Tag: headlines

When Space Oddities Attack: #Hubble Telescope sees ALL

POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Hubble Space Telescope Picks Up Giant Space Penguin (And Other Galactic Anomalies) by JONATHAN KIERAN CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 10 (Surely this Giant Space Penguin is yet another astrological sign of the Coming Chastisement of Creation for allowing TV Cable networks like The National Geographic Channel and The Learning Channel to devolve into putrid cesspits of showcased debauchery and human … Read More When Space Oddities Attack: #Hubble Telescope sees ALL

And you think YOUR kids are bored? They’re licking #eyeballs in Japan. #headlines

POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Eyeball-Licking Fad Latest Proof of Japanese Insanity by JONATHAN KIERAN CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9 (Not quite as twisted as Howl’s Moving Castle … worse than seppuku) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: I’m going to be brutally honest, here. I blame the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Yes, I do. The Japanese people have never recovered and I frankly don’t think they … Read More And you think YOUR kids are bored? They’re licking #eyeballs in Japan. #headlines

Have you witnessed a Crime against Beauty? Don’t hesitate to call 911. #headlines #satire

POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: British Man Calls Police to Complain About Ugly ‘Lady of the Evening’ CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 0 (All citizens should be as well-informed about their rights as this Birmingham gentleman when it comes to the scourge of ugliness.) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: A savvy consumer of rent-by-the-hour ladyparts in Birmingham, England, arranged a business transaction involving the exchange of presumably attractive, satisfying … Read More Have you witnessed a Crime against Beauty? Don’t hesitate to call 911. #headlines #satire

Pope mentions “Gay Lobby” in Vatican. Says: “Sure. It’s right next to our Mixed-Marriage Mezzanine.” #satire

POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Pope Admits Existence of “Gay Lobby” in Vatican. posted by JONATHAN KIERAN (by way of NPR) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: This bodes well for a “Twihard CafĂ©” next to the Sistine Chapel in the near future. EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: If the Vatican is offering special architectural amenities to accommodate the diverse demographics of its visitors, one must consider this a sign of … Read More Pope mentions “Gay Lobby” in Vatican. Says: “Sure. It’s right next to our Mixed-Marriage Mezzanine.” #satire

Who says workplace naps won’t keep the $$$ in circulation? Job-Snoozing is THE LOOK. #headlines

POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: German Bank Employee Falls Asleep on Keyboard, Accidentally Transfers Millions CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 0 (Naps are the ANSWER to cultural disintegration across the globe! Join the happy crusade!) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: A few weeks back, I recall reading an article or two wherein scientists (or some other obviously bored researchers with a lot of time and government money on their … Read More Who says workplace naps won’t keep the $$$ in circulation? Job-Snoozing is THE LOOK. #headlines

Look skinny in your coffin with Seattle quack’s new “Air, Water & Sunlight” Diet! #satire #headlines

HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Look Skinny in Your Coffin with Seattle Quack’s Hot New “Air, Water & Sunlight” Diet! CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9 (Today’s Emergency-Level CTQ has been assigned due to the obviously pervasive and bereft state of spiritual fulfillment currently afflicting society’s card-carrying nutjobs. We want our deranged friends and neighbors to maintain healthy nutritional regimens in this highly competitive climate of contemporary … Read More Look skinny in your coffin with Seattle quack’s new “Air, Water & Sunlight” Diet! #satire #headlines

HazMat Headline Du Jour: Former Vogue Editor Reveals Models Are Eating Tissues to Stay Thin in Tell-All Book

HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Former Vogue Editor Reveals Models Are Eating Tissues to Stay Thin in Tell-All Book posted by JONATHAN KIERAN CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 5.5 (Typical) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: At least they aren’t licking felines and swallowing cat hair to maintain that coveted skeletal look. Recent scientific studies do indeed confirm that Kleenex has twelve percent more nutritional value than cat hair. Models have … Read More HazMat Headline Du Jour: Former Vogue Editor Reveals Models Are Eating Tissues to Stay Thin in Tell-All Book

HazMat Headline Du Jour: Are Those Kidneys Sustainable? by Jonathan Kieran

HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Science Fiction Comes Alive as Researchers Grow Organs in Lab CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9.5 (Catastrophic) There is every likelihood that, given current trends in abhorrent human behavior, human organs could soon be grown and packaged as popular snacks and “What’s for dinner tonight?” solutions, rather than for medical purposes. RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Scientists are using industrial detergents to basically frazzle-fry parts … Read More HazMat Headline Du Jour: Are Those Kidneys Sustainable? by Jonathan Kieran

Pop HazMat Alert: A Foreshock for Something Larger

HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: “So-Cal Quake Could be Foreshock for Something Larger” CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 1.5 (Negligible: 8 out of 10 scientists surveyed now believe cataclysms are “restorative experiences”.) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: The “Big One” is imminent, at least in the geological perspective of time, no matter how many minor jolts pester airheaded Californians on a daily basis. EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: Widespread death, destruction, and anarchy … Read More Pop HazMat Alert: A Foreshock for Something Larger