Category: Uncategorized

Who Could Have Possibly Foreseen an Ashley Judd Essay at this Juncture? Mark my words: at Naomi Judd’s open-casket globally broadcast funeral there will be 12 Geese-a-laying, a minor cartel hit, medieval mummers identifying as Post-Structuralist origami artists, dill pickles, Norwegian sailors debating how to best bake a capybara, half a tennis ball, three county-approved tickle fights, the widow of a legless flamenco legend, a mysterious postcard, the extra box of wigs from that storage … Read More Who Could Have Possibly Foreseen an Ashley Judd Essay at this Juncture?

France: Prolapsed Asshole of the West

Nah, nah, nah, nah—this is not really about the results of the supposedly nail-biting battle between Macron and Marine Le Pen. Please. Anyone who is masochistic enough to take a twig and stir it even lightly around the cesspool of French politics has long-known that there’s never been much difference between the sniveling dipshit Macron and the disingenuous, opportunistic Le Pen. Same (but differentially … Read More France: Prolapsed Asshole of the West

For Fans of Divine Smiting …

Yes, this is for real. An EXACT REPLICA of Noah’s Ark—just the way Almighty Big Daddy God commanded it to be built, according to that timeless work of scientific exactitude and geometric infallibility known as THE BIBLE. The resurrected ark is found in Kentucky. It’s over 500ft long and 85ft wide and at least as tall as one of the higher Cherubim with a … Read More For Fans of Divine Smiting …

The Fish Rots from the Head Down There can be no question, now. The repeated words of Moscow Patriarch Kirill as he justifies in spiritual—even apocalyptic—terms the unprovoked aggressions and murders of innocent civilians (women and children!) in Ukraine cannot be misinterpreted. They cannot be “spun” in a positive direction while Kirill is alive or changed by history after he is dead, which is hopefully quite soon. His pontifications leave … Read More The Fish Rots from the Head Down

A Great White Pas de Deux

Great White sharks possess such a chilling sort of nobility as they glide through the oceans—the larger ones appearing almost cumbersome, like stately jet planes or submarines, cruising forward unstoppable, resplendent with hefty elegance and a linear foreboding wrought by some distinct impression of glacial inevitability. At times they appear to be quite aloof in their own environments … yet simultaneously aware, ever-aware. These … Read More A Great White Pas de Deux

Zanzibar Circus 3/17/22

It’s been awhile. Happy St. Patrick’s Day. At least the aliens are green.

My One and Only Bradshaw

There can be little question that I was fated to meet and become a friend of celebrated multi-media artist Robert Bradshaw, whose recent death at age 90 I am now saddened to report. Along with the sadness, I find myself a little bewildered that his passing was not marked with much (if any) public fanfare—Bob had long been an award-winning stalwart of both the … Read More My One and Only Bradshaw

What’s Behind Door No. 3, pray tell?

This new piece from San Francisco Gate states that it is now less-expensive to go to Paris than it is to tool around Disneyland in California. So, basically, they’re saying it makes more economic sense to visit a dump than it does to get taken like a chump. Neither option appeals at this time, thank you. Let’s rearrange the playing board. How does New … Read More What’s Behind Door No. 3, pray tell?

Come Back to the Five-and-Dime …

Hard to believe, but on February 22, 1879, an enterprising merchant named Frank Woolworth opened his first namesake “five-and-dime” store amid the wintry streets of Utica, NY, having no clue that his brainchild would, by 1979, form the largest chain of mercantiles on the planet. Vending everything from roasted peanuts to tchotchkes to saltwater taffy to dry goods, Woolworth was about as emblematic an … Read More Come Back to the Five-and-Dime …

Nunsense and Big Screen Dreams

Initially, I was going to write a snarky article about the two nuns in Southern California who embezzled from the private Catholic school they were running in order to go on luxurious gambling vacations together. The old battle-axes robbed working people to the tune of $850,000 by setting up a Very Special Sister Slush Fund to maintain their less than immaculately starched habits. (Ha … Read More Nunsense and Big Screen Dreams

When in doubt, go back to Byzantium

Life currently sucking a lemon? World off its nut? Feelin’ LOW? Get thee hence to Byzantium, or what memories are left of it, via John Julius Norwich’s classic A Short History of Byzantium. That’ll put some starch in your goddamned undergarments. Trust me. Just keep knives away from your tongue and red-hot pokers from your eyes. Also, do not name your son “Constantine” or … Read More When in doubt, go back to Byzantium

Of Course There is Hope for the Human Species

Today, January 7, 2022, I have the pleasure of informing readers that the leading or most “trending” search by countless millions of humans utilizing the gargantuan powers of the Google behemoth is: Dr. Pimple Popper Popping Blackheads How encouraging to know that a significant segment of the globe’s population is reverting to old-fashioned, wholesome forms of amusement amid these troubled times. Ah, Google. The … Read More Of Course There is Hope for the Human Species