Jonathan Kieran

Especially when you mess with her Panhandle. RIP to the lost.

Riptides are terrifying (I have been caught in a couple of them) but the key is to counter the natural urge to panic, float a bit with the contrary current and swim “out” of it in a sideways fashion … even if a broad rip current is still taking you farther out. Do a leisurely backstroke atop the buoyant briny, if you like. Relax. The sea will uphold you if you don’t fight it.

Soon, you will find yourself out of the retreating current and back in the shoreward good graces of regular currents. You will already begin to feel precious relief. Conserve your energy and ride those natural currents back to shore and, the moment your feet touch sand at hip-deep level, walk your way out of that tricky, fickle Mother Ocean’s grasp and turn around, arms akimbo, and spit in her salty eye. You’ve made it!

If any of the bull sharks or tiger sharks that frequent those balmy Gulf waters should maul you while you’re working your way safely back to shore, however, scream bloody murder, waft a prayer to the heavens, and, if things get really bad, just disregard all of the above advice and fight like hell. Let adrenalin run the show in violent, full-body spurts.

RIP, water-babies. May your loved ones be comforted. Seriously.

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