Jonathan Kieran

“I knew her eyes were blinking because I was staring at her all day!” says one Connie Liptak, of Canton, Ohio, regarding a ceramic statue of the “Virgin Mary of Fatima” that came to the local church on a whirlwind world tour.

There are so many fucking things wrong with that scenario. Let’s have a gander.

First, if some nitwit spends “all day” staring into the eyes of a goddamned statue while in the throes of intense religious devotion, I’d expect a few pink elephants and maybe a monkey playing with a yo-yo to make an eventual appearance, too.

Second, if anyone is AMAZED that a hypothetical immortal being like the Virgin Mary would choose to exert her “miracle energies” and entertain a winner like Connie Liptak by batting the eyelashes of a piece of plaster while children are dying of cancer in the hospital beds at St. Jude’s, then Our Lady ain’t got many tricks up her seamless sleeve. Find a more talented object of idol worship, folks.

Third, how friggin’ desperate have Catholicism and humanity become when a knock-off STATUE is dolled-up like a painted doxie to make a “world tour” for fans, a la Taylor Swift? Let the statue hold a press conference and tell us who she favors in the election. That would be a real sight to see.

Fourth, how in the HELL do I get off this planet of gibbering ignoramuses?

Maybe if I blink my eyes three times, like the Miraculous World-Touring Statue of MARY.

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[ Delightful new work by Jonathan Kieran is slated for major release in the near future so brace yourselves and think of England. This stuff is built for speed. Stay tuned for more. Mr. Kieran is presently working feverishly to complete several works of masterful caliber. Therefore, social media engagement must remain secondary for a time … in favor of actual accomplishment. ] 

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