Jonathan Kieran

Drifting off to Slumberville, propped against headboard and pillows in my summery bed, iPad and Amazon Prime film selection at the ready on a nearby console, I finally got around to watching the 2010 version of the old “classic,” Clash of the Titans.

I had grown up with that clever but sometimes effects-challenged story of Perseus, Andromeda, and the battle to stop the terrifying Kraken monster from destroying (in the case of this film) the city of Joppa due to perceived insults directed at the gods of Olympus.

The old film starred, among others, British heavyweights like Sir John Gielgud (Zeus), Maggie Smith (Thetis), Ursula Andress (Aphrodite), Burgess Meredith, and the lesser-weighted newcomer Harry Hamlin as the toned and tanned demigod son of Zeus—born of one of the divine pantocrator’s numerous flings with nubile damsels of Earth.

The film was popular as a child being raised in the 1980s because it appeared quite often on TV and possessed all the things kids have forever enjoyed contemplating: monsters; heroes; myths; battles of Good against Evil; imaginary creatures, and so forth. The movie was made around the time that older stop-motion animation techniques from the venerable Stan Winston school of cinematography were beginning to give way to far more realistic designs and innovations. For these reasons, the legendary beasts in the film (almost all of them necessarily depicted on a mammoth scale compared to actors and sets) had a somewhat rubbery, herky-jerky quality that detracted a bit from the overall impact and continues to make the flick a tad dated and even silly in parts.

But the story was linear, sensible, engaging, coherent, and charming. The acting, given the hallowed ensemble mentioned above, was certainly above-par for a sword and sorcery movie. You haven’t experienced fantasy cinema until you see Maggie Smith’s head fall off the top of a colossal marble statue, bobble a bit on the floor of a temple, come to life, and pronounce a withering curse on an arrogant mortal queen.

Even so, if any beloved film from childhood might be an ideal candidate for a remake, Clash of the Titans was one such film, if for the opportunity to improve upon the slightly underwhelming special effects alone.

Well, the producers of the 2010 version improved upon the effects. They are more than up to speed for the era of CGI and the sets and cinematographic flourishes are sweeping in scope and rife with splendor.

Another pantheon of big name actors was also assembled for this redo: intimidating Liam Neeson (Zeus), Ralph Fiennes (Hades), They Guy Who Played the Main Guy in Avatar (I can never remember his name, and he plays Perseus here), and Luke Evans (who speaks all of four words in his role as Apollo).

A linear, sensible, coherent, and engaging story, however, was not brought to the table for this ultimately drab recreation. The movie plays out like so many other films produced and made from about 2004 onward—like the cobbled-together, fragmented bright ideas of people with serious attention-deficit issues and no sense of compelling narrative fluidity, much less a snappy script.

I made it through the film to the end credits but rolled my eyes without even intending to do so when the screen went blank.

If you haven’t seen the newer iteration, stick with the older version and the Kraken that looks like a concoction of Play-Dough and a paint by numbers kit. You’ll thank me, at some point. Yes, you most assuredly will, by the Gods.

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