Jonathan Kieran

The Phoneutria species of South American spiders are large, Ctenid wandering hunters who prowl the forest floors and trees for all sorts of prey: roaches; lizards; birds; frogs; small snakes; etc. They have long been known to harbor, milligram for milligram, the most toxic venom (and largest venom glands) of any spider known on the globe and—sorry, Sydney—that includes the infamous Funnel Web Spiders of Eastern Australia.

The Phoneutria species are a swift, aggressive genus of spiders well-known for their serotonin-rich, toxic bites, which are sometimes inflicted over and over again as the spider lashes out at potential threats with fearless and relentless abandon. Though these spiders are likely to preserve their venom and deliver more “dry” bites than fully loaded ones, a complete envenomation by one of these gangly, hairy beauties is cause for immediate hospitalization; death can occur within minutes or hours. The pain resulting from these venom-cocktails is said to exceed burning alive. The medical journals contain one particular terrifying incident wherein two young children were killed in the same night by the same Phoneutria spider in Brazil when it crawled underneath their bedsheet and ended-up biting them both as they moved during sleep. The poor kids were dead by dawn.

These spiders are called “banana spiders” due to their penchant for hiding and hunting amid banana clusters on South American farms and also “Aranha Armadeira”—the “armed” or “galleon” spider due to their defense display. When cornered or threatened (or simply when they feel like it), the Phoneutria spider will rear-up on its hind legs, display its bright, red-haired chelicerae and enormous fangs spread wide, and raise both of its comb-daggered forelegs high into the air, weaving back and forth in a warning dance intended to make bothersome interlopers think twice about giving them any trouble.

They are also expert leapers and runners: women in South America who try to defend themselves against this arachnid with trusty broomsticks have often been rewarded by the spider leaping onto the handle and scuttling with astonishing speed upward to attack. (One can only imagine the screaming and running in mad circles that follows such nightmarish scenarios.)

In a few words: the Phoneutria spiders are BAD NEWS. Of course, they play an important role in their ecosystem and an antivenin has been available for these ill-tempered critters since the 1980s, but wanderlust mating habits and the spiders’ propensity to hide in dark, shadowy spots during the day (like a pair of shoes or evening slippers) make for frequent human encounters.

No one in South America wants them anywhere near their homes, to put things mildly.

That said, these spiders (like many with potent neurotoxic venoms of potential medical importance) are now being studied by the pharmaceutical companies due to one more “special feature” that results from unfortunate “accidents” involving certain bites. Indeed, one of the primary side effects of a Phoneutria bite in male victims of all ages is priapism: excruciatingly painful erections lasting hours at a time. Of course, drug companies are keen to isolate the various peptides in Phoneutria venom that trigger this telltale response, alter the molecular structure of the specific toxin responsible, and produce a medicine that can enable more males to have more sex successfully—just what the planet needs.

Basically, one day, a spider that can totally ruin your life in a heartbeat just might be responsible for the most memorable night of your romantic life.

Nature is Weird and She KNOWS IT.

[Jonathan is busy writing and illustrating and finishing a whole slew of projects in preparation for upcoming major releases. Don’t expect a helluva lot of bloggin’ to get done unless something really strikes his fancy. Be patient. Marvelous things are on the way.]

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