Jonathan Kieran

I have a “unique” neighbor. Rain from this latest storm has been battering the land for three days and three nights, in a relentless river of heavenly fury that should be enough to drive any mind a bit stir crazy. (Your not-so-Gracious Host is Himself on the edge.)

The lovely darling across the street, however, has been covering her leaky BMW four-door with tarps that do not work in the least beneath this major storm’s barrage AND she is installing a little heater inside the outdoor vehicle overnight, linked to some power source within her garage by a long white extension cord. (No, not even an outdoor-safe, heavy duty cord.) The driveway before her garage door is flooded (just as everyone else’s is) by rolling little streams of water caused by the deluge. What’s more is that my neighbor cannot drive the doomed BMW or her adjacent Land Rover into her own garage because the garage has been packed to the rafters with junk she failed to sell or get rid of for the past two years, at least. Yes, Houston, we have a hoarding situation.

There are a number of easy answers to this baffling dilemma—short of my neighbor electrocuting herself—but she will avail herself of none of these answers. Madame is known in the neighborhood to do things the difficult way, to put it mildly.

If YOU find yourself in a position to own both a Land Rover and a leaky BMW as a single person over fifty, clean out your freakin’ garage by hook or by crook, park your vehicles within, and avoid being electrified into a steaming human sausage with one false move as the water swishes about your ankles, with a live extension cord in your hand, a space heater in the other, and no apparent gray matter in your cranium.

People. I do not understand them, but I am trying to observe a more intriguing specimen—safari-style—with binoculars. It’s the least an investigative mind can do in the rain.

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