Orwellian Amazon INSANITY!

Rack and ruin, smiting and wrath, horror upon horror to the goblins, micro-gremlins and scatterbrained millennial “thinkers” that currently operate Amazon.com, a company which I now truly believe to be a devious tentacular weapon of the Illuminati (or whatever trendy cabal so many crazy-ass conspiracy theorists are barking about incessantly these days.)

Get THIS shit:

I have been an Amazon customer since its inception in the late 1990s, and a Prime Member since Prime began priming everyone’s proverbial pump. Across two states and–gee, let’s see–SIX FUCKING HOMES (I buy and flip property for kicks) I have used the same, super-secret beloved password for my Amazon account for over TEN YEARS. Never had to change it. Never had to alter a digit.

I recently sold my latest home and inhabited another in my beloved California woodlands, away from the hustling, bustling, mouth-breathing mediocrity of human civilization.

Settled and recovered from the typical stress of a major “relocation event,” I sat down yesterday with my iPad to undertake a bit of leisurely online shopping via that monolithic monstrosity named after the snaking, insidious South American river where people like me are routinely eaten by crocodiles or shot by bandits. I entered my email address and then my cherished password.

WE’RE SORRY. BUT WE DETECT THAT YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO ACCESS THIS ACCOUNT FROM A NEW LOCATION OR A NEW DEVICE. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PROCEED FURTHER, YOU MUST VERIFY IT’S YOU BY PHONE OR VIA EMAIL CODE. CLICK BELOW IF YOU WISH AMAZON TO SEND YOU A NEW VERIFICATION CODE FOR THIS DEVICE OR LOCATION. (I paraphrase, but pretty goddamned accurately.)

WTF? New location, sure, but hardly a new device.

Eager to get on with things, I clicked the “verify by email” option. I’n not going to go fetch my phone. Who wants to mess with texts from another, separate goddamned contraption or brook possible entanglements featuring befuddled “help center” employees in Mumbai? Not I, baby. Not I.

After a genuine pain-in-the-ass side-trip, toggling to access my Microsoft account to retrieve THE CODE, I toggle back and enter the friggin’ set of random numbers on my Amazon page and am able to shop accordingly.

I roll my eyes, but figure THE CODE was needed for the purposes of devoted, super, Super-DUPER overprotection and “Safe Space Satisfaction” concerns that some rail-thin 25 year-old from Silicon Valley with an incongruous lumberjack beard and nerd glasses (her name is “Cynthia”) convinced “the team” to implement in order to make things extra ironclad for Amazon’s longtime customers.

Today, I wanted to return something via Amazon. Always been such an easy and convenient benefit, the returning-process, especially with Prime membership. I go to my Amazon page and am prompted to enter my password, as usual. My intimate, well-remembered password, so dear to one’s existential wellbeing.

THE PASSWORD IS INCORRECT.

Okay, maybe I typed it incorrectly, which never happens because I’ve been typing the damned thing for over a decade of constant commerce, but you never know. I’m human. I’m flawed.

I enter it again, more carefully.

THE PASSWORD IS INCORRECT.

And again.

THE PASSWORD IS INCORRECT.

Then it dawns on me. Those bastards.

The meaningless “verification code” they demanded I use from the previous day has now become my new password!

By now, I’m steaming hot and drooling venom like an atrax robustus spider in attack stance.

IMG_2257

Off I toggle to my Microsoft account to dig up that idiot clutch of code-numbers, find them, then enter them at Amazon as my password. Presto. They work.

I’m so ticked off that my longtime password is no longer apparently valid, that I want to kick someone, but no one’s around except the cat and she’s just too damned lovable to kick. Damn her eternally.

I return my item and arrive at the stage on Amazon wherein one can print a return label or email a label. Neither of the options works when I click.

Okay. Maybe my iPad is acting up a bit. Apple’s products have been declining in quality and increasing in convoluted inanity, these past several years.

I decided I’d just go get my Macbook Air, access Amazon, and print the mofo label using that machine.

WE’RE SORRY. BUT WE DETECT THAT YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO ACCESS THIS ACCOUNT FROM A NEW LOCATION OR A NEW DEVICE. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PROCEED FURTHER, YOU MUST VERIFY IT’S YOU BY PHONE OR VIA EMAIL CODE. CLICK BELOW IF YOU WISH AMAZON TO SEND YOU A NEW VERIFICATION CODE FOR THIS DEVICE OR LOCATION.

IMG_2256

I was now forced to secure TWO different jumbled-up hogshit numerical CODE passwords for the separate devices in my ownership. AND THE SAME APPLIES TO MY iPHONE. That’s three new passwords I have to remember and access for a trio of convenient creations that are supposed to make my life-experience easier, speedier, and more devil-may-care.

Now, I want to throw all of these dastardly Hell-whizbangs out the window and live in a cave, eating acorns, pulling deer ticks out of my ass-crack, and wearing mud for clothes, like the local Indian tribes did around here 300 years ago.

But I may not survive long enough to enjoy such a simple existence.

Any minute now, I expect an Amazon Drone to buzz its way up to my remote woodland aerie, cut a 6 x 6 hole in the wall with a searing blue laser-beam, throw me down on the bed and perform a full colonoscopy and brain scan, only to fly away without so much as a kiss or a cuddle.

But there will be a note left on the bedside table. You can bet on that. It’ll read:

I’M SORRY TO LEAVE SO SUDDENLY, BUT IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO EXPERIENCE THIS THOROUGH EXAMINATION AND SOUL-GUTTING INTRUSION ONCE AGAIN, PLEASE GO TO YOUR AMAZON PAGE ON ANY DEVICE AND FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS TO OBTAIN A VERIFICATION CODE. WE NEED TO KNOW IT’S YOU.

Keep Shopping,

Jeff Bezos

 

 

 

ZANZIBAR CIRCUS 6.13.16

zanz61316

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Jonathan Kieran is the author of Confessions from the Comments Section: The Secret Lives of Internet Commenters and Other Pop Culture Zombies (Brightbourne) as well as the Rowan Blaize series of epic fantasy books. He is also the creator of the comic strip Zanzibar Circus. Explore this site to learn more about Jonathan’s work, or buy his books on Amazon by clicking the cover images to the right in the sidebar.

Pomp & Circumstance: Confessions from the Comments Section is BORN!

Oh, good HEAVENS. If you dear, darling people had any idea what a heaving pound of flesh was extracted from my carcass while writing my new book, Confessions from the Comments Section: The Secret Lives of Internet Commenters and Other Pop Culture Zombies, you would all run screaming to your devices to purchase this masterpiece and tremble with the resultant satisfaction. The book is about 33 “types” of classic internet commenters (trolls included) and the twisted, hilarious ways in which they reveal their secret lives via internet comments sections and social media … usually while thinking they are anonymous. The Puppy Suckler alone is worth the price of admission, but The Drunken Ranter will not be ignored, either. No punches are pulled in this indictment of our decaying culture. No one is spared the sting of the satirical whip, including myself and GOD. Plus, it’s got cartoons. The book is available in paperback and Kindle versions from Amazon and we’re going to be having a ball discussing it over the coming weeks and months. I’ll also be launching my weekly Zanzibar Circus comic, as well, so come back frequently for jollies and snickers. Meanwhile, pour yourself a stiff drink and enjoy EPISODE ONE of my new YouTube series, where you’ll meet Jimmy Swayne, his co-host, Dusty Kinkertoo, and a slew of celebrity guests who couldn’t wait to do the show. Believe me: we were swatting the thirsty Famous People off like flies. Anyhow, on Episode One, Jimmy chats about this & that and reviews the fab new book, Fear and Clothing, by fellow culture-critic and all-around Doyenne of Mischievous Derring-Do, Cintra Wilson. Make that two stiff drinks while you watch. Yeah. Here’s a link to the official book trailer for Confessions from the Comments Section, too, if you’re interested, and you know you darned well ARE. We’ll meet again by moonlight.

POP HAZMAT HEADLINE du JOUR: “TAN MOM” Releases Music Video. Asteroid Approaches Earth in Nick of Time.

GOODREADS MEMBERS Click Here for a Chance to Win a Giveaway Copy of Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy by Jonathan Kieran. The Contest runs until June 10!

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.
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HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: “TAN MOM” Releases Music Video. Asteroid Approaches Earth in Nick of Time. Posted by JONATHAN KIERAN

Click the Pic to watch a life-changing masterpiece of American entertainment culture that's certain to garner Kennedy Center honors within a decade ... if not sooner.

Click the Pic to watch a life-changing masterpiece of American entertainment culture that’s certain to garner Kennedy Center honors within a decade … if not sooner.

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: NOT EVEN QUANTIFIABLE

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Our putrefying culture remains one in which disreputable dirtbags (who ought to be relegated to the desolate Fringes of Chaos) feel quite encouraged to flaunt their willfully degraded, deliberately vulgar and aggressively shameless selves on film, as if mainstream society had thrown-down a “Welcome” mat and had extended to these reprobates a permanent invitation to drop-in unannounced for cocktails. Wait. Did I say: “as if society had …”? Excuse the blunder. Mainstream society has thrown-down the “Welcome” mat for these derelicts … and the mat is swiftly becoming a red carpet.

EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: The asteroid can’t get here swiftly enough and it may miss the globe altogether. Bummer.

Is it just me or does the complexion of that asteroid's face look eerily familiar?

Is it just me or does the complexion of that asteroid’s face look eerily familiar?

TAKE-AWAY QUOTE: “I’m tan mom, bitch! I’m the cool one. I’ll give you a treat, to see my goodies browned.”

THERAPEUTIC CINEMA: The Road (2009) To evoke a landscape where “Tan Mom” will hopefully be found one day, wandering aimlessly with a thermos of tequila until she stumbles unaware into an encampment of starving cannibals and slovenly offers to shake her “goodies browned” for their entertainment. Please. Someone make that movie and give her a graphic cameo. I’ll be the one down in the front row with a jumbo-sized popcorn and a bag of Red Vines.

DETOX DINNER: This is a no-brainer. Go to the market and buy yourself one of those hot, greasy, fully-cooked and hormone-injected rotisserie chickens. It’ll be like having your very own “Tan Mom” over for dinner. Literally. The two are virtually indistinguishable. See for yourself …

rotchick tanskank

FURTHER READING: Divine Carnage … so you can read about the Emperor Caligula and his particular era. Don’t worry: if you’re currently living in the United States of America, you’ll feel right at home with this book. Everything will be uncannily familiar. In fact, you’ll be wondering when they’ll get to the part of the story where “Tan Mom” is awarded a seat in the Senate!

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Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that might just destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

The World of Rowan Blaize Character Profiles by Jonathan Kieran: Meet … ILYSSA

GOODREADS MEMBERS Click Here for a Chance to Win a Giveaway Copy of Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy by Jonathan Kieran. The Contest runs until June 10!

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.
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~The World of Rowan Blaize: Character Profiles~ by JONATHAN KIERAN

The realm of ancient sorcerer Rowan Blaize is one in which otherwise hidden worlds collide with (or dwell alongside) our own mortal sphere. Rowan’s existence is played-out across landscapes and dreamscapes that encompass “worlds within worlds,” providing the observant traveler ample opportunity to encounter creatures of dazzling magical qualities. Some of these beings are friendly, others are belligerent, and still others have a hard time deciding among the various options. From one universe to the next, certain things never change. Enjoy meeting the main characters of Rowan’s adventurous story in the profiles below and remember: wherever the world and whomever the wayfarer … only enchantment is immortal.

Character Name: Ilyssa

*IMDb Dream-Portrayal By: Sosie Bacon

When it comes to playing the determined, no-nonsense teenaged runaway, Ilyssa, from 'Rowan Blaize and the Starbane Exile,' I have a feeling that Miss Sosie could bring home the BACON and fry it up in a pan!

When it comes to playing the determined, no-nonsense teenaged runaway, Ilyssa, from ‘Rowan Blaize and the Starbane Exile,’ I have a feeling that Miss Sosie could bring home the BACON and fry it up in a pan!

Nature/Occupation: Mortal girl. Runaway. Probable future Queen of Kelnia?

Age: 14-15

Background: Ilyssa is the daughter of an apothecary in the mountainside Kelnian city of Pyr Mida. Occupied by the forces of evil sorceress-queen, Oblixta, and used as a military garrison, Pyr Mida is ruled by a repulsive Prefect who conscripts young ladies to serve his every wretched need. Like others before her, Ilyssa is “chosen” and her parents are willing to give her up rather than escape or face execution. Ilyssa, being a determined lass, decides to run by nightfall into the wintry death that awaits upon the cruel mountain above her city … but fortunes can change quickly when magic is in the air.

Significant Traits: Auburn-haired and quite beautiful, young Ilyssa proves that a wry sense of humor and a modicum of rebelliousness can take a girl far in any world.

Unique Powers/Abilities: Of all the things that can be said about Ilyssa, being a “good sport” and being able to think fast on her feet are two of the best.

Classic Quote: “Watch it, smart-mouth. I’ve had just about the worst night and morning of my entire life and if you don’t think I’m up to scratching the eyes right out of your skull, you’ve got another thing coming.”

Featured In: Book Three (Rowan Blaize and the Starbane Exile)

*If I am ever fortunate enough to see Rowan’s adventures adapted for film or for the stage, this is the actor (or creature) I can most readily visualize playing the character in a given profile.

_______________________________________________

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that might just destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

POP HAZMAT QUESTIONABLE CHILDHOOD CANDY HALL OF FAME: “STARBURST” by Jonathan Kieran

GOODREADS MEMBERS Click Here for a Chance to Win a Giveaway Copy of Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy by Jonathan Kieran. The Contest runs until June 10!

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.
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HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME: LOVABLY QUESTIONABLE CANDY FROM CHILDHOOD! by JONATHAN KIERAN

TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: STARBURST FRUIT CHEWS!

starburst

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: What follows is a (verbatim) “flashback scene” from one of my elementary school classes.

During this class, our halitosis-stricken teacher, Miss Marion “Spaghetti Legs” McGrady, was attempting to gauge local nutritional values from an informal survey of our confused and disenchanted brains. During the course of the lesson, she asked various students questions about their own “healthy food choices and experiences” at home. Unfortunately, she chose to petition our obese and somewhat oily classmate, Ronald Frakey, in this regard. Ronald’s mother, Lurlene Frakey, was well-known for spending entire mornings and afternoons sitting on her dilapidated front porch in curlers, a bathrobe and tatty pink bedroom slippers, sipping regularly from a bottle of Jack Daniels and often complaining to her deaf, one-eyed cat, Boogers, about the rising cost of menthol cigarettes.

crazed teacher

Spaghetti Legs McGrady, however, was apparently unaware that the Frakey household was a less-than-ideal source from which to extract useful information about the Four Food Groups. On this particular day, Spaghetti Legs was fixated on the importance of fruit in the human diet. The rest of us were breathless with anticipation as she focused her powers of inquisition upon Ronald.

MISS McGRADY: “Ronald Frakey. You look like a well-fed little boy. Why, I can tell by your complexion that Crisco is used rather frequently around your house. That means your mother must be a gifted chef de cuisine!”

RONALD FRAKEY: “A what?”

MISS McGRADY: “A good cook.”

RONALD FRAKEY: “Well, she can microwave a plate of Twinkies real good, if that’s what you mean. She’s got it timed real perfect, too, so the creamy fillin’ doesn’t even burn the skin off our tongues anymore!”

MISS McGRADY: “Never mind that, Frakey. Today’s discussion is about the importance of fresh fruit in any balanced diet, especially for growing children like yourself. What role does fruit play in your family’s nutritional infrastructure, Ronald?”

RONALD FRAKEY: “Role? Well, we have rolls every Thanksgiving. Mama hits my sister, Vicki, over the head with one o’ them Pillsbury canisters. See, Vicki’s got sort of a pointed head, like the peak of a roof or somethin’, and the doctors don’t know why, but they say her skull is prolly gonna be thick like that until she turns sixteen. Maybe. Maybe not. We just have to wait and see, you know? I sure dunno why Vicki’s head is shaped like that, but one time I overheard my Aunt Betty say it was ’cause Vicki’s real daddy is some fella what goes by the name of ‘Jack Daniels.’ Now, I dunno if I ever met nobody named ‘Jack Daniels.’ Maybe. Maybe not. But Mama says, ‘Hell, if the girl’s head is gonna be thick as a butcher-block until she’s thirty she might as well make herself useful.” So she clubs her with that Pillsbury can every Thanksgiving and Vicki doesn’t even feel a thing on account of the bone thickness and out pops them rolls, like it was magic. They go real good with our pork chop, too. Uh … does that answer your question ’bout rolls, Mizz McGrady?”

MISS McGRADY: “No, Ronald Frakey. It certainly does not. Excuse me for a moment, class, while I get the small silver flask of homeopathic medicinal liquid that I keep in the bottom drawer of my desk. Don’t be alarmed. You have all seen me utilize this crucial and massage therapist-prescribed treatment on numerous occasions as I guide you to ever-greater heights of scholastic achievement. One day, many of you will also find yourselves taking advantage of cutting-edge herbal remedies to shield yourselves from the relentless horrors and unendingly dark, harrowing terrors of adult life. [Gulp. GULP.] Ah. There. That’s much better. Now, Mr. Frakey, I was not speaking of rolls that one consumes in the manner of puffed pastries and what-not. I was speaking of the role of fruit. The part that it plays in the fortifying bosom of your family’s nutritional regimen. Can you tell us the part that fruit plays in the Frakey domicile? Tell us about fruit, Ronald!”

RONALD FRAKEY: “Aw, heck, Mizz McGrady. I can tell you all ’bout that! Why didn’tcha just come right out and ask me the first time? Fruit’s great and wonderful.”

MIZZ McGRADY: “Now we’re getting somewhere. What is your favorite kind of fruit, Ronald?”

RONALD FRAKEY: “Starburst! Them pink ones. But I suppose I like the other colors just as much, too. Maybe. Maybe not. Why, I can sit down and eat a whole pack in ten minutes, I reckon.”

MIZZ McGRADY: “Mr. Frakey! Starburst is categorically not a fruit.”

RONALD FRAKEY: “Well, now. I dunno ’bout that, Mizz McGrady. It says on the TV in that fun little commercial they do: ‘Starburst fruit chews. A burst o’ refreshin’ fruit flavor for you.’ Now, if that ain’t fruit, then I’d like to know what a galldurned fruit is. I mean, they say the word ‘fruit’ twice in one song. Seems simple to me. You chew it and it bursts with flavor. Fruit flavor. TV don’t lie. They couldn’t say it twice if it weren’t true. And it ain’t just any fruit, it’s fruit for YOU.”

MIZZ McGRADY: “Ronald Frakey! I fear that your nutritional education has been sorely neglected when you consider a processed, tooth-rotting, wax-covered square of solidified corn-syrup to be a member of the FRUIT FAMILY! I can see now that I am going to have to arrange an immediate emergency conference with your mother and father!”

ma frakey

RONALD FRAKEY: “Oh, you can’t do that, Mizz McGrady. See, Daddy fell into that grinder down there to the Potted Meat factory eight years ago, and they still don’t figure they got all the pieces of him to toss in the casket, so he ain’t gonna be much help to anybody. And Mama … well, Mama don’t like to leave Boogers all by hisself in the house. He’s deaf and he’s only got one eye, see, so he tends to get confused and piss all over Mama’s National Enquirer magazines if she ain’t watchin’ him every minute, you know? Mama believes in the importance of readin’ and, you bein’ a teacher and all, Mizz McGrady, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to take my Mama away from literature. Not for one single solitary minute. Not for fruit. Maybe. Maybe not. Besides, Mama hands us all a brand new packet of the Starburst every time she makes a beer-run to the Handy-Grab, and she says to me and Vicki, she says: ‘Here now, you kids take this. This here’s a little packet of good healthy fruit. You both need some vitamins in your system this week and I’ll be damned if I’m wastin’ a food stamp on a bag o’ them overpriced oranges. Let those fools in Florida eat ’em, seein’ as they grow ’em like weeds down there! You won’t catch me peelin’ one of them things. Plus, in this Starburst pack, you get more’n one kind of fruit! See? Look here, it’s got watermelon, strawberry, orange, lemon and mango. I read somewhere in the Enquirer that mangoes is supposed to be extra good for you. Make your bowels spin like a waterwheel durin’ flood-time, mangoes will.’ So, Mizz McGrady, you can call Mama to talk about fruit all you want, but she already knows all about that sort of thing. Why, I bet she can prolly teach you a thing or two. You might even want have the Principal Hickens hire her to replace that Home Economics lady who up and quit to marry the undertaker last month. I don’t expect Mama’s lookin’ for a job, but can it hurt to ask? Maybe. Maybe not.”

MIZZ McGRADY: Class. Uh … please open your history books to the … to the … oh, well … to any chapter you want, really. I don’t care. Just read silently amongst yourselves for about half an hour. I … I need to go to the teacher’s lounge for some important … for some … for a little lie-down. Now … hey. Has anyone seen my small silver receptacle of homeopathic medication? Class? This is not amusing! CLASS! Who in Hell’s Bells swiped that flask of gin?”

desks

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DEFINITIVE QUALITY: You heard it from Ronald Frakey and rest assured that millions of satisfied children around the world sing the joyous refrain even today: “Starburst fruit chews! A burst of refreshing fruit flavor for YOU!”

BRUSH WITH GREATNESS: The glory of Starburst is exceeded only by its illustrious progeny … it’s not every candy that can give birth to a SKITTLE.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?: Starburst is still mesmerizing children from its place of honor atop 7-11 candy displays everywhere. Ronald Frakey has been in and out of jail since murdering Boogers the cat with a can of Pillsbury Thanksgiving rolls. Mrs. Frakey’s liver (which is all that remains of her) is preserved in a jar on a shelf at the Institute of Cirrhosis Research & Prevention in Ottawa, Ontario. Miss Marion McGrady never came back from the teacher’s lounge. Her whereabouts are unknown.

SPRUCE IT UP WITH A COCKTAIL!: Pop one of those beguiling little squares into your next Mango Margarita. It’s good, healthy fruit … and your bowels will move like a waterwheel. Trust Mama Frakey.

_______________________________________

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books …

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that might just destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________

Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

The World of Rowan Blaize Character Profiles by Jonathan Kieran: Meet … TALTHAGAR

GOODREADS MEMBERS Click Here for a Chance to Win a Giveaway Copy of Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy by Jonathan Kieran. The Contest runs until June 10!

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.
_______________________________________

~The World of Rowan Blaize: Character Profiles~ by JONATHAN KIERAN

The realm of ancient sorcerer Rowan Blaize is one in which otherwise hidden worlds collide with (or dwell alongside) our own mortal sphere. Rowan’s existence is played-out across landscapes and dreamscapes that encompass “worlds within worlds,” providing the observant traveler ample opportunity to encounter creatures of dazzling magical qualities. Some of these beings are friendly, others are belligerent, and still others have a hard time deciding among the various options. From one universe to the next, certain things never change. Enjoy meeting the main characters of Rowan’s adventurous story in the profiles below and remember: wherever the world and whomever the wayfarer … only enchantment is immortal.

Character Name: Talthagar

*IMDb Dream-Portrayal By: Sam Worthington

Sam Worthington has just the right blend of scruff, understated snark, and heroic swagger to play sword-wielding spy, Talthagar, in an adaptation of my novel, "Rowan Blaize and the Starbane Exile.' He'd have to grow some serious hair, though. Are you up for it, Sam? Expect a call from your agent any day now.

Sam Worthington has just the right blend of scruff, understated snark, and heroic swagger to play sword-wielding spy, Talthagar, in an adaptation of my novel, “Rowan Blaize and the Starbane Exile.’ He’d have to grow some serious hair, though. Are you up for it, Sam? Expect a call from your agent any day now.

Nature/Occupation: Mortal warrior. Swordsman. Spy for Sye, King of Corydia.

Age: 27

Background: Talthagar was the son of a Lady-in-Waiting in the court of Queen Scilde, first wife of the Corydian King, Sye. Talthagar’s father was one of the King’s most valiant warriors. Taking up the example of his father, Talthagar showed unparalleled gifts as a swordsman and rose at a relatively young age to great favor in the eyes of the aging monarch. He also demonstrated exceptional skill as a spy for the royal court, moving between Kelnia (in the North) and Corydia to form ties with the Kelnian resistance movement known as the “Kashizma”.

Significant Traits: Talthagar is a ruggedly handsome man of great physical strength and mental resolve, as befitting an individual of his dangerous professional stature. No less redoubtable is his behemoth black stallion, Skull, from whom the warrior is seldom parted and with whom he enjoys an almost symbiotic relationship. Talthagar is a loner, which is probably one of the reasons he is such a capable woodsman and tracker, in addition to his other qualities. Deadpan in terms of humor and impatient in terms of disposition, the great Corydian hero is nevertheless a man of pure heart and unbreakable courage … even in the face of sorcery he can scarcely begin to combat or comprehend.

Unique Powers/Abilities: Swordfighting. Tracking. Horsemanship. Espionage. Bravery in the face of wicked witches.

Classic Quote: “If I’m out of line, you gotta tell a guy like me.”

Featured In: Book Two (Rowan Blaize and the Starbane Exile)

*If I am ever fortunate enough to see Rowan’s adventures adapted for film or for the stage, this is the actor (or creature) I can most readily visualize playing the character in a given profile.

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Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books …

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that might just destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
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Rowan Blaize Official Website
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