Jonathan Kieran

Sweet, Diapered Jeebus! What in the ever-living Hell of Earth is the attraction to this ratty, jaundiced, possibly sociopathic soy-skunk? “Mr. BEAST”? He looks like the offspring of an anemic vegan woman (just before menopause) with tits down to her mid-calves and a mangy burro from Tijuana or perhaps the remotest Louisiana bayou.

If I hear or read the moniker “BEAST” I picture a Jason Momoa or Hulk Hogan type.

This spindly dweeb appears to have been extracted—like a malformed peanut or poorly digested seed—from the abandoned fecal matter of an actual beast, shat along a forested trail, rather than being any legitimate kind of BEAST himself.

What is the appeal? Am I correct in my previous calculations that 98% of human beings are indeed swill-snorkeling idiots eager to sit in easy-chairs and lounge upon bedbud-addled couches to watch programming by this scatterbrained mediocrity while munching, cow-like, upon Doritos and burning their coated tongues upon Hot Pockets?

And let us face it: the career of Howard Dean was summarily squashed (for better or for worse) by his disturbing WOMAN-SCREAM. This “Beast” character possesses a SHE-SCREAM that would make Dean himself go back to the Shrieky Squawking Drawing Board!

Without question, this (in my speculative opinion) creeptastic entity has captured the imaginations of bazillions of Americans—again, no surprise, at this point—and he has made a success of his BRAND of beta screecher-boy, googly eyed overexcitement.

Kudos. The Kardashians did much the same thirty years ago beginning with a piss and sperm video masterpiece and their stench haunts the vaunted American culture to this day. It was incongruous—brazen WhoreBeasts not only capturing the American imagination for a year but for decades?

Now, the Kardashians are REAL beasts (especially the one that looks like Yeti) and if this squelch wants longevity, he needs to consult with those experts.

And don’t tweak me for grabbing at “low-hanging fruit”. People who kvetch about those who snatch at low-hanging fruit are those who recognize themselves in the most drooping, rotting, disgusting portions of the Monkey Tree. So they feign outrage … wishing they were fruit with greater altitude. But they are not. Low-hanging fruit is the first and most sensible fruit to be cut down AT ONCE with a machete so that it can be consumed or simply decay into the Maggot-Strewn Soil of Mother Earth.

Low-hanging fruit needs to be addressed first and foremost before the entire woodland gets a disease. Don’t be fooled by people who are, themselves, “low-hangers.”

Meanwhile, there are a few other things that concerned, intelligent citizens might wish to ponder:

ONE: Begin and spread a petition to rescue that weak-ass neckbeard from the BEAST’s face. It looks like a bunch of confused fire ants trying (and failing) to find their way to a booger-picnic in his kumquat nose. Genuine BEASTS are not worthy of facial hair, however sparse.

TWO: Bend down and kiss your ass goodbye because Armageddon is clearly nearing LAUNCH-STATUS and you may not have time to embrace loved ones, therefore your own anus will have to do in a pinch.

——

[ THE WEDNESDAY BOX, a dark fable by Jonathan Kieran is slated for international release May 19, 2026 ]

#MrBeast #GodHelpUs #TheWednesdayBox #NewNovel #FairyTales #DarkFairyTale #AuthorJonathanKieran #Folklore #JonathanKieran #WriterJonathanKieran #CaliforniaLife #OnTheEdge #NewNovel #JonathanKieranTheAuthor #JonathanKieranMusic #JonathanKieranArtist #Jericho #JonathanKieranJericho #JerichoAlbum #WritersOfInstagram #ArtistsOfInstagram #AuthorsOfInstagram #PopCulture #RandomCommentary