Jonathan Kieran

Put your heads together over coffee and some avocado toast at the nearest java joint, think really hard, mumble and mutter like High Priests, and finally chant together, in the thrall of an epiphany:

“In the Pacific Ocean, Great White Sharks live, hunt, and feed. Often along the coastlines. Their populations vary in different times and eras. Anything edible that swims in their habitat could be eaten. They have been there for millions of years and, if we don’t intrude and ruin things, they might be there for millions more.”

The folks who lure Great White Sharks in for stressful tagging and special guest gigs on Shark Week are singing the blues because funding for their adventures is being mauled like serrated teeth sunk into the ass of an elephant seal.

The mic drop hilarious line in Newsweek’s article is, “there may be a connection between these budget cuts and California’s $38 billion deficit.”

NO! Impossible.

I know these intrepid sharky folk want to keep their jobs, but, be real: everything boils down to what was written above and the admonition: “Hey, surfer dudes and kayakers. Some truly big Great White Sharks live in these waters, you know. There’s always a chance for danger.”

Raise the money yourselves. Give lectures at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Tour colleges. Create a show for NatGeo. Compose a song that scorches the world’s collective consciousness as aggressively as Baby Shark.

You’ll live.

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