Wildlife officials warn that excessive temperatures may be responsible for the abundance of waste left behind by the beloved (yet surprisingly dangerous) one-horned ponies and advise hikers and other outdoor enthusiasts to be on their guard. Midge Ballbricker, a San Francisco specialist in Unicornal Intersectionality and Predatory Habits extended a particularly stern warning.
“Unicorns have an image that evokes glee and a sense of magical wonder in most people,” said Ballbricker. “But the truth is that these rare and precious animals are not only temperamental, by nature, but cannibalistic among their own species and prone to attacking and slaughtering small children who find them especially fascinating.”
Ballbricker cautions parents against leaving young ones alone in California back yards, especially while day-drinking. “We have a lot of stay at home moms who enjoy a big box of wine during their morning fixations upon admittedly superb television programs like The View, but as soon as these imbibing housewives pass out on their sofas, sprawled and dreaming of better lives without the men who belittle them mercilessly, their unsupervised children could be victims of unicorn abduction.”
When asked if California youngsters are truly in jeopardy from such traditionally adorable animals of lore and legend, Ballbricker was unambiguous in her assertions.
”Oh, hell yeah,” she affirmed. “When the weather gets hot like this, a unicorn will emerge from its mossy forest cave, half-mad from the stifling temperatures, and enter human communities to impale the first child they find. Sometimes two at a time, if their horn is massive enough. Then they take the poor victims back to their cave and eat them, toes first.”
When asked what parents can do to protect their families, Ballbricker had further words of wisdom. “A particularly malicious unicorn will not only gut a child if given the chance, but some will deposit significant piles of their brightly colored poopy-doops, which have the sheen and flavor of popular candy products like Skittles. (See image of Unicorn Scat above.) This is done to attract and stalk greedy children who are busy gobbling the unicorn feces … unaware that they are about to meet a bloody end. Keep your brats inside, where they belong, anyhow, and think about fencing your yards. The problem should pass once Autumn arrives and the unicorns go into hibernation.
Stay tuned for further developments in this crucial story about unicorn safety and awareness.
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[ THE WEDNESDAY BOX, a dark fable for all ages by Jonathan Kieran is slated for international release January 20, 2026]
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Jonathan Kieran 
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