Jonathan Kieran

Shamu and Blackfish, my ass! WHULL. Remember growing up with all those heart-tugging movies about lonely orcas trapped in the clutches of nefarious sea parks, forced to perform acrobatic tricks and basically tap dance for giddy fat folks in the stands while secretly longing for the freedom of “home” in the open seas? Remember how you’d root for the tow-headed kid who was hatching a plan to liberate the angelic orca from its captors?

HA! Suckers, all of us.

Orcas may have been aching for the seas while confined to theme park pools, but the truth is now revealed about the malevolent inner lives of these Devil Marauders of the Deep! They didn’t want to give up lucrative lives in show biz for the thrill of riding the briny waves. Oh, no. They wanted their freedom to kill Kill KILL!

In truth, of course, most people have long known that orcas in the wild are extremely intelligent pack hunters who live in matriarchal pods and cooperate in highly efficient formations to bring down everything from gigantic blue whales to terrified elephant seals in the most ferocious ways possible. They haven’t been dubbed “killer whales” for naught, right?

Much has been made in recent years about the propensity of orcas to attack, stun, and gobble the livers right out of the bodies of their closest apex predator competitors—Great White Sharks. As a Great White Shark aficionado, I grumble heartily at this reality, but console myself with the understanding that my favorite man-eaters have their own ways of outfoxing those greedy orca bastards. For example, white sharks are smart enough and quick enough to deep-dive en masse in any area where the telltale clicks and inane underwater babble of an orca pod can be heard entering the vicinity.

“Bye, Felicias!” say the sharks. “We don’t need to hold our breath under water like you malicious swimming turds need to do. We’ll just chill down in the dark until you scavengers move on. Smell ya later!”

New discoveries, however, indicate (unsurprisingly) that orcas are adept at slicing and dicing the largest of all fish species into a Family Sushi Buffet! The mild mannered, plankton-feeding whale shark never bothers anyone as it glides slowly through the oceans of the world, and it has absolutely no defenses whatsoever from the wanton butchery of the orca. What an easy target for the bloodthirsty wolves of the sea, who’ll snack on the most defenseless—and cutest—prey imaginable.

It’s stomach turning enough to think about how orcas torment darling little dolphins before biting them in half, flip seals sixty feet in the air just for fun, and swallow sea otters and their babies like furry canapés. But I shudder to imagine the bloody mess that ensues when a pack of these demon-diners tears into a fifty-five foot whale shark. Whale sharks are soft and placid—essentially the “fit-fat mamas and papas” of their ecosystem.

You just know that orcas tear into these peaceful giants like a clan of famished rednecks at an all-you-can-eat ribs restaurant. The tender meat just falls off the cartilage. Blood and guts and fish-grease spread out in a vast, stinky slick as the orcas do their thing, attracting opportunistic gulls to snap-up any morsels uneaten amid the frenzied and hoggish assault.

Yeah, killer whales gotta kill, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. They’re just like … like … well, people, actually.

No wonder I can’t stand ‘em.

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[ A new novel by Jonathan Kieran is slated for major international release in March 2025 so brace yourselves and think of England. This stuff is built for speed. Stay tuned for more info. ] 

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