Jonathan Kieran

People who have become accustomed to entering an ocean habitat for which they are ill-equipped to maneuver without complex protective mechanisms (e.g. mini-submersible cages, etc.) need to get something through their thick heads:

Great White Shark populations are being replenished to healthy numbers, globally. Large sharks capable of mauling and even swallowing humans for an easy meal are out there in greater numbers. If you are unprotected in their natural habitat with a hungry great white shark or tiger shark nearby, you are likely going to die or be maimed for life. Full stop.

During the meager blip of 150 years in which these majestic and important apex predators were pointlessly hunted as trophies or affected by rampant overfishing of their natural prey, humans had the luxury of inventing various new water recreations and activities. LUXURIES. In that itty-bitty window of time, humans concocted these “pleasure-endeavors”—surfing, snorkeling, free-diving, diving, kayaking, paddle-boarding, etc.

Sharks have been around for over 100 million years.

It’s absolutely tragic when a human just trying to make money by gathering scallops for local Mexican restaurants is eaten alive during the effort, but it is not surprising in the least that this happens. If you go gathering mushrooms gaily for your spaghetti sauce in the Northern Californian wilderness and attract the attention of a hungry mountain lion or a territorial bear, don’t expect to be straining pasta that night. (And a fair percentage of the time, humans are not even bright enough to pick the non-toxic mushrooms.)

I am firmly on the side of conservationists who fight to protect these crucial animals, predators that maintain healthy ocean ecosystems and which have every right to exist without undue encroachment upon their habitats.

Find new recreational hobbies or risk the trouble you are essentially begging for. Forage for mollusks in cumbersome protective cages. Go vegan. Whatever.

You know, a person can have an episode and drown in a few feet of ocean water, too. Should we rid the earth of ocean water because it gets in the way of our little pleasures and pass-times?

I must also say that I scoff loudly at those disingenuous marine bio-nitwits who insist to the masses that “sharks are not at all interested in eating you—if they bite humans it’s a total accident! A case of mistaken identity!”

BULLSHIT.

You’re an easy snack swimming unprotected in the habitat and (more importantly) the vicinity of a large, hungry shark. They won’t turn down an easy, clumsy meal. Humans certainly do not.

I understand what some conservationists are doing by peddling this sort of misinformation, but it’s ludicrous on its face.

This is another reason why I despise the Bimbo of the Sea, “Ocean” Ramsey—that undulating Kim Kardashian of the Waves. She makes quite a show out of swimming unprotected with large Great White Sharks as if they are her “friends” and manipulating enormous Tiger Sharks away from her by merely redirecting their snouts. She does this for obvious publicity, but who on earth knows what sprocket or gear has actually gone haywire in her little brain?

Ramsey’s shenanigans are deceptive and dangerous. She swims deliberately with large Great White Sharks that have already gorged themselves into catatonia on whale carcasses, all while she’s in the surrounding presence of protective film crews and speedboats at the ready to scoop her up if something should go wrong. Her activities give the impression that she has some symbiotic, mystical connection with sharks—a connection perhaps enjoyed by others? Go ahead and try it! —but it’s all smoke, mirrors, and egregious narcissism.

Moreover, her intrusive filming crews and their antics actually interfere with and disrupt naturally occurring shark feedings, particularly at the sites of whale carcasses, where large white sharks need to feed in order to maintain their health. All so Ocean Ramsey can try to convince the world that she’s some sort of magical friggin’ mermaid. She isn’t. Though, if you listen to her speak, it’s like hearing the sound of hollow wind cooing in a conch shell. Many reputable marine biologists do not have a high opinion of this woman and I certainly do not, either. Even so, let her risk it. I would not wish catastrophe upon anyone, but one of these days an irritable Tiger Shark will be having none of her monkeyshines and it will all end in salt water … but not the kind of which tears are made.

RIP to the intrepid dead fisherman in Mexico and good luck to the South Australian surfer mauled today, as well.

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[ Delightful new work by Jonathan Kieran is slated for major release in 2024 so brace yourselves and think of England. This stuff is built for speed. Stay tuned for more … ]

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