that the Charleston rehearsal was doomed when Khloe K revealed a lack of opposable thumbs and started shedding scales on the dance-floor.


________

While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

There’s room for only one #dowager in an English rose garden.

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

"So, Mister Smith, I had presumed that you were one of the Bedforshire Allen-Smiths, but Lady Mary tells us that you are an entertainer of some sort. Is this true?"

“So, Mister Smith, I had presumed that you were one of the Bedforshire Allen-Smiths –a most respectable family, indeed. But Lady Mary tells us that you are, in fact, an entertainer of some sort. Is this true?”

"That sure is true, Mrs. Countess. I have my own television show!"

“Right as a raindrop, Mrs. Dowager. I even have my own television show.”

"A television show? Goodness gracious me, how vulgar. You're not possibly related to that actress 'Smith' --What was her name? Martha ... Maggie? I forget. Actors are all such insufferable creatures, I can't be bothered remembering much about them."

“A television show? Goodness gracious me. How vulgar. You’re not possibly related to that actress ‘Smith’ –What was her name? Martha … Mandy … Maggie? I forget. Actors are all such insufferable creatures, I can’t be bothered remembering much about them.”

Yes, actors are a rather insufferable breed. Did you know that many of them are also notorious drunks? But I'm not an actor, Ma'am. I'm a gardener, an interior design specialist and a connoisseur of the world's finest shampoos and conditioners."

Yes, actors are a rather irritating breed. Did you know that many of them are also notorious drunks? But I’m not an actor, Ma’am. I’m a renowned gardener, an interior design wizard, and a connoisseur of the world’s finest shampoos and conditioners, as you may have noticed.”

"Why, I've never heard such ridiculousness in all my days. What on earth are you doing here at Downton, young man?"

“Why, I’ve never heard such ridiculousness in all my days. What on earth are you doing here at Downton, young man?”

"Getting ready to kick your aristocratic butt in the annual Downton Rose-Growing Competition, Ma'am."

“Getting ready to bring home the trophy in the annual Rose-Growing Competition, Ma’am.”

"Young man, I established that competition and I will have know that my roses have won first-prize every year for the past 45 years."

“Young man, I established that competition myself, and I will have you know that my Floribundas have won first-prize every year for the past 45 years!”

"Yes, well, my Amber Flushes are about to hand you your ass on a silver platter, Ma'am."

“Yes, well, that may be true, but with all due respect, Ma’am, my Amber Flushes are about to hand you your ass on a silver platter.”

[gasp!] By the lecherous loins of Kemal Pemuk, he did NOT just say that to my Granny!

[gasp!]By the lecherous loins of Kemal Pemuk, he did NOT just say that to my Granny.

"Oh, Mr. Allen Peasmith or whatever your name is, I'm afraid you don't know who you're dealing with. If you think you can simply waft into town like some overgrown, blow-dried Huckleberry Hound and steal my floral thunder, you are sorely mistaken."

“Oh, Mr. Allen Peasmith or whatever your name is, I’m afraid you don’t know with whom you are dealing. If you think you can simply waft into Downton like some overgrown, blow-dried Huckleberry Hound and steal my thunder, you are sorely mistaken.”

"In cases like this, Mrs. Dowager, I prefer to let my precious blossoms do the talking. Shall we wage this battle from the garden?"

“In cases like this, Mrs. Dowager, I prefer to let my precious blossoms do the talking. So whaddaya say? Shall we wage this battle from the garden?”

"From the garden, Mr. Smith. But rest assured -- this time tomorrow I shall have your guts for my bootlaces."

“From the garden it shall be, Mr. Smith. But rest assured — by this time tomorrow I shall have your guts for my bootlaces. Carson, send round for my car. I have work to do.”

[ gulp! ]

[ gulp! ]

LATER …

"Oh, Mr. Bates, it's dreadful! The old lady is really going to kill that kind American man with the fluffy hair. Only someone truly sinister might have the depraved sense of treachery required to stop her. Any ideas?"

“Oh, Mr. Bates, it’s dreadful! The old lady is really going to kill that kind American man with the impossibly fluffy hair. Only someone truly sinister and wretched to-the-core might have the depraved sense of treachery required to stop her. Any ideas?”

"What are you two daft birds lookin' at me for? You think I'd know anything about roses? Not bloody likely."

“What are you two daft birds looking at me for? You think I know anything about roses? Not bloody likely.”

_______________

While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Sigourney W? Yeah, she has the chops and the cheekbones to play a #goddess.

~The World of Rowan Blaize: Character Profiles~ by JONATHAN KIERAN

The realm of ancient sorcerer Rowan Blaize is one in which otherwise hidden worlds collide with (or dwell alongside) our own mortal sphere. Rowan’s existence is played-out across landscapes and dreamscapes that encompass “worlds within worlds,” providing the observant traveler ample opportunity to encounter creatures of dazzling magical qualities. Some of these beings are friendly, others are belligerent, and still others have a hard time deciding among the various options. From one universe to the next, certain things never change. Enjoy meeting the main characters of Rowan’s adventurous story in the profiles below and remember: wherever the world and whomever the wayfarer … only enchantment is immortal.

Character Name: Circe

*IMDb Dream-Portrayal By: Sigourney Weaver

The great Sigourney Weaver has the chops and the cheekbones to play an icy goddess, indeed.

The great Sigourney Weaver has the chops and the cheekbones to play an icy goddess, indeed.

Nature/Occupation: Goddess (with attitude) and sometime zookeeper.

Age: Born not terribly long after … Oh, say … the Dawn of Time?

Background: The daughter of a solar deity and a water-spirit, Circe was one of the lesser (but still mighty) deities who opted for more earthly accommodations than those offered by Olympus through the ages. She came to occupy the legendary island of Aeaea and there spent centuries performing complex and often vindictive sorcery. Shipwrecked sailors were the primary targets of her various experiments and machinations, but other divinities feared her powers, too. Rowan Blaize’s mother and his aunt, Ariadne, were once handmaidens of the goddess on her lonely island. Despite Circe’s meddling in the personal lives of various swashbuckling demigods, she endured into the modern age with her powers, her beauty—and her vengeful nature—well intact.

Significant Traits: Like any divine embodied spirit, Circe has an arrogant attitude when it comes to beings of lesser mettle. Her unchecked arrogance, however, has often been her undoing in conflicts against her peers and wily mortal heroes. Beautiful and bitter, she remains a perilous foe and a fairweather friend, in the best of times.

Unique Powers/Abilities: There are few spells and magical achievements beyond Circe’s capability, but the power of transmogrification seems to be her forte.

Classic Quote: “Imagine, Rowan, if you will, the vision that I see—the world’s most mighty sorcerers … and all controlled by me.”

Featured In: Book One (Rowan Blaize) and Book Four (As-Yet-Untitled)

*If I am ever fortunate enough to see Rowan’s adventures adapted for film or for the stage, this is the actor (or creature) I can most readily visualize playing the character in a given profile.

___________

While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Playin’ with the Constance Langdon “Welcome Wagon.” #AHS

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

"Sure, I thought about bringing you something from one of those trendy little shops that sell the fancy sort of cupcake, but you don't strike me as a 'fancy cupcake' kind of person, so why on earth should I waste perfectly good money that could be spent on cigarettes, whiskey and the affections of a twenty-five year old boy-toy with six-pack abs and a brain the size of a walnut? Here. I picked this up at that grimy Korean market on the corner. It's a Devil Square. Made by a culinary genius who calls herself 'Little Debbie.' Welcome to the freaking neighborhood."

“Sure, I thought about bringing you something from one of those trendy little shops that sell a fancy sort of cupcake, but you don’t strike me as a ‘fancy cupcake’ sort of person, so why on earth should I waste perfectly good money that could be spent on cigarettes, whiskey and the affections of a 25 year-old boy-toy with six-pack abs and a brain the size of a walnut? Here. I picked this up at that grimy Korean market on the corner. It’s a Devil Square. Made by a culinary genius. Calls herself ‘Little Debbie.’ Welcome to the freaking neighborhood.”

_____

While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

“What is it, Mr. Bates?” #downtonsatire

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

"I hate to tell you this, Anna my love, but in addition to my war injury, years of furtive alcoholism, false imprisonment for murder of my wife and various other difficulties to which I have exposed your tender heart, I must confess something that you may find a bit troubling. You see, I once spent 227 days stranded on a lifeboat with a Bengal tiger named 'Richard Parker' and, after finally drifting ashore in Mexico, Richard leapt from the boat and promptly consumed a comely senorita named 'Lupe,' whose father held me responsible for the tragic attack. To avoid punishment by the authorities, I was given the chance to make reparation for my negligence by marrying the man's other daughter, an armless maiden named 'Rosario,' who fell ill with a fever and died the day after our wedding, but not before revealing that she had once been secretly engaged to a bandit who, before his execution, had buried a treasure of gold coins deep in the nearby hills of San Jacinto, only she had never been able to retrieve the chest, what with being armless and all. Still, with her dying breath she begged me to one day return to the hills of Jacinto and search for the treasure in order to build a great banana plantation in her everlasting memory. This has weighed upon my mind for some time, Anna, as you may have surmised by my perpetually downcast and enigmatic demeanor, but after much thought I have decided that I must honor Rosario's dying wish. Therefore, I will be leaving Downton on the next available ship to Cancun that I might begin my quest. I may be gone for a very, very, very long time, and I wanted to know one thing, my love, my cherished and faithful angel. Will you write?"

“I hate to tell you this, Anna my love, but in addition to my crippling war injury, years of furtive alcoholism, false imprisonment for the murder of my wife and various other difficulties to which I have exposed your tender and trusting heart, I must confess something that you may find a bit troubling. You see, Anna, I once spent 227 days stranded on a lifeboat with a Bengal tiger named ‘Richard Parker’ and, after finally drifting ashore in Mexico, Richard leapt from the boat and promptly consumed a comely senorita named ‘Lupe,’ whose father held me personally responsible for the tragic attack. To avoid punishment by the local authorities, I was given the chance to make reparation for my negligence by marrying the man’s other daughter, an armless maiden named ‘Rosario,’ who fell ill with a fever and died the day after our wedding, but not before revealing that she had once been secretly engaged to a bandit who, before his execution, had buried a treasure of gold coins deep in the nearby hills of San Jacinto, only she had never been able to dig-up the chest, what with not having arms and all. Still, with her dying breath she begged me to one day return to the hills of her homeland and search for the treasure in order to build a great banana plantation dedicated to her everlasting memory. This has weighed upon my mind for some time, Anna, as you may have surmised by my perpetually glum and enigmatic demeanor. After much thought, however, I have decided that I must honor Rosario’s dying wish. Therefore, Anna, I will be leaving Downton as a stowaway on the next available ship to Cancun, so that I might begin my quest. I may be gone for a very, very, very long time, and I wanted to know one thing, my love, my cherished and faithful angel.”

"What is it, Mr. Bates?" (sniff. sniff.)

“What is it, Mr. Bates?” (sniff. sniff.)

"Will you write?"

“Will you write?”

____________

While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release by Brightbourne in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

When in doubt, say it with #roadkill.

POP HAZMAT presents CAPTURED MOMENTS by JONATHAN KIERAN

Lawmakers recently opted against roadside "Welcome" billboards in favor of less expensive but equally unmistakable signs informing people that they are about to cross state lines into West Virginia.

State lawmakers recently voted 22-1 against fancy roadside billboards in favor of a less expensive (but equally unmistakable) sign welcoming folks to West Virginia.

... Attorney General Barbra Lou Jenkins (above) introduced the money-saving measure.

… Attorney General Barbra Lou Jenkins (above) introduced the money-saving measure, reminding citizens to participate in her upcoming “If You Can Hit It with a Car, It’s Supper” nutritional campaign, launching statewide September 5th.

_______________

While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Gardener P. Allen Smith takes the guesswork out of growing the dreaded Mother-in-Law Plant. #satire

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

"Hi! I'm P. Allen Smith, and with Autumn just around the corner, we're going to learn a little bit about how to grow one of the most popular and delicious comfort foods you can find in the American garden -- the Mother-in-Law Plant!"

“Hi! I’m P. Allen Smith, and with Autumn just around the corner, we’re going to learn a little bit about how to grow one of the most popular and delicious comfort foods you can find in the American garden — the Mother-in-Law Plant!”

"As soon as your Mother-in-Law Plant begins to sprout in the garden, it is crucial to rid the surrounding area of weeds and pests. Aphids, hornworms, and even raccoons will be eager to have a nibble at the softer parts of this delicious perennial, so it might be a good idea to spray her regularly in the face with harsh pesticides and surround the cultivated plot with protective mesh. These often critical, cantankerous plants tend to thrive when the responsible gardener takes time for hand-feeding. Soft materials like oatmeal, cottage cheese and peanut butter have been known to work wonders. Some growers have even had success with moist cat-food that can be obtained from any grocery store. If your Mother-in-Law Plant happens to be one of the rare Appalachian varietals, a little bit of chewing tobacco once or twice a week will go a long way toward producing vibrant blossoms! One of the best things about these fabulous vegetables is that they will let you know when they are ready to be harvested. Listen closely in early October and you'll hear them complaining incessantly about the morning chill. Once that happens, it is time to get the kitchen ready for a feast! Simply rip your Mother-in-Law Plant from the fertile earth by grabbing her hair and employing a few, violent shaking movements. The roots should come right up without a problem. These plants tend to make a strange whimpering sound when on the cutting-board, but pay no attention to that as you prepare your memorable meal. Some people like to soften their well-chopped pieces in an all-day crock pot, but I like to serve my guests a fricassee of Mother-in-Law Plant and chanterelle mushrooms seasoned with a bit of fresh thyme. A dry Riesling pairs nicely with this late-harvest delicacy and you can be sure that your friends will be raving for days about your culinary abilities. They may even pester you for tips about how to raise their own Mother-in-Law Plants. Be sure to tell them you learned it all from me! Until next time, from the garden, I'm Allen Smith!"

“As soon as your Mother-in-Law Plant begins to sprout in the garden, it is crucial to rid the surrounding area of weeds and pests. Aphids, hornworms, and even raccoons will be eager to have a nibble at the softer parts of this delicious perennial, so it might be a good idea to spray her regularly in the face with harsh pesticides and surround the cultivated plot with protective mesh. These often critical, cantankerous plants tend to thrive when the responsible gardener takes time for hand-feeding. Soft materials like oatmeal, cottage cheese and peanut butter have been known to work wonders. Some growers have even had success with moist cat-food that can be obtained from any grocery store. If your Mother-in-Law Plant happens to be one of the rare Appalachian or Ozark varietals, a little bit of chewing tobacco once or twice a week will go a long way toward producing vibrant blossoms! One of the best things about these fabulous vegetables is that they will let you know when they are ready to be harvested. Listen closely in early October and you’ll hear them complaining incessantly about the morning chill. Once that happens, it is time to get the kitchen ready for a feast. Simply rip your Mother-in-Law Plant from the fertile earth by grabbing her hair and employing a few, violent shaking movements. The roots should come right up without a problem. These plants tend to make a strange whimpering sound when on the cutting-board, but pay no attention to that as you prepare your memorable meal. Some people like to soften their well-chopped pieces in an all-day crock pot, but I like to serve my guests a fricassee of Mother-in-Law Plant and chanterelle mushrooms seasoned with a bit of fresh thyme. A dry Riesling pairs nicely with this late-harvest delicacy and you can be sure that your friends will be raving for days about your culinary abilities. They may even pester you for tips about how to raise their own Mother-in-Law Plants. Be sure to tell them you learned it all from me!”

"Until next time, from the garden, I'm Allen Smith!"

“Until next time, from the garden, I’m Allen Smith!”

______

While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads