The Reason Orthodontists Make Any Money At All

HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD FOOD FROM CHILDHOOD ) posted by JONATHAN KIERAN

TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: Charleston Chew Candy Bars (Vanilla, Chocolate, Strawberry and, sometimes, Banana)

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Billed as “rich nougat covered in creamy chocolate” by its purveyors back in the day. We, however, would hazard a description more along the lines of: “Incisor-wrenching gum-hemorrhaging molar-murdering epoxy suitable for bricklaying and covered with brown film vaguely reminiscent of chocolate-scented candle-wax.”

DEFINITIVE QUALITY: You could sit on a stoop in the summertime sun, growling and gnawing like a terrier with a rawhide bone for hours upon your Charleston Chew until the tears were streaming from your eyes due to the pain and the teeth in your head were as loose as the chompers of a sailor with scurvy. On the other hand, you could use your Charleston Chew as a skull-cracking weapon in battles with neighborhood bullies or as a key piece of equipment during impromptu stickball skirmishes. It was the most versatile candy bar in history, capable of activating young salivary glands and inspiring breathless anxiety (see below).

BRUSH WITH GREATNESS: Dr. Dre’s album Chronic 2001 features Eminem in a song called Forget about Dre. Pertinent lyric from Eminem: “From here on out it’s the Chronic 2, startin’ today and tomorrow’s the new. And I’m still loco enough to choke you to death wit’ a Charleston Chew.” This masterpiece of a reference underscores Charleston Chew’s unparalleled reputation as one of the deadliest weapons in the history of Magical Childhood. When your mother told you that sugar was “bad for you,” she was picturing a Charleston Chew being slammed against your head and knocking you out cold. Some mothers of a more nerve-shredded disposition were known to forego the use of switches cut from trees to punish their recalcitrant offspring. Instead, such mothers would utter the dark command: “Here’s a quarter. Go to the corner store and bring me a Charleston Chew. It’s time for you to learn a lesson.” Statistics are unavailable, but anecdotal evidence suggests that six percent of all inner-city childhood accidents requiring emergency room treatment involved a Charleston Chew.

LAMENTABLE LEGACY: Deformed mouths and rotted smiles requiring extensive orthodontic examinations, surgeries and corrective contraptions, much to the wailing dismay of already overworked parents who would rather be spending thousands of dollars on raucous trips to Las Vegas instead of your stupid teeth.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?: Currently being peddled by the people who brought you the equally nutritious and easy-on-the-dental-work Tootsie Roll.

SPRUCE IT UP WITH A COCKTAIL!: Add a tantalizing “flavor twist” to your next bottle of Bacardi 151 by inserting a Charleston Chew. (Please allow two-three years for candy bar to fully disintegrate.)

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One witty 2,800 year-old warlock. A suspicious storm that hurls him to earth near London. A goddess who wants to destroy the world. The catch? She needs Rowan’s face. REMOVED.

A deliciously twisted magical adventure is born. Use any of the Rowan Blaize book icons on the upper-right (or use the links below) to learn more or buy with an enchanted click at Amazon (Kindle or paperback).

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