A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the adventures of Rowan Blaize. Book One is the timeless magical cornerstone … the subsequent books lift our warlock’s world into the framework of several spellbinding novels. Click here for all of the special $0.99 Kindle e-book downloads!
HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD FOOD FROM CHILDHOOD) by JONATHAN KIERAN
TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: SHOESTRING LICORICE! or “LICORICE LACES”
RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: I have no idea what possessed parents (or grandparents) to purchase this kind of Tangled-Up Edible Wickedness for children. It was probably due to the relentless begging, pleading, screaming and high-octane tantrum throwing — all respectable, finely honed skills at which any child worth his or her sweet tooth excelled on a par with the most prize-winning and peer-reviewed astrophysicist. Woe to the adult who was foolhardy enough to trundle their child into a Stuckey’s or an Ames or some other derelict establishment where this kind of product was displayed like so many gloriously gleaming bags of freshly scalped Muppet hair. If you were a child with any sense of gastronomic discrimination whatsoever, you pulled out all of your best, most time-tested Brat Routines and hurled them at your parents like a whistling barrage of razor-sharp Shuriken Throwing Stars.
You soon scored that bag of Colorfully Candied Colonic Tapeworms and, if you were particularly adept in the Ancient Art of Wheedling, you got more than one bag — sometimes you nabbed enough of the stuff to cover the Entire Corn Syrup Flavor-Spectrum! Sure, Mommy and Daddy may have ground their teeth and thought fleetingly of using some of that newly purchased Purple Grape String to strangle you down in the cellar at midnight and make it look like an accident, but once you had your candy, you gave your parents back a shred of their sanity … at least until you puked globs of green Sour Apple bile onto the bed-sheets or spent the night on the toilet expelling buckets of blood-colored Wacky Watermelon. And friends, that is what inevitably occurred because shoestring licorice was like kiddie crack. You couldn’t eat just one or two strings the length of your arm and be content. No way. You had to finish an entire bag of 225 yards or else playground bragging-rights would be lost forever, and that was a far more frightening prospect than an entire night of Tectonic Intestinal Death-Cramps. What a great candy!
DEFINITIVE QUALITY: Provided hours of flavorful, stringy, non-stop nibbling child-gluttony!
LAMENTABLE LEGACY: The night my poor naive grandparents had to clean-up after a simultaneous Projectile Vomit & Pajama Bottom-Filling “shoestring licorice accident” at a desolate Howard Johnson’s somewhere in the bleak wasteland of Pennsylvania. At midnight. Yessir, yessir, Three. Bags. FULL.
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?: Still being made by some daring confectioners who are apparently undaunted by the more litigious breed of strung-out parents inhabiting this New Millennium.
SPRUCE IT UP WITH A COCKTAIL!: Coil a few green strings into your next refreshing Appletini!
Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if Only for a Few Hours. Get acquainted with the comparatively sane world of Rowan Blaize …
One witty 2,800 year-old warlock. A suspicious storm that hurls him to earth near London. A goddess who wants to destroy the world. The catch? She needs Rowan’s face. REMOVED.
A deliciously twisted magical adventure is born with Rowan Blaize and the Enchanted Heritage Chronicles. Use any of the Rowan Blaize book icons on the upper-right (or use the links below) to learn more or purchase with an enchanted click.
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