Jonathan Kieran

No, not Paula Deen. She is/was the Miss Magnificent Butter-Suckin’ Fat-Favorin’ Red Hot Mama FROM Savannah for many years before … er … “complications” arose.

She’s still alive and apparently cooking “best dishes and wishes” but the SAVANNAH upon whom I focus now is Ms. Guthrie.

The tragic story of Savannah Guthrie’s 84-year old Mom’s brutal kidnapping has dominated news stories for almost three weeks.

Savannah Guthrie has been a lead anchor and cohost of NBC’s The Today Show for several years and has acquitted herself well: focused; likable; talented; reliable.

SOME spooky dirtbags kidnapped her sweet old MeeMaw and no one has even come close to solving the caper, despite striking “door-cam” footage, DNA evidence, etc.

Trump, who was not favored by the liberal-leaning Savannah in past encounters, offered the full services of the FBI to solve this crisis and reunite a frightened and brokenhearted daughter with her hero … her Mom.

Thus far, it appears (opinion only, not an assertion of fact) that the Pima County, Arizona, sheriff overseeing this horror has basically been playing tiddlywinks with his own nutsack (again, only an abstract perception, not an assertion.)

They’ve gotten nowhere and, according to some outlets, the Sheriff has excluded the FBI from assisting.

Whull.

Arizona has been one of the shittier states in the USA for a few decades, now, even though Ms. Guthrie’s Mama lived in a lovely, fairly secure area.

Her obviously violent removal from her home (her blood spattered on the porch) reminds people from every state, city, and town that your elderly loved ones are vulnerable.

Check in on them.

Americans have gotten lousy at that … although MeeMaw Guthrie’s allegedly “starving artist” daughter and son-in-law live just down the road from her, and the son-in-law, who (in my opinion) looks like a Sopranos cast-reject was the last to see old Mama Guthrie alive.

As usual, LEOs in Arizona seem to have all the sense of Keystone Cops or Larry, Moe, and Curly.

It’s heartbreaking to assert, but the old lady is almost certainly dead.

It’s only my guess, not an assertion, but I think the unsuccessful members of the family are involved.

It is also my guess—not an assertion—that the Pima County Sheriff is about as smart as a wobbling sex-store dildo.

In case anyone is wondering how I might make a comparison, I lived in San Francisco for a year wayyyyyy back in the day and some smarty-pants friends lured me into one of those stores as a “HA HA!” (I’m no prude, but I would have never set foot in such a place of my own volition.) That being said, I saw a boinking dildo in that silly store that was the spitting image of the Pima County Sheriff.

I could be wrong. It’s only a lightning-bolt memory and might be wayyyy off.

But it’s more evidence than the sheriff has got.

Stay strong, Savannah. This will end in harrowing tears, if it ends for you at all.

Also, just a bit of advice … cut contact with sis and bro-in-law.

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[ THE WEDNESDAY BOX, a dark fable by Jonathan Kieran is slated for international release May 19, 2026 ]

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