Only in a Hair Salon in California … #humor

March 28, 2014 / Jonathan Kieran / Leave a comment

“Oh, my gosh, look over there! It’s Melanie. Did you know she threw her 17 year-old son, Jeffrey, out of the house last week after she discovered his ‘little secret?'”

"That's terrible! That Melanie's such a judgmental witch. Poor Jeffrey. I would never have guessed that kid was gay."

“That’s terrible! Melanie’s always been such a judgmental bitch. Poor Jeffrey! I would never have guessed that kid was gay.”

“Who said anything about being gay? Jeffrey told her he was a Republican.”

"Oh. Well. Sometimes tough love is the only answer. I'll bring her a Bundt cake tomorrow."

“Oh. Well. Ahem. Sometimes tough love is the only answer. I’ll bring Mellie a Bundt cake tomorrow. We’ll have a good cry.”

___
Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the book here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
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Oh, Sheila gonna write a novel like everybody else. #LunchHour

March 27, 2014March 27, 2014 / Jonathan Kieran / Leave a comment

"Can you believe this, Bob? Quinoa & pomegranate salad again for lunch in this stupid cafeteria. I tell ya, these new budget cuts are working my last nerve. I used to look forward to a hot, wholesome meal to break up my dreary-ass day in Accounting."

“Can you believe it, Bob? Quinoa & pomegranate salad again for lunch in this stupid cafeteria. I tell ya, these new budget-cuts are working my last nerve. I used to look forward to a hot, wholesome meal to break up my dreary-ass day in Accounting.”

"I hear you, Sheila. I used to look forward to work when they'd serve those corn-breaded human toe things? Remember? The ones in Béarnaise sauce, where the cartilage would kinda melt through the breading and blend with the butter to achieve this whole intriguing fusion effect on the palette?"

“I hear you, Sheila. I used to enjoy coming to work when they’d serve those corn-breaded human toe things? Remember? The nubbly ones in Béarnaise sauce, that bobbed and floated when the pan got real hot, where the cartilage would just kinda melt through the breading a little bit and blend with the butter to achieve this whole intriguing ‘fusion effect’ on the palette?”

"I know, right? Those were choice! I know a girl in Food & Beverage and she says they used to import those toes. They came from suburban Ontario housewives captured exclusively in Spring and force-fed a steady diet of lentils through the summer."

“I know, right? That menu was choice! I know a girl in Food & Beverage and she says they used to import those toes from suburban Ontario housewives captured exclusively in Spring and given a steady diet of lentils through the summer months.”

"Total loss. Nothing provides that satisfying crunch like Canadian appendages. But I heard there were complaints from some of the limousine liberals in corporate. You know -- issues with the whole caging thing."

“Total loss. Nothing provides that satisfying crunch like appendages taken from Canadian women immobilized and force-fed legumes through a six-inch funnel. But I heard there were complaints from some of the limousine liberals over in corporate. You know — issues with the whole ‘caging’ thing.”

"They can cry me a freakin' river! As if cages are 'cruel.' Those women don't want to move around much anyway. How do people think they go so damned big in the first place? Anyhow, it's not the bleeding hearts. It's the budget-cuts and overseas outsourcing that have occasioned all of this tasteless austerity. Frankly, Bob, I've been thinking of pursuing another line of work."

“They can cry me a freakin’ river! As if cages are cruel. Those women don’t want to move around much anyway. How do people think they got so damned big in the first place? Anyhow, it’s not the bleeding hearts. It’s the budget-cuts and overseas outsourcing that have occasioned all this tasteless austerity. Frankly, Bob, I’ve been thinking of pursuing another line of work. I’m seriously contemplating a career as a novelist.”

“Wow, Sheila, I’m stunned. I had no idea that you were a writer.”

"I'm not, but what the hell does that have to do with anything?"

“Well, I’m not. I can barely spell my own name and the last thing I ever wrote was a poem to my cat in macaroni-art in the first grade, but what the hell does that have to do with anything?”

“Sorry, Sheila. I mean, I know absolutely nothing about that industry, but I always assumed that a certain amount of working experience and innate talent was involved with that sort of process, not to mention a respectable level of editorial integrity and perhaps even a soupcon of humility — the kind that might be prudent before daring to proffer a long-form work of literature for public consumption.”

"Oh. So what's your novel about and when is coming out?"

“Oh, I see. So … what’s your novel about and when is it coming out?”

"I don't know, yet, but there's a new service that's lets you enter keyword themes like 'masochism,' 'buoyant,' 'dystopian,' and 'swans,' and then it writes everything according to those crucial choices. It's a maximization of the deep creative abilities I cannot necessarily harness. But the novel will be on Amazon by December, for sure."

“I don’t know, yet, but there’s a new service that lets you enter keyword themes like ‘masochism,’ ‘buoyant,’ ‘dystopian,’ and ‘swans,’ and then it writes everything according to those crucial choices. You see, it’s a maximization of the deep creative abilities I cannot necessarily harness. But the novel itself will be on Amazon by December, for sure.”

"Cool. But you need to write a damn cookbook for this commissary, if you ask me. I just got a piece of quinoa stuck up above the gumline and somebody needs to put a stop to this shit."

“Hmmpf. You need to write a damn cookbook for this commissary, if you ask me. I just got a piece of quinoa stuck up above the gumline and somebody needs to put a stop to this shit.”

“Oh, don’t worry, Bob. I have a whole series planned. Cookbooks, fitness, romance, YA — the works! I’ll be picking my teeth with toenails culled from my very own stable of Halifax housewives by this time next year. Bet on it. Talent is the future of everything.”

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the book here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Blame Twitter when your kids call you an old drunk. #trends

March 12, 2014March 12, 2014 / Jonathan Kieran / Leave a comment

“Now where’d I put that grilled cheese?”

For fellow professional “Tweeters” who languish in realms reserved for those not nearly as famous and gifted as the demure Kardashians, participation in the chaos of Twitter can sometimes seem like an exercise in abject futility. Sure, it’s easy to trade a “Follow” for a “Follow” and confect the illusion of skyrocketing Worldwide Cyber-Popularity, but when someone boasts 100,000 followers simply because they engaged in the tedious trial-and-error strategy of following hordes of strangers and then waiting for them to “follow back,” no one is really fooling anyone these days. And “good luck” when it comes to discovering comprehensive and meaningful Twitter content to share (or RT) when your homepage is filled with a previous day’s worth of 100,000 streaming, screaming tweets tweeted by tweeters as preoccupied with quantity-over-quality as you are. A humongous cache of Twitter followers gained in this manner has its place as some sort of vaguely impressive statistical calling-card, certainly, but as everyone else catches-on to the trick, the chances of disseminating valuable information that has a chance to be noticed and appreciated grows ever more unlikely and the reason to even bother doing it grows ever more pointless. Little wonder that industry observers are highlighting this practice as one of the chief liabilities in Twitter’s recent, highly publicized mudslide toward the Cesspit of Irrelevance.

Regarding the social network’s ultimate fate, the jury is still out and huddled in feverish deliberations, in my opinion. There are still great things to discover and great connections to be made on Twitter. I do, however, agree that the only thing we’re proving via the exponentially relentless “Follow for a Follow” approach is that our thumbs are exceedingly industrious, or that we’re staying up way past bedtime in some claustrophobic home-office nook, a half-eaten grilled cheese draped, soggy and forlorn, across a plate beside us, with a wine glass as empty as the bottle that filled it four times in the past hour alone. We are wrapped in our blankets, shivering slightly, with the light of a computer screen casting its ghoulish green glow around our mesmerized faces until we look like something a wayward passel of Shakespearean rogues might discover in a misty midnight bog, perched over a cauldron and eager to cackle an arcane, eldritch prophecy that’ll make no sense to anyone (at least not until the end of the play). We, however, are not waiting in the dark for wanderers eager to hear us say our sooth. Oh no. We’re slogging through the list of 3,759 people we followed on Twitter earlier that day and are now doing the abominable drudge-work of “unfollowing” those who had the temerity not to return the favor.

Tomorrow, the ophthalmologist will have more than a few choice words about those knock-off Luis Vuitton handbags (each with its own matching fanny-pack!) dangling underneath our eyes like the swollen overflow from a storage bin that even the most wiry and resourceful of veteran airline stewardesses could not manage to secure on her very best day. Yep. And the doc will really rip us a new one when it comes to the state of our failing vision. We’ll deserve every last bit of that tongue-lashing, but with a proud jut of the chin and a haughty shake of the vibrating, coffee-addled skull, we’ll each look at the ophthalmologist with those red, swollen eyeballs and say:

“But I’ve got 65,000 Twitter followers, Doctor, and you only have twenty-two. Ha! I know that because I followed you yesterday and waited for you to follow me back, but you didn’t, even though I could plainly see that you tweeted something between the time I followed you and the time I checked for your follow-back, so of course I had to unfollow you, and you were one of the last people I followed that day, anyway, so if you want to blame someone for my deplorable eyesight, blame yourself for not following me when you first had the opportunity, because every time someone doesn’t follow me back I have to stay up late to make a couple of extra maneuvers to ascertain why they didn’t follow me initially and then make a decision between continuing to follow them in hopes that they will return the follow or else unfollow them completely, and I have to do it in the dark or else I’ll wake-up the kids and I don’t want them to come out of their bedrooms and catch me drinking that much wine. So it’s your fault I can’t see anything anymore. Follow what I’m saying?”

Yeah, yeah. Go ahead and pay your doctor’s bill with an air of smug triumph (you earned it!) and be sure to make a quick stop at BevMo on the way home, but get the big box of wine instead of a puny little bottle this time. Boxes never tell embarrassing tales of overindulgent emptiness. A box of wine will always look “FULL” … at least until somebody has to kick one out the door in their bedroom slippers toward the overstuffed recycle bin. Then the jig will be up, sure, but you have plenty of time until then. Maybe even a couple of hours. Remember: you’ve got a long night ahead of you — a night of building Worldwide Cyber-Popularity. And building illusions makes a body thirsty.

See you round the #hashtag cooler!
___

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the book here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Desperate times call for desperate pleasures. #marketing

March 10, 2014March 10, 2014 / Jonathan Kieran / Leave a comment

"A woman knocked on my door at 7AM the other day, waved a Bible around for a minute and basically told me that if my brain-thoughts were not identical to her bran-thoughts, I would spend eternity being burned alive."

“A woman knocked on my door at 7AM this morning, waved a big book around, and basically told me that if my brain-thoughts were not identical to her brain-thoughts, I was gonna spend eternity being burned alive!”

"I bought a few things from her but, I tell ya ... those folks at Avon are getting a little pushy these days."

“Well, I bought a few things from her but I gotta tell ya … those broads at Avon are getting a little pushy these days.”

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the book here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Toho Squab w/ The Barefoot Contessa! #FoodNetwork #satire

March 8, 2014March 8, 2014 / Jonathan Kieran / Leave a comment

"Cooking with quail or Cornish game hens for the first time can be intimidating for a lot of people, but it doesn't have to be. The key is to select top-quality birds from your local butcher."

“Cooking with quail or Cornish game hens for the first time can be intimidating for a lot of people, but it doesn’t have to be. The secret is to select top-quality birds from your local butcher.”

"Usually I'll go for local free-range birds, but for this meal I wanted something a little more exotic. Luckily, my butcher had just received a pair of rare squabs caught in the South Pacific. These are real delicacies and he even caged them up for me at the store. Have a look!"

“Usually I settle for local free-range birds, but for this meal I wanted something a little more exotic. Luckily, my butcher had just received a pair of rare squabs caught in the South Pacific. These are real delicacies and he even caged them up for me at the store. Have a look!”

“Please! We’re not meant to be eaten! We’re fairy princesses from Infant Island. Some nearsighted poacher from Tokyo bagged us by mistake while we were skinny-dipping in a coconut shell. There’s been a terrible mix-up. PLEASE set us free!”

"As you can tell from the incessant sounds of chirping and whining, this is one of the more irritating species of Asian quail. Don't let that dissuade you from a great recipe because the kitchen will be marvelously quiet once you throttle their little necks or toss them into a pot of boiling water with a happy little dash of Corsican sea-salt."

“As you can tell from the incessant sounds of chirping and whining, this is clearly one of the more irritating species of Asian quail. But don’t let that dissuade you from a great recipe. The kitchen will be marvelously quiet once you snap their little necks or toss them into a pot of boiling water with a dash of Corsican sea-salt!”

“Be warned, O plump but winsomely jolly American bird-eater! If anything should happen to us, the wrath of our mighty island god shall be swift upon your head! Do not threaten our necks, but fear for the neck you seek to conceal with the upturned collar of that insipid blue smock!”

"The best part of cooking exotic Asian quail is that you can get a little drunk on plum wine, which is later used to deglaze the pan." [`hiccup`]

“Okay, between us girls and gays, the best part of cooking exotic Asian quail is that you can get a little drunk on plum wine, which is later used to deglaze the pan!”[`hiccup`]

"She's too tossed! Our spells won't work on her. Quick--call Mothra before it's too late!"

“She’s too tossed! Our spells won’t work on her. Quick … use our holy incantation to call Mothra before it’s too late!”

"Before you grab your tasty little birds, it's a good idea to prep your favorite side-dish. I serving corn for tonight's guests!"

“Before you throttle or fricassee your tasty little birds alive, it’s a good idea to prep your favorite side-dish. I’m serving organic corn with tonight’s main course!”

“Mosu-RAH, Ya! Mosu-RAH! Come and save us from this tubby indo-moo. Wakka wakka HUNG! Koko Ping-Pong mahjong. Ramen noodles and dung. Miley Cyrus!”

“When the time comes to cook, don’t be afraid to just reach into that cage and grab your supper!”

“WAIT! NO! Don’t touch us! We haven’t finished our song! We’ve got fleas! We swear! Omigosh, that manicure is hideous!”

“See how easy that was? I didn’t feel like hovering over a sauté pan today so I just dunked them, feathers and all, in a deep fryer. In just five minutes flat …”

"... look at the golden brown goodness you'll be able to enjoy with your significant other. My husband Jeffrey will be so thrilled when I let him out of the cellar to get a whiff of THIS! Oh ... wait ... my phone's ringing ..."

“… look at the crispy, golden brown goodness you’ll be able to enjoy with your significant other. My husband Jeffrey will be so thrilled when I let him out of the cellar to get a whiff of THIS! Oh … wait … my phone’s ringing …”

“Hello? Michael? Is that you?”

"Hey, everyone, it's my friend Michael! He owns a doll-shop down by the seashore. God, he's such a hunk! I tell ya, if I weren't married ... Anyway, excuse me while I take this call."

“Hey, everyone, it’s my friend Michael! He’s the one who owns a doll-shop down by the seashore. God, he’s such a hunk! I tell ya, if I weren’t married … Anyway, excuse me while I take this call.”

“So what’s that you were saying, Michael? Wait … hold on, honey. I can’t hear you. Have you got your sewing-machine going? There’s what? Giant WHAT? Coming ashore in the Hamptons? Oh, Michael … what have I told you about drinking while you work with gingham? Look, I gotta go. Dinner’s just about ready and I have to go unchain Jeffrey. You know how he gets. Lemme call you tomorrow … and lay off the Chantilly. Have yourself a little Klonopin. Take a nice nap. Okay, honey. Bye bye.”

"I swear, that Michael is such a handful, sometimes. It must be all that untamed testosterone just pent-up and swirly around with nowhere to go in manly, hairy bachelor-body of his. He drinks when he runs-up a new dress pattern and then starts seeing things. Sometimes he cries. The guy needs a woman in his life ... fast. But anyway, I need to plate up these Asian chicks."

“I swear, that Michael is such a handful, sometimes. It must be all the untamed testosterone just pent-up and swirling around with nowhere to go in that manly, hairy bachelor-body of his. I get the shivers just thinking about it. See, he gets to drinking whenever he runs-up a new dress pattern, like most men, and then starts seeing stuff that isn’t there. Giant monsters. You wouldn’t believe the shit. Sometimes he cries. The guy needs a wife in his life … fast. But anyway, I need to plate up these Asian chicks.”

“There. Doesn’t that look great? I like to leave their little leg bones in because I find it enhances the flavor, but you can skin & bone yours before frying, if you want. Now, I’ll just go get the key to Jeffrey’s manacles and then … HOLY SHIT! … What the hell is that noise outside? My God, the whole friggin’ house is shaking. It sounds like a locomotive coming up the driveway!”

"If Michael had some kind of hissy-fit and stole his mother's garden tractor to plow through my roses again, I'll kill him!"

“If Michael threw some kind of hissy-fit and stole his mother’s garden-tractor to plow through my roses again, I’ll kill him!”

"... Well, I better go and see what all the fuss is about, but I'm bringing a turkey-fork just in case. Drunken bachelors can be so mean ..."

“… Well, I better go out on the front porch and see what all the fuss is about, but I’m bringing a turkey-fork just in case. Drunken bachelors can be so mean …”

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the book here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Lunch-Hour with Bob & Sheila: The True Face of Monstrosity #Oscars

March 5, 2014 / Jonathan Kieran / Leave a comment

"So Bob, are you excited about seeing that new Godzilla reboot everyone's been talking about? I saw the latest trailer on You Tube and it's phenomenal."

“So Bob, are you excited about that new Godzilla reboot everyone’s talking about? I saw the trailer on You Tube and it’s absolutely phenomenal.”

"Gee, Sheila, I didn't realize you enjoyed kaiju films. Frankly, they don't do anything for me. I prefer my horror entertainment to be as realistic and as undiluted in sheer depravity as possible."

“Gee, Sheila, I didn’t realize you enjoyed kaiju films. Frankly, they don’t do anything for me. I prefer my horror to be as realistic and as undiluted in sheer depravity as possible.”

"Realistic? These movies are fun because they're science-fiction, Bob. Everybody knows that hideous monsters don't really exist."

“Horror? These movies are science-fiction, Bob. That’s what makes ’em fun. Everybody knows that hideous monsters don’t really exist.”

"Mother always taught me to believe that, but then I saw something on TV the other night. Something so lurid and frightening I was chilled to the very core of my soul."

“I thought so, too, Sheila, but then I saw something ghastly on TV the other night — something so lurid and frightening that I was chilled to the very core of my soul.”

"My God, you're trembling, Bob! What was it? What manner of harrowing creature could have instilled such unmitigated terror in the depths of your being?"

“My God, you’re trembling, Bob! What was it? What harrowing creature from the foul, black mists of a nightmare could have instilled such terror in the depths of your being?”

"Here's a photo of it in my iPhone. Brace yourself, Sheila."

“Got a photo of it on my phone. Here. See for yourself.”

"Oh my GAWD! I don't know why I have lunch with you, Bob. Now I won't sleep for a freakin' week!"

“Oh my GAWD! I don’t know why I have lunch with you, Bob. And you had to show me this on a day the cafeteria is serving flapjacks, didn’t you? Thanks a lot. Now I won’t sleep for a whole friggin’ week.”

"My mother told me there were no monsters. No real monsters. But there are, aren't there. Why do they tell little kids that?"

“My mother always told me there were no monsters, Sheila. No real monsters. But there are, aren’t there. Why do they tell little kids that?”

“Because most of the time it’s true.”

"Move along, Weaver. This table is taken and we don't need any of your input."

“Move along, Weaver. This table is taken and we don’t need your two cents today. I can barely keep my food down as it is.”

"I can't stand that new girl from accounting. Such a know-it-all. Thank God I don't run into her very often. She mostly comes at lunch. Mostly."

“I tell you, Bob, I can’t stand that new girl in accounting. Such a know-it-all. Thank heaven I don’t run into her very often. She mostly comes at lunch. Mostly.”

_______

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for exciting news about the book here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

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Jonathan Kieran: Author, Illustrator, Existential Interrogator

The Official Site for News, Clues & Views

Month: March 2014

Only in a Hair Salon in California … #humor

Oh, Sheila gonna write a novel like everybody else. #LunchHour

Blame Twitter when your kids call you an old drunk. #trends

Desperate times call for desperate pleasures. #marketing

Toho Squab w/ The Barefoot Contessa! #FoodNetwork #satire

Lunch-Hour with Bob & Sheila: The True Face of Monstrosity #Oscars