Jonathan Kieran

1990s Super-Looper-Duperstar and feisty songstress, Shania Twain, appeared to have hit a terrifying snag in her comeback hopes when she was mauled in broad daylight and in front of frantically snapping red carpet paparazzi by a Namibian leopard. The issue of prohibited exotic species entering the California ecosystem has long plagued environmental watchdogs, but an encounter of this nature will surely train the spotlight firmly upon the crisis henceforth.

”An evisceration like this cannot be ignored,” said Capt. Mortimer Langferd of the LAFD Rescue Unit. “I mean, we were first on the scene and it was a total bloodbath. Ms. Twain had been nearly disemboweled and it was almost impossible to extract her from the claws of doom. Most disturbing of all was the high level of shock that had already overcome this beloved singer of trifling ditties. Even as the beast continued to rend her flesh and sink its fangs into portions of her ample buttock, Ms. Twain tried to shoo emergency personnel away, insisting that she had actually chosen to wear this bloodthirsty Namibian beast to the awards show … as a dress!”

”She was definitely off her nut by that time, poor woman,” added Bambi Howlitzer, one of the rescue team members eager to assist La Twain in her moment of peril.

Capt. Langferd attributed Twain’s delusion to severe blood loss and, after tucking a few entrails back into her abdomen, stapling her up, and shooting the relentless beast with a barrage of beanbags, the plucky warbler decided the show must go on. Braving potentially serious complications from the attack and dragging an IV behind her onto the stage, Twain sang her hit The Woman in Me stark naked and even danced, a little, though spectators in the arena were quick to note that there was a serious hitch in her giddyup.

Stay tuned for updates on this tragic story of courage in the face of wildlife run amok.

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[ THE WEDNESDAY BOX, a dark fable for all ages by Jonathan Kieran is slated for international release May 27, 2025. ] 

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