Jonathan Kieran

Well, well, well. According to the latest available statistics, the Christian denomination which is bleeding followers and adherents the fastest is THE PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH. Around the world.

Between you and me, I saw this coming two decades ago. The Presbyterian (Calvinistic) “faith” was founded upon belief in a Deity who, before Time and Big Bangs, predestined a specific amount of humans to attain heaven and an even GREATER amount of humans to burn for all eternity in seething, crackling fires of damnation, just because “God” said, “Eh.”

As a former Roman Catholic in ministry, I have dealt with my fair share of PRESBYTERIANS over the years. Most of them were successful in worldly pursuits because SUCCESS was a sign of “being chosen before time as God’s favorites.”

But that Ponzi Scheme never really benefitted them after the 20th Century and advancements like, oh … WIDESPREAD READING or, perhaps … LOGIC. Why? Because poor people were not tolerated in their congregations. ONLY successful business-people—who, by being successful, PROVED their pre-selection for Heaven—were welcomed.

I could go on, but Presbyterianism is just this side of Jehovah’s Witless-ism, Mormonism, and Kentucky Rattlesnake Revivalists as far as “viable religions” are concerned.

Catholicism ( East and West) has its issues, but Protestants always fuck things up spectacularly.

And Presbyterians smell like cheap knock-offs of LYSOL. Be forewarned. Yet, since they themselves admit they’ll bore the living shit out of you, don’t worry. The last Presbyterian church on earth to collapse from neglect will collapse upon the last Cadillac salesman on earth and his spawn, sitting shiny and “chosen” before they are reincarnated as cockroaches.

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[ THE WEDNESDAY BOX, a dark fable for all ages by Jonathan Kieran is slated for international release January 20, 2026]

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