Jonathan Kieran

Apparently, it was quite legal for this dude in South Carolina to own and house ALL of the deadly exotic snakes he sequestered in his stinky little apartment.

But it is illegal to TRANSFER such animals.

Which leads us to the question: Who in the hell “transferred” them to this winner’s fetid abode in the first place … and how?

I think we may not stray far from reason with the presumption that HE purchased them … that he enacted the “transfer,” and most assuredly across oceans, to say nothing of state lines.

Fair enough that South Carolina might not have had anything explicit on the books when it comes to collecting Black Forest Cobras, Gaboon Vipers, Inland Taipans, and Fer-de-Lances (Fers-des-Lances?) and keeping them coiled around the steamy jungle of one’s living room. I could see how such a tableau might have eluded the imaginations of our Southern forefathers and lawmakers.

Given, however, the ongoing and explosive problem of all kinds of invasive species of plants, insects, and animals wreaking havoc upon Southern USA ecosystems, ought not a few folks with functioning brain cells have entertained the basic notion that—OH, I don’t KNOW—exotic troublemakers like DISEASES, snakes, and bugs affecting crops, habitats, and/or human lives can be imported?

As I mentioned before, if you bring an apple off the plane and brandish it at the customs window in Australia, those folks will fine you $1000 on the spot. Are the Aussies quicker on the uptake than us ‘Muricans?

Then again, I’m certain that there are more than a few backwoods houses of worship in South Carolina wherein snake-smooching is part of the holy-rollin’ JEEZISS experience. Maybe this Leibowitz guy was getting ready to start a new Protestant religious denomination. I mean, why should some folks feel they’re so high and mighty because they fiddle with mere rattlers during Sunday services?

Put your Bible where your ass is and lock lips with a taipan or a Gaboon viper! Kiss ‘em right on their shiny little gobs! That’ll prove your sanctity lickety-split. Shove a black forest cobra up Nellie’s caftan while she’s speaking in tongues in the front pew. I promise: she’ll be yammering tongues that have never been tongued in no time at all!

Whatever exotic dances they do with danger, I guess the powers in South Carolina are going to have to come up with some regulations now.

Seriously, have a gander at this nonsense. Metaphoric? Perhaps. Asinine? Indeed.

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[ A new novel by Jonathan Kieran is slated for major international release in March 2025 so brace yourselves and think of England. This stuff is built for speed. Stay tuned for more info. ] 

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