Jonathan Kieran

So much of this kind of nonsense is beyond the pale of basic plausibility that there’s almost little point in refuting any of it. I’m talking about the various Christian (and other) “sacred sites” in Israel and Palestine that are related to various Gospel figures and sundry.

The article linked above portends to describe an elaborate tomb dedicated to one of the two midwives who supposedly delivered the infant Jesus in a cave at the third mile outside of Bethlehem. Now, even though this tradition of the midwife (named “Salome”) is indeed archaic, dating at least from the year 150 CE, the idea that, hundreds of years later, after official permission for Christian’s to worship publicly without fear of persecution was granted in the Roman Empire by Constantine, believers would have been able to find, identify, and publicly promote such an obscure “minor character’s” tomb as a place of pilgrimage is ludicrous to the extreme.

Constantine’s mother, Helena, who made a tour of the Holy Land in the early part of the Fourth Century, was lucky enough to at least have toponymic references when it came time to build her great sanctuaries, i.e. the Church of the Navtivity was built in Bethlehem, the Holy Sepulchre Church was built near Golgotha Hill and the gravesite ravine where Jesus was said to be buried. A church for Mary, approached by an angel, was built in Nazareth, and so on and so forth. But these are more obvious, general locales that likely still carried some general memory of the specific events they were intended to honor. People have to remember that Jerusalem was sacked to its foundations in 70 CE and “refurbished” as a pagan backwater, its Jewish citizens largely banished for keeps, in 175 CE. Specific memories of sacred sites and specific locations were very easily confused or lost altogether.

Indefatigable (and gullible) tourists like the Empress Helena, however, were not deterred and kept digging and poking around while religious authorities claiming long memories—and likely harboring more than a passing interest in making a few shekels—helped her find old, buried crucifixes, nails, etc. Well, of course old bits of crossbeam wood were going to be found on the Hill of Golgotha, if one did enough excavation. THAT is where the Roman authorities carried out this very cruel and public punishment. There’s not a shred of guarantee now—and there wasn’t a shred way back then—that any specific cross had actually belonged to Jesus, who was one of hundreds tortured and killed in the infamous spot.

What’s more, Helena’s enthusiasm as a relic-hunter spurred an explosion of P.T. Barnum-like business opportunity after she blew through town and country. All sorts of possibilities arose once tourist traffic was opened wide. That’s why one might find a “holy tomb” dedicated to the second of two legendary midwives who helped Mary deliver the Baby Jesus.

I’m frankly surprised that they haven’t found the holy yoke of the oxen that “were lowing” at the manger, bits of the donkey’s hooves, or, best of all, the House of the Little Drummer Boy (who never even existed outside of a 1960s craptastic kids’ stop-motion cartoon) but give them time. I’m sure the little brat’s drum will be discovered intact, with a signed affidavit in Aramaic alongside his wee skeleton.

Again, a few of the Christian sites in the Holy Land may very well date back to genuinely preserved and utterly archaic memories tied—at least approximately—to the events they commemorate, but most?

As P.T. was reputed to say, “A sucker is born every minute.”

Yeah, yeah, call me cynical. I don’t care.

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