Wilma Widdershins …

"For crying out loud,, it was your turn to bring the potato chips."

“For crying out loud, Wilma, you were in charge of potato chips. Tracy brings the infant on Pot-Luck Tuesdays. You know that!”


___
Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Fall 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Say it with #Affectation!

"Listen, everyone! A recent study reveals that seven out of ten American consumers are more likely to purchase a product sold by someone with a British accent. Polls also indicate that most Americans believe a person with a British accent is far superior and more refined than a person who talks ugly."

“Listen, everyone! A recent study reveals that seven out of ten self-loathing Americans are more likely to purchase a product sold by someone with a British accent. Polls also indicate that most Americans consider even a fake British accent to be more refined than the speech of someone who, quote, ‘talks ugly.'”

"My word, Helen! Are American really so foolish as to believe that the appropriation of a fake British accent automatically lends a person some sort of dignity and gravitas that is otherwise utterly lacking?"

“Rubbish, Helen. That can’t possibly be true. What sort of brainless, vulgar American would really be so superficial as to believe a fake British accent automatically lends some sort of dignity or gravitas that is otherwise utterly lacking?”


"Bubble and squeak! Toad-in-the-whole! Buggery bollocks! Chance would be a fine thing! Spotted dick! Bangers and mash! What a load of cobblers! Pip-pip, cheerio! Wot wot wot! Who wants to go to the loo? Riki Tiki Tavi!"

“Bubble and squeak! Toad-in-the-whole! Buggery bollocks! Chance would be a fine thing! Spotted dick! Bangers and mash! What a load of cobblers! Pip-pip, cheerio! Wot wot wot! I have to go to the loo! Er … Riki Tiki Tavi?”


___

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Fall 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Food-Chat w/ Barb & Paula …

"Life hasn't always been so glamorous for me, darling. Before marrying a Park Avenue proctologist, a girl from my part of town had to be frugal. Lucky for me I learned thrift at my mother's hooves."

“Life hasn’t always been so glamorous for me, Paula. Sure, things get easier when you marry a suave Park Avenue proctologist, but in the old days a girl from my part of town had to be frugal. Lucky for me I learned thrift at Mother’s hooves!”

"What was your mama's most valuable piece of advice, Barb?"

“And what was your sweet mama’s most valuable piece of advice, Barb?”

"Parents must set a good example and always clean their plate in front of the children ... even if one of the children happens to be on the plate."

“A parent must set a good example and always clean her plate in front of the children … even if one of the children happens to be on the plate.”

"Wonderful, Barb! Now that's what they call real 'home-cookin,' ain't it?"

“Now that’s what I call real ‘home-cookin’!”


___

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Fall 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Lunch-Hour w/ Bob & Sheila … #endisnear

"Bob, my girlfriends and I were talking the other night about the way American society is crumbling at before our very eyes. The culture has become nothing but a rancid river of festering sewage flooding the banks of an already warped paradigm. The zeitgeist is about to burst from its diseased outer-skin and infect all of us with the cataclysmic funk of terminal shadenfreude."

“So Bob, my girlfriends and I were talking the other night about the way American society is crumbling before our eyes. The culture has become nothing but a rancid river of festering sewage flooding the banks of an already warped paradigm. The zeitgeist is about to burst from its diseased outer-skin and infect us all with the cataclysmic funk of terminal shadenfreude.”

"Wow, Sheila, I didn't realize you girls pondered such moral conundrums over Pinot Grigio. I thought heavy topics bored you. I'm impressed."

“Wow, Sheila, I didn’t know you girls pondered such meaty moral conundrums over Pinot Grigio and Chex-Mix. Heavy topics usually bore you. I’m impressed.”

"Thanks, Bob. You'd be surprised to know how invasively the girls and I probe the existential ramifications of widespread sociological degradation. We are likewise determined to do something tangible to stem the fetid tide of vulgarity and callous indifference that surrounds us all like a billowing doom-shroud."

“Thanks, Bob. You’d be surprised to know how invasively the girls and I probe the existential ramifications of widespread sociological degradation. We are likewise determined to do something tangible to stem the fetid tide of vulgarity and callous indifference that surrounds us like a billowing doom-shroud. We want to make a difference!”

"The soup-kitchen downtown is desperate for dinner-hour volunteers every Friday night from six to nine."

“Well, the soup-kitchen downtown is desperate for volunteers every Friday night from six to nine.”

"And miss an episode of the Kardashians? What kind of crazy goddamned idea is that?"

“And miss an episode of the Kardashians? What kind of crazy goddamned idea is that?”


______

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Fall 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

The Dowager believes in your talent and so do I. #fame

"Daisy, you daft little baggage! What's this I hear about you wanting to become an author? Nobody on God's green earth is ever going to pay for the crazy thoughts that come out of your addled brain. Isn't that right, Miss O'Brien?"

“Daisy, you daft little baggage! What’s this I hear about you wanting to become a novelist? Nobody on God’s green earth is ever going to pay for the foolishness that comes out of your emaciated brain. Isn’t that right, Miss O’Brien?”

"I'd rather read the scribblings of a farmhouse chicken than be subjected to Daisy's scatterbrained tales. What's with all these bloody people thinking they're all bloody talented, these days? Not everybody can be good at something just because a buggery notion flits through their head. It's ridiculous."

“Right as rain. I’d rather read the scribblings of a diseased farmhouse chicken than be subjected to Daisy’s scatterbrained tales. What’s with all these bloody people thinking they’re talented, these days? Not everybody can be good at something just because a buggery notion flits through their head. It’s ridiculous.”

"You lower classes really are quite harsh with each other, O'Brien. It's most unseemly. Why everyone has a marketable talent that could take them straight to the top. Even me!"

“You lower classes really are quite harsh with each other, O’Brien. It’s most unseemly. Why, everyone has a marketable talent that could take them straight to the top. Even me! Let me take off my hat and show you …”

"See?"

“… See?”

"That's rather impressive, Your Ladyship."

“That’s rather impressive, Your Ladyship.”

"Yes, I know. I first showed Lord Grantham this little trick on our wedding night and it was separate bedrooms ever since. If that isn't artistry, I don't know what is!"

“Yes, I know. I first showed Lord Grantham this little trick on our wedding night and it was separate bedrooms for us ever after! If that isn’t artistry, I don’t know what is.”

"But that's not real talent, Granny. You only took your teeth out and pulled your wrinkly lower-lip over your nostrils, again."

“But that’s not real talent, is it Granny? You only took your teeth out again and pulled your wrinkly old lower-lip over your nostrils.”

"I call that a rude remark, coming from a girl whose deformed feet ruined every pair of ballet slippers ever purchased for her. You can't even grow toenails properly, Edit."

“I call that a rude remark, coming from a girl whose deformed feet ruined every pair of ballet slippers ever purchased for her. Forget about finding a skill in life, Edith. You can’t even grow toenails properly.”

"You swore never to bring up the subject of my unsightly bunions again, Granny. Go ahead and laugh at me, all of you! Daisy will write her stupid novel and I'll go through life as a hideous outcast with no more talent than a lowly kitchen maid."

“You swore never again to bring up the subject of these unsightly clubs I’m cursed to stumble around upon, Granny. Go ahead and laugh at me, all of you! Daisy will write her stupid novel and I’ll go through life as a hideous outcast with no more talent than a lowly kitchen maid. Is that what you want?”

"What is all the bloody fuss in here? I'm upstairs trying to seduce the telephone man, thank you very much."

“What is all the bloody fuss in here? I’m upstairs trying to seduce the telephone man, thank you very much.”

"It's Daisy who started it, Lady Mary. She thinks she's talented enough to write a novel and it's caused your Granny to do disturbing things with her skin."

“It’s Daisy who started it, Lady Mary. She thinks she’s talented enough to write a novel and it’s caused your Granny to do disturbing things with her skin.”

"Well, of course Daisy is talented enough to write a novel. Every human being on this earth is gifted, and those that aren't can always leak a totally private tape of themselves writhing beneath the urinary blast of a hip-hop minstrel!"

“Well, of course Daisy is talented enough to write a novel. Every human being on this earth is gifted, and those that aren’t can always leak a totally private tape of themselves writhing beneath the urinary blast of a hip-hop minstrel!”

"Good heavens. Now there's a skill they didn't teach us at charm school."

“Good heavens. Now there’s a skill they didn’t teach us at charm school.”

"The point is, Granny, if Daisy starts 'writing' and discovers that she has the cognitive ability of a Rhesus monkey on crack, there's always a back-up plan in her quest for fame. We simply must look to the Americans for creative inspiration in these competitive times."

“The point is, Granny, if Daisy starts ‘writing’ and discovers that she has the cognitive ability of a Rhesus Monkey on crack, there’s always a respectable back-up plan in her quest for fame. We simply must look to the Americans for creative inspiration in these competitive times.”

"Mrs. Patmore, if it's all the same to you, I think I'll stick with suet and kidney pies. Fame sounds a bit too wet for my taste."

“Mrs. Patmore, if it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll stick with suet and kidney pies. Fame sounds a bit wet for my taste.”

As for me,  I wonder where I might find one of these hippity-hoppity fellows? It sounds a rather golden opportunity ...

As for me, I wonder where I might find one of these hippity-hoppity fellows? It sounds a rather golden opportunity …

"I know what you're thinking, Edith, and you might as well forget it. You haven't any talent for that, either."

“I know what you’re thinking, Edith, and you might as well forget it. You haven’t got any talent for that, either.”

"Buuhaagh! [sniff. sniff.] "Not even good enough to be peed-on by an American, like the pretty girls are!"[Buhhaaghh!]"

“Buuhaagh! [sniff. sniff.] “Not even good enough to be peed-on by an American, like the pretty girls …”[Buhhaaghh!]”

"Knock, knock, Mrs. Hughes? I've been listening to the ladies chat in the drawing-room and have a little proposition for you ..."

“Knock, knock. Mrs. Hughes? I say, I’ve just been listening to the ladies chat in the upstairs drawing-room and I think I have a tantalizing little proposition for you. Are you free?”


__

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Fall 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

We All Have Smooth, Buttery #Delusions …

I've seen a lot of folks come in and out of rehab trying to shake some hard-core monkeys off their backs, but I never experienced true horror until I saw what butter can do to the average human being.

“In my career I’ve seen a lot of folks come in and out of rehab trying to shake some hard-core monkeys off their backs, but I never experienced true horror until I saw what butter can do to the average human being.”

"Nurse Peggy, how can you say such a thing about somethin' as harmless as a stick of sweet butter? I been using it my whole life and I ain't turned-out so bad!"

“Nurse Peggy, how can you say such nasty things about somethin’ as harmless as a stick of sweet creamy butter? I been using it my whole life and I ain’t turned-out so bad!”

"Get back to your room, doll, or I'm gonna have to turn the hose on you again."

“Get back to your room, doll, or we’re gonna have to turn the hose on you again.”

"But no one should be ashamed of butter-love, Peg! Bible-worshipping, God-fearin' American families have been raised on the stuff ..."

“But no one should be ashamed of butter-love, Peg! Bible-worshipping, God-fearin’ American families have been raised on the stuff …”

"Why, look at this picture of my sister and her family. They eat butter ten times a day and there ain't nothing wrong with them! Look at the expression of tranquility in the eyes of her boys!"

“Why, look at this picture of my sister and her family. They eat butter ten times a day and there ain’t nothing wrong with them! Look at the expression of tranquility in the eyes of her boys!”

"Look at my own beautiful sons, Jamie and Bobby! Do you think they got such a healthy glow and fine bone-structure from SmartBeat? Hell no!"

“Look at my own beautiful sons, Jamie and Bobby! Do you think they got that healthy glow from SmartBeat? Hell no!”

"I warned you, Paula. You are hear to recover from your buttery delusions, not to perpetuate them. Boys, get on in here and take her back to solitary until she's lucid."

“I warned you, Paula. You are here to recover from your buttery delusions, not to perpetuate them. Boys, get on in here and take her back to solitary until she’s lucid.”

"Come quietly, Ms. Deen. We don't want to hurt you, but it would be a lot of fun if we could get away with it."

“Come quietly, Ms. Deen. We don’t want to hurt you, but it would be a lot of fun if we could get away with it.”

"[sniff` sniff`] How am I ever gonna have that Old Plantation Party if I'm kept in solitary?"

“[sniff` sniff`] How am I ever gonna have that Plantation Party if I’m kept in solitary?!”

"You could always try to escape by greasing the padlock."

“You could always try to escape by greasing the padlock.”

"With WHAT?"

“With WHAT?”

"Why don't you use a little B U T T E R ..."

“Why don’t you use a little B U T T E R …”

" !!!! "

” !!!! “


_____

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

“Drunk Cooking” at its FINEST. #cuisine

Finishing two novels in just over an eight-month span is an exercise in potentially disastrous flirtation … unless one happens to be a genius. (ahem.) I’m not concerned with anyone else’s process or peculiarities when it comes to creative discipline, but I do know a few objective things about crafting a proper book.

I'll melt your butter for you.

I’ll melt your butter for you.

First, only a ridiculous person would believe that quality in any long-format work can be achieved at the expense of time and a fair amount of tedium. If you’re going to attempt to circumvent the most fundamental aspects of artistic quantum physics while gunning for a masterpiece, then I suggest you hunt down the most reputable voodoo sorceress within a 500-mile radius and avail yourself of her supernatural powers. You’re going to need them, in order to cheat your way to genuine greatness and sneak past the capricious Gods of Literature, who are ever vigilant and who love nothing better than to punish unrepentant hacks for an eternity in the subterranean cesspits of Hades. [NOTE: The cesspits themselves are not considered punitive. Rather, the doomed and damned “author” will be forced to read his or her own work … forever. Basically, one ends-up steeped in sewage, no matter how you view the eschatological ramifications. Be ye Forewarned.]

Second, there is no more fulfilling way to take a day off from literary machinations and manipulations than by cooking a fabulous meal and stuffing one’s self (along with a friend) to the point of button-bursting, zipper-zapping discomfort. In this case, the accomplishment of painstaking culinary craftsmanship always justifies the resulting gluttony, not to mention the initial reluctance to spend a whole afternoon tapping-out storylines involving make-believe characters who will never, ever be able to taste a damn thing.

This weekend afforded me a superb opportunity to engage in such wanton gastronomic adventure, and the atmospheric conditions could not have been more conducive to fussing in the kitchen and making a big, delicious mess. Indeed, we in the parched wasteland of Northern California were favored at last with the year’s first relentless rainstorm. It was cold. It was gloomy. There was wine in the house. The downpour stirred feelings of rebellion and awakened my inner-libertine from its shadowy hibernation. I felt like cooking, like living on the edge.

The meal I threw together (at a racing escargot-cart pace, I assure you) turned out to be rather inspired, if I do say so myself. I had no guarantee that the individual components of the repast would add-up to an ultimately harmonious and satisfying taste-experience on the whole, but I did have a hunch that the flavors might bounce admirably off of each other. Therefore I took a chance and am pleased to report that, in the end, I was not disappointed. I don’t typically post recipes or anecdotes on this blog, but when something comes together as nicely as did my little soiree, I figure it’s worth sharing. If you feel like whipping-up a sumptuous feast of your own to get away from the humdrum and monotony of whatever might be monopolizing your existence–be your burden artful or pedestrian–then I am only too happy to proffer the following suggestions. By the way, I am not going to delineate the recipe with anything approaching Martha Stewart-ish or Ina Gartenesque meticulousness, so bear with me. I’m sure you can figure it out on a purely intuitive level, and if you can’t, treat yourself to a pizza or buy a bottle of tequila and a bag of limes. You won’t care whether or not you’ve spent the day profitably, and sometimes that is all that really matters: Not caring. Otherwise, this is what you’ll need in order to make …

I look blurry because you've been drinking too much.

I look blurry because you’ve been drinking too much.

Grilled Salmon & Prawns in a Lemon & White Wine Seafood Crème Sauce W/ Garlic Mashed Potatoes and Kale & Pancetta Salad (For two)

2 Pacific Salmon filets (Buy it as fresh as possible from your local fishmonger. You’re making something a bit elaborate here–seeing as a nifty sauce is featured–so save the frozen filets for less involved culinary exploits, wherein frozen filets are always more than adequate. My grocer also had a salmon-belly on ice, so I snapped that up, too. The belly is delicious and easy to cook–just be sure to monitor its progress if you grill or sauté it alongside the thicker filets.)

8 Large Prawns (I bought large Mexican prawns, which are quite flavorful and currently “in season” in NorCal.)

2 Large Idaho or 4-5 Medium-sized Yukon Gold Potatoes

1 Bunch Kale (Get it fresh and organic, if you can swing it.)

2 Large Shallots

8-9 Cloves of Garlic

2 Lemons

2-3 Slices Pancetta Bacon

2-3 Bottles Dry White Wine (Only one-quarter of one bottle of which is actually for cooking. I brought home some spectacular 2012 Sauvignon Blanc from Dawn’s Dream Winery, Monterey County.)

1 Pint Heavy Cream

1 Pint Sour Cream

2 Medium-sized Granny Smith Apples (Peeled and cored.)

Bag of Pecans or Slivered Almonds (I used almonds.)

White Wine Vinegar

Vermont Maple Syrup

1 Pint Raspberries

Chicken Stock (at least 16-oz.)

Canola Oil (The previous four ingredients are for the Raspberry Vinaigrette that accompanies the salad, but you can save yourself a lot of bother by simply buying a respectable bottle of dressing at the market. There’ll be more money for wine.)

One 8-oz. stick of Paula Dean’s Congealed Sweat (AKA butter)

Herbes de Provence (Non-negotiable. Really. I mean it. If you are especially lucky a Magical Empress will send you Druid Salt, as well, but you won’t be so lucky, so forget about that.)

Okay, the first thing I did was prepare the prawn-stock that was intended to form a base for my white wine crème-sauce, and this required only the cleaning of the 8 Mexican prawns. It was great to get it out of the way — I set the prawns aside in a salt, pepper, Extra Virgin Olive Oil & Herbes de Provence marinade, and put the prawn shells, tails, and legs into a little saucepan with about a cup and a half – two cups of fresh water. Place the saucepan over medium-high heat and let it reduce by at least 3/4 for 20-25 minutes. Be sure to have the exhaust-fan on or else your living room will start to attract stray cats. When the prawn liquid has reduced sufficiently, put it through a reasonably fine strainer (or some old mosquito netting you brought back from that Kenyan safari) and set the amber liquid aside at room-temp for use in the sauce later on.

Next, I peeled and boiled the potatoes. These take the longest and they are annoying to make so it’s best to get those out of the way once everything else starts coming together, and once you get ready to make the sauce for this meal, things come together relatively quickly.

Wash the kale thoroughly and chop coarsely. Many people like to eat their kale raw in a salad, but I prefer mine lightly braised in a bit of olive oil. Whatever your preference, get your kale ready and set it aside in a mixing bowl.

I used the same sauté-pan used to braise the kale for the pancetta bacon. Mince one of the large shallots and cut the pancetta into thin strips and then cross-cut the strips into pieces. Sauté the shallot first in the pan until soft and translucent (don’t let it burn or get too brown) and then add the pancetta. Saute until flavors are blended and bacon is relatively crisp, but still moist and al dente. Set pancetta and shallot aside, separate from the braised kale. Peel, core and cut into matchstick-sized slices the two Granny Smith apples. Set those aside as well but be sure to toss them in a fair amount of raw lemon juice to keep them from turning brown.

Start working on the sauce while your salmon filets/prawns are marinating in crushed garlic, salt, pepper, and EV Olive Oil.

Over medium high heat, sauté 5-oz. of butter, 5 cloves of crushed or minced garlic, and one whole shallot (chopped or minced). Make sure the butter does not brown, and that the garlic and shallot remain translucent and supple. Stir fairly frequently. If you’re drunk by this time, it might be a good idea to turn the heat down to medium, just to be on the safe side. Yeah. Turn it down.

The salmon and prawns are going to require only eight minutes to prepare (with the prawns going on the grill for only three minutes, tops) so gauge the progress of your sauce accordingly. Meanwhile, your potatoes should be boiled, so drain them, strain them, and then mash them in a stainless steel bowl along with 4-oz of butter, 4 tablespoons of sour cream, and a half-cup of chicken-stock that has been heated to at least room-temperature. When smooth, creamy, and perfect, put a tight-fitting cover or a piece of aluminum foil over the stainless steel bowl of ‘taters and set them aside on a heated surface of some sort. I used my wood stove in this instance, but any warm surface will do. If you time things correctly the mashed potatoes will easily retain their heat until dinner is served.

With the temperature just above medium, add the prawn stock, the juice of one lemon, and the white wine to your sauté-pan and let the mixture reduce by half–no more and no less. This will take about 10-15 minutes, depending upon how sauced you are. Right about the time you stumble out to grill the salmon and the prawns, add a quarter-cup of heavy cream to the sauce, as long as the liquid has reduced by half. Turn the heat down to low and stir constantly (or as often as you can get away from monitoring the grilling seafood). Add a few pinches of corn-starch or flour to the wine sauce to form a roux, if you wish, but you really don’t have to do so–the sauce should end-up with enough body to cling admirably to the salmon and, ideally, it is not meant to be gravy-like in consistency. You want to be able to see the nice grilled salmon and prawns on your plate.

Toss the kale with the apples, the pancetta & shallot mixture, and almond slivers (or pecans) with a raspberry vinaigrette, or homemade vinaigrette made with Vermont maple syrup, canola oil, and white wine vinegar. Do NOT use balsamic vinegar. You want a sweet dressing to offset the tartness of the apples and the earthiness of the braised kale.

When finished, bring it all together on a plate, like the one below, tear yourself away from the rat-race, light a couple of candles, pour MORE wine, and savor this delectable goodness I have bestowed upon you by virtue of my incomparably versatile talent and enviable instinct. Oh, yeah: make sure a comfortable chair is prepared before a single bite is consumed, preferably within crawling distance. Enjoy. Eat your little hearts out and thank me later, if you want. Get back to your “world-building” tomorrow.

I can't believe you made it this far. Go ahead, until you're snoring on the tabletop next to an overturned glass of Sauvignon Blanc.

I can’t believe you made it this far. Go ahead, eat until you’re snoring on the tabletop next to an overturned glass of Sauvignon Blanc.

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Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
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