Jonathan Kieran

What the hell is with the exponentially slavering obsession with bestowing bigger, badder, freakier Baphomet-style horns on every freaking fantasy/horror creature or character in today’s already horn-glutted entertainment culture?

I’m barely recovered from years of seeing wraith-waisted Angelina Jolie’s ginormous bobble-noggin’ sporting that asinine Devil-antlered BDSM headpiece from those “child-friendly” Malignant or Maladjusted or Malevolent or Malediction movies, or whatever the hell they were called.

That monstrosity ought to have snapped the popsicle stick of her neck on the first day of shooting, though I suppose it was probably stuffed with Fluffer-Nutter spread and there were at least forty acupuncturist/aromatherapist/chiropractic adjustors on set to rejuvenate her when she fainted from the rigors required to hold that headgear upright AND generate the mangled Slavic/Pseudo-Iranian accent she trundles out for nearly every exotic film role she attempts.

But forget Jolie. The need for bigger, nastier, earth-crushing HORNS on every fantasy beast is getting to be a bit much. There’s some psychologically twisted and civilization-damaging undertone to all of this and, given the hyper-stress of today’s overcrowded Borderline-Planet, I frankly don’t want to ponder what that undertone might be. For the moment, I prefer to complain idly.

And the weird phenomenon doesn’t apply to horns alone, when it comes to over-baked monsters. Look what the Japanese have done to the latest iteration of Godzilla, for Jupiter’s sake! In five years he’ll be a goddamned sea urchin!

I can’t. Bring Ray Harryhausen back, STAT!

[Look for Jonathan Kieran’s fabulous new—as yet untitled—book of hundreds of witty, cynical, zeitgeist-rocking, and knee-slappingly clever cartoons of Pure Smartassery in 2024! Stay tuned for developing news and previews.]

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