Jonathan Kieran

Just when I thought cockamamie Roman Catholic devotional scams couldn’t get any greasier, here comes Our Lady of the Perpetual Pizzas. (That what I have dubbed this “Lady,” anyhow.)

I have observed some truly asinine private devotional phenomena geared toward the Mother of Jesus in my time—Our Lady of Fatima, Our Lady of La Salette, Our Lady of Bayside, Our Lady of Garabandal, Our Lady of Medjugorje, Our Lady of Watsonville (right here in California, where an old wood-wart on the side of a gnarled oak tree enthralls crowds of morons because the wart “looks” like the Virgin Mary!—but Our Lady of Perpetual Pizza has got to take the proverbial cake … or pie, in this instance.

Boiling-down the insanity, we have some questionable Italian woman who visited the ecclesiastically condemned Marian “devotional” site of Medjugorje in Bosnia. Therein, she purchased a statue of the Virgin and brought it back to her hometown in Italy, whereupon the statue began to weep “tears of blood” (one of a Virgin Mary statue’s most signature parlor tricks) AND perform her own version of the Gospel tale’s “loaves and fishes” incident. In this appropriately Italian context, the Virgin provides (miraculously!) a never-ending supply of PIZZA for hungry and devout visitors who flock monthly to the Italian woman’s windy hillside home.

Forget the fact that the woman promoting these hijinks has already been on the hook (allegedly) for financial fraud in the past—she has already established an official “charitable fund” in honor of her blood-blubbering, pizza-cookin’ Virgin Statue. The donations made to her literal meal-ticket (some of them substantial) have already been called into question regarding their ultimate purpose and destination. (Gee, right into Mama Mia’s personal bank account? Pffffffft!)

To top it all off—I really can’t resist the pizza allusions, here—it has been reported that scientific tests undertaken on the Virgin Mary statue’s “tears” reveal that the substance she is exuding from her lifeless eyes is, in fact, PIG’S blood! Well, Protestants often complain that Mary loves to HOG the limelight from her son, Jesus, after all. Why not? If this hoax were taking place in France, I suppose the Virgin in question would be whipping-up bountiful supplies of boudin-sausage for peckish pilgrims. You’d think, however, given the Italian locale and the sacred statue’s alleged propensity for procuring pizza in perpetuity, this particular Mary would be weeping tomato sauce.

There’s a sucker born every minute, folks, especially in the world of Roman Catholic chicanery. No wonder people become atheists so easily in this day and age.

READ IT AND WEEP, people of 2023, but if you start crying pig’s blood, it might be wise to see a specialist. Maybe even a WITCH DOCTOR.

[Look for Jonathan Kieran’s fabulous new—as yet untitled—book of hundreds of witty, cynical, zeitgeist-rocking, and knee-slappingly clever cartoons of Pure Smartassery in 2024! Stay tuned for developing news and previews.]

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