Be careful what you throw around this #Thanksgiving. Things can get tense around the table.

"Don't look at me like that. I was over at Barbra's the other day and she had these things on the floor and was getting ready to just step all over them--God knows what the hell she was thinking!--so I said to her, I said, 'Barbra, have you lost your friggin' mind entirely? You can't just trample a perfectly good set of pearls underfoot! Not on your nice hardwood floors! Here, give me those things, if you haven't got any use for them. You think I can't use a set like that? You think I'm dripping in jewels, the way my Harvey spends money down at the track? Think for a minute, darling. I can wear those to the club luncheon next week and make Linda Pullman gnash her teeth with envy, for crying out loud.' And Barbra looked at me and said, 'Well, if you feel that strongly about it, Sheila,' and I said, "Yes, I do! What do you think--I just open my mouth for the sake of hearing myself talk? That I form words and sentences for the sheer pleasure of speaking?' And then she gave them to me. Aren't they gorgeous? Harvey didn't even notice them, but I don't care. I'm going to have to drop-in on Barbra more often. I mean, who knows what sort of precious things she might choose to stomp on next? I tell you, I love her, but I don't know about this world. I don't know about people anymore. Nothing's sacred these days. Nothing."

“Don’t look at me like that. I was over at Barbra’s the other day and she had these things on the floor and was getting ready to just step all over them–God knows what the hell she was thinking!–so I said to her, I said, ‘Barbra, have you lost your friggin’ mind entirely? You can’t just trample a perfectly good set of pearls underfoot! Not on your nice Saltillo tile! Here, give me those things, if you haven’t got any use for them. You think I can’t use a set like that, Barbra? You think I’m dripping in jewels, the way my Harvey spends money down at the track? Think for a minute, darling. Use that pretty head of yours for something besides a wig stand. I can wear those to the club luncheon next week and make Linda Pullman gnash her teeth with envy, for crying out loud. I can even wear them to Thanksgiving dinner and make Harvey’s mother fall face-first into her green bean casserole. Maybe scald the skin right off her rotten skull. I mean, these things could be put to good use. What is this waste I see before me?’ And Barbra looked at me and said, ‘Well, if you feel that strongly about it, Sheila,’ and I said, “Yes, I do! What do you think–I just open my mouth for the sake of hearing myself talk? That I form words and sentences with my lips for the sheer pleasure of speaking into the empty air? Of course I feel strongly about it.’ And then she gave them to me. She did. Aren’t they gorgeous? Harvey didn’t even notice them, but I don’t care. I’m going to have to drop-in on Barbra more often. I mean, who knows what precious things she might choose to stomp on next? I could walk in and she’ll be doing the Watusi all over a Donna Karan gown, that one. Sheesh. I tell you, I love her, but I don’t know about this world. I don’t know about people anymore. Nothing’s sacred these days. Nothing.”

pearlies
____

Jonathan Kieran’s (as-yet-untitled) new novel, an epic supernatural thriller, is now finished and slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Circumventing the GOOP #unicorns&virgins

"Gwenyth Paltrow recommends using the tears of  Swedish virgins when making this  soup. I, however, have found that a bit of balsamic vinegar  adds just as much flavor. Besides, who's got time to order rare and expensive ingredients from Paltrow's pretentious website? Now, be a good girl and pass the unicorn sweat, would you, Hilda? At least there'll always be plenty of that."

“Gwyneth Paltrow recommends using the tears of Swedish virgins when making this soup. I, however, have found that a bit of balsamic vinegar adds just as much flavor. Besides, who’s got time to order such rare and expensive ingredients from Paltrow’s pretentious website? Now, be a good girl and pass the unicorn sweat, Hilda. At least there’ll never be a shortage of that.”


____________

Jonathan Kieran’s (as-yet-untitled) new novel, an epic supernatural thriller, is now finished and slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

#SomewhereInEzekiel? …

"Nancy? Um ... Does babbling nonsense into the air make the invisible man in the sky feel good about himself? And what's with our arms? I mean, mine aren't very long. Is it really that important to be a couple of feet closer?"

“Nancy? Does babbling nonsense into the air make the invisible man in the clouds feel good about himself? And what the hell are we doing with our arms? I mean, mine aren’t very long. Is it that important to be a couple of feet closer? Does it make me a better Christian, this shit with the arms?”

"Not really. We do this to be ready when He sends down the heavenly shower of Skittles. Yea, glory! Taste the Rainbow, hallelujah!"

“Not really. We only do this to be ready when He smites Earth with the Heavenly Tempest of Skittles! Don’t you ever read the Scriptures, Sheila? Jesus Christ, get with the program. Now let me be. I feel an anointment of tongues coming on, bitch! Yon-dalla-walla-walla shandala King James shaniqua shaniqua Zanzibar-fondue macarena shandala Bible Bible Bible Bible!”

"Oh! Gummy nuggets of colored corn-syrup from God. We're SAVED!"

“Oh, praise Him! Gummy high-fructose Redemption Nuggets from Above! We’re SAVED!”

... Taste the Rainbow (Hallelujah)

… Taste the Rainbow (Hallelujah)

Who says there’s no hope for the ‘Mericun family? #motherknows

"These matching dresses are cute, Cindy, but one day this birthday nonsense will be over, I'll be out of jail for the murder of your father and his mistress, there'll be a little something called 'Jack Daniels' in these glasses, and the only things we have in common will be spite and a reliance upon benzodiazapines. But don't let me spoil your day, honey. Mommy's just in one of her darker moods."

“These matching dresses are cute, Cindy, but one day this twisted charade will be over, I’ll be out of jail for the murder of Daddy and his mistress, and the only things we’ll have in common will be spite and a reliance upon benzodiazapines. But don’t let me spoil your day, honey. Mommy’s just in one of her darker moods.”


_____________

Jonathan Kieran’s (as-yet-untitled) new novel, an epic supernatural thriller, is now finished and slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Anne with An E-Ticket … #travel

"Mister, I don't care what color the damn gables are at this farmhouse you keep babbling about. My ticket was for San Francisco, and if you don't give me a new boarding pass in the next five minutes, I'm going to hang myself by the neck from that cherry tree over there, all silvery in the moonlight. It'd be real bad for business, to have a young lady hanging from a cherry tree, all silvery in the moonlight, don't you think?"

“Mister, I don’t care what color the damn gables are at this farmhouse you keep babbling about. My e-ticket was for San Francisco, and if you don’t give me a new boarding pass in the next five minutes, I’m going to hang myself by the neck from that cherry tree over there, all silvery in the moonlight. It’d be real bad for business, to have an orphan hanging from a cherry tree, all silvery in the moonlight, don’t you think?”


____

Jonathan Kieran’s (as-yet-untitled) new novel, an epic supernatural thriller, is now finished and slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Even the aristocratic are tortured …

"It would be ever so easy to ring for it and simply solve the conundrum once and for all. Indecision is the domain of cowards and fools, of which I am neither. Carson favors me--he always has--and would go out of his way to see that any potential crisis might be averted in my regard. No one would have to know that I have access to an endless supply, a wealth of the alluring stuff at my very fingertips. It could be our little secret, Carson's and mine. He would never give me away. Betrayal is an impulse foreign to the spiritual fabric of such a steadfast soul, to the unshakeable constitutions of all truly redoubtable men. With such assurance having been vouchsafed against the howling tempest of my uncertainty, I can scarcely believe I even agonize over the matter. Indeed, I am the one who wields the most daunting and formidable power in this house. Even the most shocking transgressions are mine to explore, freely and without fear of reprisal. The only remaining question centers upon whether I 'feel like a nut' or whether this might be categorized as one of those times in which I don't. Oh, God, the answer I have been seeking with all the ardor of my intellect has become abundantly clear at last. It's Almond Joy or nothing."

“It would be ever so easy to ring for it and simply solve the conundrum once and for all. Indecision is the domain of cowards and fools, of which I am neither. Carson favors me–he always has–and would go out of his way to see that any potential crisis might be averted in my regard. No one would have to know that I have access to an endless supply, a wealth of the alluring stuff at my very fingertips. It could be our little secret, Carson’s and mine. He would never give me away. Betrayal is an impulse foreign to the spiritual fabric of such a steadfast soul, to the unshakeable constitutions of all genuinely redoubtable men–if we are being truthful with ourselves. Such assurance having thus been vouchsafed against the howling tempest of my uncertainty, I can scarcely believe I agonize over the matter, even for the briefest instant. Verily, I am the one who wields the most daunting and formidable power in this house. The most shocking transgressions are mine to explore, freely and without fear of reprisal or judgment. The only remaining question centers upon whether I ‘feel like a nut’ or whether this might indeed be categorized as one of those times in which I don’t. Oh, God, the answer I have been seeking with all the ardor of my intellect has become abundantly clear at last–an unmistakable epiphany is mine. It’s Almond Joy or nothing!”


________
Jonathan Kieran’s (as-yet-untitled) new novel, an epic supernatural thriller, is now finished and slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Hey, I’m all for the new atheist megachurches. Double latte, please. #trends

"Have you heard about those new atheist megachurches popping-up everywhere, Dennis?" "Yes, but Starbucks is hardly anything 'new,' Edith. I really ought to let you out more."

“Have you heard about those new atheist megachurches popping-up everywhere, Dennis?”
“Yes, but Starbucks is hardly anything ‘new,’ Edith. I really ought to let you out more.”


________

Jonathan Kieran’s (as-yet-untitled) new novel, an epic supernatural thriller, is now finished and slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads