Jonathan Kieran

I shall let it be known right now: I do NOT like orcas, killer whales, or “Black Fish” or whatever you want to call them.

When hunting, these tubby meanies of the ocean are known to practice ongoing cruelty against their prey—something only the most Deliverance-level hillbillies might endeavor to do. (No, don’t watch that movie. It’s highly overrated, just like Burt Reynolds.)

Orcas will snag a seal, for example, a 200-lb flipper-limbed cutie just trying to scarf a living from the thankless briny and find a sun-baked rock upon which to bark, and these ‘roided-out dolphins will toss the seal into the air with their tails, just for jollies, before they kill it!

They do the same to beautiful, noble, compassionate bottlenose dolphins, too!

Killer whales are the Douchebros of the Sea.

You heard it here, first.

I am a Great White Shark sympathizer, as some may perhaps know. Great White Sharks have been known to do some … moderately gruesome things to prey like tuna, salmon, grouper, humans, giant squid, dolphins, swordfish, humans, turtles, seals, humans, sea lions, humans, and humans—but they never play with their food for sheer kicks and they always disembowel, eviscerate, or swallow whole their nutrition toute de suite!

Killer whales in packs have taken a liking to Great White Shark livers, if you must know, and I do not like that orca-habit one bit. Particularly when orcas go FULL DOUCHEBRO and gang-up on a large, 16ft male shark.

That kind of behavior really gets my kettle whistling!

These wasteful Double Oreo Cookies of the Crashing Waves only suck out the shark livers and leave allllllllll the rest behind.

Not sustainable! Not sustainable! Not Sustainable!

Eco-unfriendly! Eco-unfriendly! Eco-unfriendly!

Climate deniers! Climate deniers! Climate deniers!

If you haven’t yet caught my drift, I am attempting to contextualize and redefine orcas in media-savvy terms as Everything Trendy Activists Should Despise.

Just you WAIT until I get Greta Thurthenberger aligned with my cause. One scolding glance from her FAS champagne-commie noggin and killer whales will soon be hunted with nets of steel, filleted, and barbecued at all the finest Hawaiian luaus … and throughout Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, for sure.

Don’t worry, Great White Sharkies. Papa is doing his best to distort media against your vital organ-suckers. Hang tight.

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[A scintillating new shocker-of-a-novel by Jonathan Kieran is slated for major release in Spring 2024 so clear your calendars, book lovers. This one is built for speed. Stay tuned for more … ]

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