Wiping Howards End? #satire #culturaldecline

"Listen, everyone! Oxford scientists predict that, given the current epidemic of blithering stupidity,  99% of the human population will, in fact, no longer be intellectually capable of wiping their own arse-holes properly. Meg, I can't believe it!"

“Listen to this, everyone! Oxford scientists calculate that, given the current epidemic of blithering stupidity and the ongoing plunge of attention-spans toward a state of widespread catatonia, 99% of the human population will soon be intellectually incapable of producing the specific series of coordinated movements required to wipe their own arse-holes!”

"My word, Helen, that is most distressing news to hear so soon after tea. Tell me, do the scientists mention anything about Google perhaps inventing some sort of device capable of wiping such an inordinately large number of arse-holes on behalf of these poor disabled individuals?"

“My word, Helen, that is most distressing news. You really could have saved it until after tea. Tell me, do the scientists mention anything about Google perhaps inventing some sort of future device capable of wiping such an inordinately large number of unclean arse-holes on behalf of these individuals?”

"Not a word, Meg. In fact, some researchers indicate that every family already has at least one member who has secretly lost the cognitive ability to wipe. Good gracious, Meg, it could be any of us!"

“Not a word, Meg. In fact, some researchers indicate that most families now have at least one member who’s already lost the cognitive ability to wipe. Good gracious, Meg, it could be any one of us!”

"Well, I can assure you it isn't I. My faculties are as lively as ever and things are ship-shape and Bristol fashion with my bum. Perhaps it's Tibby."

“Well, I can assure you it is not I. My mental faculties are as lively as ever, and, if you really must know, my bum has always been ship-shape and Bristol fashion. Clean as a pennywhistle. No odd business down there. Perhaps it’s Tibby.”

"NO, Meg! Not our poor, dear sweet Tibby!"

“NO, Meg! Not our poor, dear sweet Tibby! He can’t possibly become one of the great unwiped! I can’t bear to think of it.”

"We must brace ourselves for the eventuality, Helen. And if 99 percent of the population is destined to suffer such a repulsive form of decline, then we must do everything in our power to remain firmly in the fragrant 1 percent."

“I’m afraid we must brace ourselves for every eventuality, Helen. And if 99 percent of the population is truly destined to suffer such a repulsive form of decline, then we must do everything in our power to remain firmly rooted in the fragrant one percent.”

"The One Percent, Meg? Isn't that rather politically unfashionable?"

“The One Percent, Meg? But … isn’t that rather politically unfashionable?”

"Would you prefer the alternative, Helen? It will be most squishy."

“Would you prefer the alternative, Helen? I promise you it shall be most squishy indeed.”

"The One Percent it shall be, then. But what about the others, Meg? Our friends. Our neighbors. The grocer who handles our peaches. The cook who bakes our scones. How shall we ever go on in such a dreadfully incontinent world?"

“Good heavens! One Percent it shall be, then. But what about the others, Meg? Our friends. Our neighbors. The grocer who handles our peaches. How shall we ever go on in such a dreadfully incontinent world?”

"The same way we always have, my darling ... by holding each other close, cherishing every moment as if it were our last. Now ... excuse me, Tibby, but would you kindly go stand in another room until Helen and I have found a new place to live? That's a luv."

“The same way we always have, my darling–by holding each other close and cherishing every moment as if it were going to be our last. Now … Tibby, darling. Would you kindly walk away from us and go stand in another room until Helen and I have found a new place to live? There’s a luv.”


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An epic new novel by Jonathan Kieran is slated for release in 2015. Stay tuned for more news about the book in coming months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

What fills *your* vast cavern of endless need? #CindyKnowsItAll

"I've been reading  a lot of steampunk lately, Brenda. Do you know what that is? Oh, it's a wonderful genre. I find that steampunk satisfies this deep craving in my soul --a vast cavern of endless need that nothing else seems quite able to fill."

“I’ve been reading a lot of steampunk lately, Brenda. Do you know what that is? Oh, it’s a wonderful genre. I find that steampunk satisfies a deep craving in my soul –flooding a vast cavern of endless need that nothing else in this whole world is able to fill.”

conclusion gossip

"I mean, except for the Oxycontin. But I guess that's obvious, isn't it."

“I mean, except for the Oxycontin.”

conclusion gossip
___
An epic new novel by Jonathan Kieran is slated for release in 2015. Stay tuned for more news about the book in coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Life’s little battles usually require specific strategies. Choose your weapons wisely. #GodzillaKnowsBest

Life's little battles usually require specific strategies ...

Life’s little battles usually require specific strategies …

... Choose your weapons wisely.

… Choose your weapons wisely.


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Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Nurse Peggy on family safari (with special guest) … #satire

Visiting family around the holidays is a lot like going on safari.

“Visiting family around the holidays is a lot like going on safari.”

"How do you figure that, Nurse Betty?"

“How do you figure that, Nurse Peggy?”

Observe things from a safe distance and you might learn something valuable. Get a little drunk and wander too close to the animals and you'll probably get eaten alive."

“Easy. Observe wildlife from a safe distance and you might learn something valuable. But get a little drunk and wander too close to the animals … and you’ll probably be eaten alive.”

"In my house it's best to get drunk at a safe distance and then eat EVERYTHING!"

“Then every holiday is like a safari, Peg. Only, at my house, it’s best to get drunk at a safe distance and then eat EVERYTHING!”

"Just as I suspected. Kenya has nothing on you, Paula."

“Just as I suspected, Paula. Safaris at the Deen house, indeed. Kenya has nothing on you.”

"Of course Kenya hasn't got anything on me. I never said one word about that rapper or the oily little Kardashian gal he married. Never! I'm innocent. Lord, I hope the media doesn't launch another witch-hunt. I can't take no more!"

“Of course Kenya hasn’t got anything on me. I never said one word about that nice rapper or the oily little gal he married — the one what likes to get peed-on. Never! I’m innocent. I swear. Lord, I hope the media doesn’t launch another witch-hunt. I can’t take a public relations disaster this year!”

"I swear, woman, you need to spend a year in Angola."

“I swear, woman, you need to spend a year with the people of Angola.”

"Angola? But I already know her people. Angola worked the salad station in my kitchen for years. Right?"

“Angola? But I already know her people, Peggy. Angola worked the salad station in my kitchen for twenty years. Lovely woman.”

"Did I really share a network with her? Really?"

“Did I really used to share a network with this individual? Really?”


__
Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Only in a salon in Topanga … #CulturalIronies

"Society has gotten so vulgar that I can barely bring myself to watch the evening news these days, Sheila. Murder, mayhem, misogyny, and morons misbehaving. That's all the media seems to care about."

“Society has gotten so vulgar that I can barely bring myself to watch the evening news these days, Sheila. Skanks and sinners. Murder, mayhem, miscreants, and other morons misbehaving. That’s all the media seems to care about anymore. I tell you, it’s a scandal. There’s nothing uplifting or wholesome out there in the mainstream to nourish a girl’s intellect.”

conclusion gossip

"Thank God for dystopian steampunk BDSM vampire-erotica or I wouldn't have anything worthwhile to feed my brain. Sheesh."

“Thank God for dystopian-steampunk-BDSM-vampire-erotica or my starving brain would just shrivel up and die.”

conclusion gossip
__

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads