Jonathan Kieran

I have been availing myself of the services of a fine barber for two years. His work has been, overall, outstanding. He is friendly, professional, and aside from his cultish Christian Evangelicalism—he once ran out to my car with pamphlets after my cut and said, “I think these can help you”—a great guy.

I tip EXCESSIVELY.

In my school years, I worked in the service industry: waiting tables, tending bar, barista, the whole schlemiel.

I know how important a BIG tip can be on any occasion, much less from a regular customer.

I have been a regular customer of this gent, as mentioned, for two years. My haircut costs $20. I have always tipped $10 or $15. This barber was just launching his business and, since he did a superb job on my cut and remembered my name, it was a pleasure to overtip him. I had the money to help fortify someone I perceived as growing a new business amid the perpetual California Economic Landslide.

Two weeks ago, I went in for a cut and no one was waiting. My barber’s lunch break was maybe ten minutes away.

He gave me one of the shittiest haircuts I have ever gotten.

Cutting my hair is not a NASA satellite endeavor to Mars.

He knows (and knew) that I always tip handsomely.

He took me for granted.

Even after the bad cut, I tipped him $15, as usual. He was eager to turn the sign on his door for his lunch hour.

Given the slight bum’s rush, I didn’t have time to see and couldn’t see how utterly shitty the haircut was until I got home.

At home, looking at the abomination in my bathroom mirror, I said to myself, Go back and have him fix this fuck–up.

That’s the right thing to do.

Then I paused.

No fucking way.

I have tipped this struggling guy almost 80% for two years. He knows my name. He knows I tip well. He goes the extra mile when I walk in and wait for my turn.

He knows I will smile politely and say, “Oh, thank you for your thoughtfulness” when he rushes out on a Whim of the Spirit and hands me Protestant tongue-speaking pamphlets IN MY CAR, AFTER I HAVE ALREADY PAID AND LEFT THE PREMISES.

No. I decided that I would not go back (a genuine inconvenience), explain to him the OBVIOUS crapfest he made of my hair, and ask him to “fix it” for free.

I discovered that, as affable as I am, as a human being in general, I am not a

GO BACK AND REQUEST IT BE REDONE PROPERLY Person.

No.

I am a

DO YOUR GODDAMNED JOB PROPERLY EVERY TIME SINCE I AM ALREADY AN EASY, HUGE-TIPPING CUSTOMER Person.

Don’t give me the absolute shittiest cut you’ve ever given anyone because you know I’m nice and your tummy is growling for a burrito. And you think I’ll just “overlook” it … or you weren’t even “present” in your own place of business to begin with. Leave your problems or weaknesses at home.

I tip you regularly $15 on a $20 haircut because I know you’ve been struggling to buy a house for yourself, wife, and kid. You mention it constantly. I was happy to contribute.

But it’s YOUR business. Your company. It’s YOU.

Over two years I have patronized the establishment often enough to know that he usually gets $2 or $3 as a tip from beloved, regular customers.

I’ll never go back. I will drive fifteen minutes OUT OF MY WAY to tip another barber. And I will tip well, but not quite as well. The moral of the story is: be amazingly consistent if you own your own business and provide immediate customer services.

Also …if you’re generous and pleasant, people operating their own businesses will SHIT on you because they assume or presume they can get away with it.

Oh, he’s a very nice guy, regular customer, and tips huge. I can … (fuck up/lose attention/write this one off/do a merely mediocre job cuz I want my sandwich, etc.)

Yes, you can do that.

But you won’t get my business again.

Ask your low-Christological JEE-Zuss to fund you. See how that works out.

Entrepreneurs: do every job, big or small, as if your livelihood depends upon it.

Because it does.

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