Jonathan Kieran

On the VERGE of nervous collapse?!? 

“Moses on a Bicycle, I’ve lost ME title!”

Perhaps fortunately, perhaps unfortunately, I hail from an era wherein, as a child, I understood the term “FERGIE” to mean an allegedly galumphing, copper-haired slattern on TV about to marry a porkpie crown-type person in England. 

Then, some pasty fool was sucking her bunions in public and it was embarrassing because he was clearly stupid and she was flabby and whiter than Moby Dick.

After that, the term “FERGIE” shifted in a major way and referred only to an allegedly untalented, burnt-haired nimrod who showcased a musical group called THE BLACK EYED PEAS.

To my knowledge, no one ever remembered the allegedly whorish OG Fergie because the more visible and relevant than the (allegedly) whorish She-Hag singer of soul-food Pea fame was, and, perhaps, much more worthy of ongoing recognition in a world obsessed with fetid sluts.

What a conundrum we face in this dark hour, when the more recent rock-hog Fergie is nowhere to be found and, suddenly, the Appalachian Granny-Apple face of the mega-shamed ORIGINAL Fergie is making a publicity comeback for MOST of the same reasons that sunk her gigantic, rashy-pimpled fat arse in the first place!

They say that every face tells a story. That countenance is earned in a lifetime. I tend to agree.

——

[ THE WEDNESDAY BOX, a dark fable for all ages by Jonathan Kieran is slated for international release January 20, 2026]

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