Yeahhhhhh, f#$& it. ⬆️ This is what the folks and prestidigitators at the Daily Mail/Fail believe CHER would REALLY look like today … if she lived in a single-wide, smoked three packs a day, and finished-off her supper with a fifth of Jim Beam.
I have to admit, if ever there were a death-knell coming for a sloppy, over-smeared shitstorm like SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, it was CHER performing as musical guest a couple of days ago at age 79, with no apparent purpose or album or major project to promote.
It was obviously a piece of “stunt-casting de resistance.”
Cher has always been and remains likable … at least by me and, in my estimation, by most Americans who have to admit that the old toad has staying power. But her staying power is now being celebrated for what one might call a welcome that has been overstayed. Gypsy magic and lighting candles one-by-one are not the only things that have kept this Dark Lady laughin’ & dancin’ over the decades!
No, honey!
(And DO shut the fuck up: in her variety-show career Cher has appeared as a black woman, a native American squaw, and a host of other caricatures—her “woke-slate” ain’t clean, baby.)
So what does she have going for her at this point? 🤔
Three things:
ONE: A “boyfriend” (possible 46th mega-lover?) more than half her age who is allegedly willing to abrade his organ against her sandpaper-y mudflaps.
TWO: The Queen Mother/Big Daddy of all trans screwballs, CHAZ BONO. Even though one might suspect deficient parenting in this regard, Chaz is a victim-within-a-victim, so that adds 750 points to Cher’s vampiric celebrity lustre. The summit is 800 points—don’t ask me how I know these arcane Hollywood secrets.
THREE: The offspring with the Allman “brother.” Another victim-within-a-victim! Cher has always hit the Daily Double. Her celebrity shall therefore be unbroken as long as idiots populate the earth’s crust and bored hausfraus clip hot dog coupons.
She’s always been a fun singer/entertainer and, before she could no longer move muscles below her eyebrows, a surprisingly compelling actress (Moonstruck, Mask, Silkwood, etc.)
She’s ours and we must gladly own-up to her. But the recent decadence-on-parade at SNL leaves any sentient mind wondering, at least subconsciously …
Who’ll die first? Lorne Michaels or her?
I’m not wishin’ and I ain’t bettin’. Go kiss your greasy old grandmaw if you still got one. That kiss will shudder its way through the mystical communion of crazy old ladies and eventually reach the cheek of Cher, who leads the unholy coven.
It’ll make her day. The Bible tells me so.
——
[ THE WEDNESDAY BOX, a dark fable for all ages by Jonathan Kieran is slated for international release April 28, 2026)
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Jonathan Kieran 
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