Jonathan Kieran

Those greedy orcas near Cape Town, South Africa, are at it again. Port and Starboard, a conniving pair of killer whales with a predilection for ripping apart various shark species and feasting upon their livers, recently mangled the hell out of numerous sevengill sharks in Mossel Bay. After procuring the favored delicacy from their bodies—without the recommended accompaniment of fava beans and a nice chianti—Port and Starboard left the carcasses to wash-up on the beach. Hannibal Lecter has nothing on these wantons, I say.

Talk about wasteful. At least humans will cook and eat the rest of the fattened goose after they manage to extract enough liver to spread a delectable slick of foie gras on a cracker for their gustatory jollies. These orcas, however, are not practicing sustainable forms of farm-to-gullet dining and should therefore be canceled. Or possibly maimed by other, toothier denizens of the sea.

Researchers also scored some fascinating photos of Port and Starboard trying to prey upon a much larger Great White Shark, though without apparent success. The Great White in this case was large and perhaps a bit too much for the greedy Oreo-colored gastronomes to manage; evidence from the same area in 2017 indicates that adult Great White Sharks are indeed capable of evading or fending off predatory orcas.

Perhaps a nice big chunk bitten out of Port’s tail muscle or Starboard’s nose would discourage these wasteful sea-fatties from going after the smaller sharks to satisfy their craven desires. Great White Sharks are capable of feeding frenzies, after all—just watch ‘em gather around the bobbing cadaver of a humpback whale and go at it like a bunch of starving lumberjacks at an all-you-can-eat pancake buffet.

Maybe the local Great Whites in Cape Town need to hold a crisis conference, gather in force, and go all West Side Story on these orcas’ asses. It might make for a good Disney animated musical and Disney could sure as hell do with some fresh material. Screw the Nemo sequel they’re probably working on as we speak.

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