Jonathan Kieran

“Where are you and Archibald going for vacation this year, Pinky?”

“Oh, we have rented a darling pied-a-terre. We are going to the south of France, Marjorie.”

“Somewhere in Italy, my dear?”

“No. The South of France.”

“A house on some delightful isle in the Mediterranean?”

“Good heavens, Marjorie, have you been drinking again? Pass me one of those toothsome fish-paste sandwiches. My goiter is sorely vexed after this drab luncheon. Anyhow, I said quite clearly that we are going to the South of France.”

“But Pinky, the only things ‘south of France’ are Italy and the bloody buggery sea.”

The last and most useful thing that outgoing President Joe Biden might do before leaving office is form a committee to summon a convocation to assemble an office to choose a cabal of the highest scholarly minds at hand and discover where (Oh, WHERE), how, when, and why contemporary humans—especially Americans and Britons—first began referring to the southern region of France as “south of France”. Millions must be spent on this endeavor before Elon Musk trims all investigative powers from the government entirely and chucks them in the loo with a triumphant flush.

As Pinky indicated to Marjorie in our eavesdrop of their dainty meal, “south of France” is literally Italy, the Mediterranean Sea, parts of Spain, and, for all intents and purposes, Africa and Antarctica, too.

When one visits parts of France that are not in the North, East or West of that nation, one is visiting South France, not “the south of France.”

Indeed, if you are planning a trip to Alabama (most unlikely) then you would never tell a friend that you are going to ‘the south of America’ because that friend would have to be easily forgiven for assuming you are off to Costa Rica or El Salvador or some such other destination.

If you proclaim to chums that you are jetting away to the south of Canada, well, you might as well tell them you aren’t going any-bloody-where at all and are remaining in the United States, because that is what lies directly “south of Canada.”

Really, someone of wide-ranging power and influence must rally every resource imaginable to this crucial task or else my addled mind shall find itself slipping off to the South of my Duodenum, and we all know where that is.

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[ A new novel by Jonathan Kieran is slated for major international release in March 2025 so brace yourselves and think of England. This stuff is built for speed. Stay tuned for more info. ] 

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