Jonathan Kieran

That’s right—the tagline tells it all: “See them burst out of their clothes and terrorize a town!”

Of course, it is important to note that terrorizing a town plays second fiddle to seeing a bunch of busty, lusty “teens” explode out of their bikinis as they turn into GIANTS. That’s the real hook, believe me. The transformation is enabled by their greedy consumption of a substance called “Goo,” which was concocted by a child-genius/egghead played by none other than little Ron Howard in this craptastic tour de farce.

Oh, Opie, how could you slip away from Mayberry to visit THIS damnable village.

Widely considered by experts to be one of the worst films ever made, this heaving piece of shit has a surprisingly beguiling cast and couple of unique elements to its credit. For one thing, Village of the Giants was lampooned by Mystery Science Theater 3000 quite a while back. On another, entirely personal note, I have a friend/former acquaintance who actually starred as one of the blundering, big-bazoomed “giantesses” in the main cast. I haven’t seen her in years and rather doubt she is leveling entire towns with her humungous mammaries at this stage of life (though one never knows; sagging knockers do what they must) but this celluloid atrocity was part of her Hollywood starlet curriculum vitae and, last I heard, she takes deserved pride in having costarred in a bona fide cult classic. She can joke about it, which is all anyone can ever ask after a disaster of such colossal proportions.

No, I’m not going to say which one she is. I imagine she’s pushing 80 and might not want to be bothered by rabid legions of Bad Movie fans.

I’m sure the flick streaming somewhere on the internets, even as we speak. Rent it with a raft of your drunken friends and create your own ongoing dialogue for a surreal party experience, because heaven knows this film could use some fresh improv. (I’d love to see Neil Flynn of Scrubs/The Middle tackle this H-Bomb.)

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[ THE WEDNESDAY BOX, a dark fable for all ages by Jonathan Kieran is slated for international release July 15, 2025. ] 

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