Jonathan Kieran

A large percentage of Americans have truly lost the plot. I am more convinced than ever. A real prime specimen of our species was keeping deadly exotic snakes in his crappy, feces-stinking apartment in South Carolina, handling them freely and cuddling with them in video clips. Rattlesnakes, gaboon vipers, fer-de-lance serpents, and, most harrowingly, an inland taipan—the most venomous terrestrial snake on the planet.

Well, he effed around and found out. The inland taipan bit the idiot in the wee hours of the morning and, sadly, this pillar of the community survived due to inland taipan venom being flown-in from Florida. He is still recovering in the hospital but is apparently thrilled that he “got” the attack “on video”.

Police discovered that his apartment (which also housed two cats) “reeked of ammonia, feces, and garbage.” The deadly snakes had been stored by this genius in plastic totes. Imagine if any one of these toxic specimens had managed to get out of the apartment and into the community. Any adult or child could have been jeopardized and killed.

It goes without saying that the illegally possessed snakes were confiscated and euthanized after authorities found no zoos or facilities willing to house the reptiles.

It’s only my opinion, but when the dumbass recovers from his bite—if he recovers—a long stay at a state hospital might be in order, as well as a lobotomy. No patience exists here for those who engage in illegal activities that could easily endanger the public, purely to satisfy morbid fixations.

Build asylums. Build ‘em fast.

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[ A new novel by Jonathan Kieran is slated for major international release in March 2025 so brace yourselves and think of England. This stuff is built for speed. Stay tuned for more info. ] 

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