Jonathan Kieran

Black as midnight, eight-legged, hairy, aggressive, BIG-ass spiders with fangs sharp enough to pierce a human fingernail—fangs loaded with venom oozing from their pointed tips. The Australian enviro-authorities are asking locals to collect these meandering arachnids now that Summer is on its way Down Under. Heavy rains are driving male funnel web spiders from their burrows to search for Big Butt Mama-Jama spiders to impregnate.

As they scurry about the garden, many of the males enter homes, fall into pools for a swim, and opt to take naps in cast-off shoes or between the bedsheets. If you happen to be in the pool for a bit of a refreshing splash, a funnel web might just mistake you for a cruise ship and jump aboard, scurrying all the way to your ear, where every spider knows the Lido Deck is located. Yeah.

These cranky critters bite and hold on to your flesh for dear life, so they are capable of infusing the maximum amount of Doom Juice into the bloodstream. Victims unable to secure the antivenin created in 1981 have been known to die in agony a mere fifteen minutes after one of these funnel web Freakazoids sinks its scimitar choppers deep into the target of their umbrage.

Imagine one hanging from your ample rump and you running around in mind-melting panic, unable to shake it loose! (These spiders have been known to bite, latch on, and refuse to let go.) It would take quite a twerk-session to send one of these beasties flying if it gets a good purchase on meatier parts of the human physique.

The workers at the Australian Reptile (and presumably arthropod) Center are apparently running low on funnel web Murder Spit, so everyday folk are encouraged to gather them up, if they can do so safely, and bring them in between nibbles of morning toast, Vegemite and a bit of casual gardening. At the Reptile center, these spiders will be “milked” by professionals. I gather that amateurs are not encouraged to milk any captured funnel webs at home, but the harvesting does seem like a pass-time the whole family might enjoy. Stay tuned.

Hardy folk, those Aussies. Be safe and READ THE ARTICLE for deets.

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[ A new novel by Jonathan Kieran is slated for major international release in March 2025 so brace yourselves and think of England. This stuff is built for speed. Stay tuned for more info. ] 

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