Jonathan Kieran

Due to trouble with infrastructure, shortages of food, and, oh, I dunno—maybe the LIABILITIES OF COMMUNISM, a Roman Catholic archbishop in Cuba has actually made a great production of pleading with a garish little statue of the Virgin Mary to provide the nation with:

electricity

food

and FREEDOM.

Now, many of you reading this may think this is a purely symbolic gesture and that the Archbishop is wearing his “Statement Stole” for this particular stunt.

I am here to tell you, however, that the itty-bitty Virgin is probably able to deliver, given the miracle-powers we all know she possesses.

But she WON’T.

Honey, that archbishop can crawl on his knees across glass down the central aisle of the church and beg before Our Lady of the Ridiculously Flared Ballgown until he’s blue in the face, but the Virgin will NOT budge an inch to fulfill his requests.

Why should she?

If there’s a dearth of electricity, SHE certainly is not being affected. Look at that statue. It’s lit up like Times Square in NYC at the height of tourist season! She’s got more ampheres illuminating her pallid maiden-complexion than Carter’s got liver pills.

The Virgin isn’t going to part with a single bit of her hot electric sizzle. If you look closely, she’s carrying a teeny-weeny Baby Jesus off to the side (heaven forbid HE be the center of attention in a Catholic Church of Latino extract) and the slightest parting with even one joule of electrical power would—and I guarantee this—cause the Baby Jesus’s head to get cold and prompt him to shit his diaper, which would then overflow onto Mary’s holy prom-dress.

The Virgin won’t be having any of that.

As for food, the Mary to whom the Archbishop prays is pint-sized and svelte. She hasn’t eaten since 1463, or whenever that statue was carved, so who the hell needs food? If she doesn’t have to eat, why should anyone else need nutrients? Besides, isn’t it the appropriate lot of Catholics to suffer, Suffer, SUFFER and then offer-up those agonies for the Poor Souls in Purgatory?

“You’re damned right it is!” says the Virgin of Guantanamo (or wherever) with extra verve.

And freedom? Please! She’s trapped behind a wall of glass. She can’t even go down to the local market to shop for hair ties, tiara-glitter, or a friggin’ plantain. Freedom, my ass. If a life of electrified, starving immobility behind bulletproof glass is good enough for the Virgin Mary, it’s good enough for everyday Cubans. How dare she be asked to intervene?

(I’m really starting to believe that this archbishop got his Theology degree from some “school” advertised on the back of a book of matches. The hubris!)

——————

#VirginMary #Cuba #FreedomFries #Infrastructure #CatholicDesperation #BadTheology #AuthorJonathanKieran #JonathanKieran #WriterJonathanKieran #CaliforniaLife #OnTheEdge #NewNovel #JonathanKieranTheAuthor #JonathanKieranMusic #JonathanKieranArtist #Jericho #JonathanKieranJericho #JerichoAlbum #WritersOfInstagram #ArtistsOfInstagram #AuthorsOfInstagram #PopCulture #RandomCommentary #SatiricalAttitudes