Lunch-Hour with Bob and Sheila … #MaleficentPresumptions

"So Bob, have you given any thought to the salvation of your immortal soul, lately? What I mean is, have you asked You Know Who to come into your You Know Where and be your personal You Know What?"

“So Bob, have you ever thought about the difference between good and evil and the implications this might have for one’s immortal soul?”

"Hold it right there, Sheila. I don't go in for all that mumbo jumbo about the Bible, and salvation, and Lords and Saviors. In fact you're the last person on earth I would ever expect to turn fundamentalist. Why, only last week you were happily nibbling the earlobes off of helpless senior citizens down at the nursing home. Don't tell me that you, of all people, have found religion."

“Hold it right there, Sheila. I don’t go in for all that mumbo jumbo about the Bible, salvation, and God coming into a perfectly wretched heart and setting up shop like He was opening a damned amusement park for sociopaths. In fact, you’re the last person on earth I would ever expect to turn fundamentalist! I mean, only last week you were happily nibbling the earlobes off of helpless senior citizens down at the nursing home. The health department thought it was rats! That was some exquisite work. Don’t tell me that you, of all people, have now found religion.”

"Who said anything about religion, you ass? I was just wondering if you'd seen the new Angelina Jolie movie, Maleficent."

“Relax, Bob. Who said anything about religion? I was just wondering if you’d seen the new Angelina Jolie movie, Maleficent. I was gonna ask you if you thought it was an accurate portrayal of good versus evil. Sheesh.”

"Oh. Sorry, Sheila. I have seen the movie and that is a fairy tale I can highly recommend. Very accurate portrayal. Forgive me for thinking you'd gotten saved."

“Oh. Gosh. Sorry, Sheila. Well, yes, I have seen the movie and that is one fairy tale I can highly recommend to all viewers. Very accurate portrayal by Ms. Jolie-Pitt. Er … please forgive me for thinking you’d gone and gotten yourself saved. I shoulda known better.”

"Oh, just finish your knucklebone stew and cartilage salad so we can get back to work. I'll pretend you never said anything, as usual."

“Oh, just finish your knucklebone stew and cartilage salad so we can get back to work, you big goofball. I’ll pretend you never said anything, as usual.”


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Jonathan Kieran is slowly withdrawing from contemporary human society in protest against a myriad of offenses against taste and decency, but his epic new novel is slated for release in 2015. Stay tuned for more news about the book in coming months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

A career in anonymous internet commentary? Not for the faint of heart. In fact, it’s best not to even have one.

"A career in anonymous internet commentary? Not for the faint of heart. In fact, it's best not to have one."

“A career in anonymous internet commentary? Not for the faint of heart. In fact, it’s best not to even have one.”


__
Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the book here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Oh, Sheila gonna write a novel like everybody else. #LunchHour

"Can you believe this, Bob? Quinoa & pomegranate salad again for lunch in this stupid cafeteria. I tell ya, these new budget cuts are working my last nerve. I used to look forward to a hot, wholesome meal to break up my dreary-ass day in Accounting."

“Can you believe it, Bob? Quinoa & pomegranate salad again for lunch in this stupid cafeteria. I tell ya, these new budget-cuts are working my last nerve. I used to look forward to a hot, wholesome meal to break up my dreary-ass day in Accounting.”

"I hear you, Sheila. I used to look forward to work when they'd serve those corn-breaded human toe things? Remember? The ones in Béarnaise sauce, where the cartilage would kinda melt through the breading and blend with the butter to achieve this whole intriguing fusion effect on the palette?"

“I hear you, Sheila. I used to enjoy coming to work when they’d serve those corn-breaded human toe things? Remember? The nubbly ones in Béarnaise sauce, that bobbed and floated when the pan got real hot, where the cartilage would just kinda melt through the breading a little bit and blend with the butter to achieve this whole intriguing ‘fusion effect’ on the palette?”

"I know, right? Those were choice! I know a girl in Food & Beverage and she says they used to import those toes. They came from suburban Ontario housewives captured exclusively in Spring and force-fed a steady diet of lentils through the summer."

“I know, right? That menu was choice! I know a girl in Food & Beverage and she says they used to import those toes from suburban Ontario housewives captured exclusively in Spring and given a steady diet of lentils through the summer months.”

"Total loss. Nothing provides that satisfying crunch like Canadian appendages. But I heard there were complaints from some of the limousine liberals in corporate. You know -- issues with the whole caging thing."

“Total loss. Nothing provides that satisfying crunch like appendages taken from Canadian women immobilized and force-fed legumes through a six-inch funnel. But I heard there were complaints from some of the limousine liberals over in corporate. You know — issues with the whole ‘caging’ thing.”

"They can cry me a freakin' river! As if cages are 'cruel.' Those women don't want to move around much anyway. How do people think they go so damned big in the first place? Anyhow, it's not the bleeding hearts. It's the budget-cuts and overseas outsourcing that have occasioned all of this tasteless austerity. Frankly, Bob, I've been thinking of pursuing another line of work."

“They can cry me a freakin’ river! As if cages are cruel. Those women don’t want to move around much anyway. How do people think they got so damned big in the first place? Anyhow, it’s not the bleeding hearts. It’s the budget-cuts and overseas outsourcing that have occasioned all this tasteless austerity. Frankly, Bob, I’ve been thinking of pursuing another line of work. I’m seriously contemplating a career as a novelist.”

"Wow, Sheila, I'm stunned. I had no idea that you were a writer."

“Wow, Sheila, I’m stunned. I had no idea that you were a writer.”

"I'm not, but what the hell does that have to do with anything?"

“Well, I’m not. I can barely spell my own name and the last thing I ever wrote was a poem to my cat in macaroni-art in the first grade, but what the hell does that have to do with anything?”

"Sorry, Sheila. I mean, I know absolutely nothing about that industry, but I always assumed that a certain amount of working experience and innate talent was involved with that sort of process, not to mention a respectable level of editorial integrity and perhaps even a soupcon of humility -- the kind that might be required before daring to proffer a long-form work of literature for public consumption."

“Sorry, Sheila. I mean, I know absolutely nothing about that industry, but I always assumed that a certain amount of working experience and innate talent was involved with that sort of process, not to mention a respectable level of editorial integrity and perhaps even a soupcon of humility — the kind that might be prudent before daring to proffer a long-form work of literature for public consumption.”

                   ?

?

"Oh. So what's your novel about and when is coming out?"

“Oh, I see. So … what’s your novel about and when is it coming out?”

"I don't know, yet, but there's a new service that's lets you enter keyword themes like 'masochism,' 'buoyant,' 'dystopian,' and 'swans,' and then it writes everything according to those crucial choices. It's a maximization of the deep creative abilities I cannot necessarily harness. But the novel will be on Amazon by December, for sure."

“I don’t know, yet, but there’s a new service that lets you enter keyword themes like ‘masochism,’ ‘buoyant,’ ‘dystopian,’ and ‘swans,’ and then it writes everything according to those crucial choices. You see, it’s a maximization of the deep creative abilities I cannot necessarily harness. But the novel itself will be on Amazon by December, for sure.”

"Cool. But you need to write a damn cookbook for this commissary, if you ask me. I just got a piece of quinoa stuck up above the gumline and somebody needs to put a stop to this shit."

“Hmmpf. You need to write a damn cookbook for this commissary, if you ask me. I just got a piece of quinoa stuck up above the gumline and somebody needs to put a stop to this shit.”

"Oh, don't worry, Bob. I have a whole series planned. Cookbooks, fitness, romance, YA -- the works! I'll be picking my teeth with toenails culled from my very own stable  of Halifax housewives by this time next year. Bet on it. Talent is the future of everything."

“Oh, don’t worry, Bob. I have a whole series planned. Cookbooks, fitness, romance, YA — the works! I’ll be picking my teeth with toenails culled from my very own stable of Halifax housewives by this time next year. Bet on it. Talent is the future of everything.”


__

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the book here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Lunch-Hour with Bob & Sheila: The True Face of Monstrosity #Oscars

"So Bob, are you excited about seeing that new Godzilla reboot everyone's been talking about? I saw the latest trailer on You Tube and it's phenomenal."

“So Bob, are you excited about that new Godzilla reboot everyone’s talking about? I saw the trailer on You Tube and it’s absolutely phenomenal.”

"Gee, Sheila, I didn't realize you enjoyed kaiju films. Frankly, they don't do anything for me. I prefer my horror entertainment to be as realistic and as undiluted in sheer depravity as possible."

“Gee, Sheila, I didn’t realize you enjoyed kaiju films. Frankly, they don’t do anything for me. I prefer my horror to be as realistic and as undiluted in sheer depravity as possible.”

"Realistic? These movies are fun because they're science-fiction, Bob. Everybody knows that hideous monsters don't really exist."

“Horror? These movies are science-fiction, Bob. That’s what makes ’em fun. Everybody knows that hideous monsters don’t really exist.”

"Mother always taught me to believe that, but then I saw something on TV the other night. Something so lurid and frightening I was chilled to the very core of my soul."

“I thought so, too, Sheila, but then I saw something ghastly on TV the other night — something so lurid and frightening that I was chilled to the very core of my soul.”

"My God, you're trembling, Bob! What was it? What manner of harrowing creature could have instilled such unmitigated terror in the depths of your being?"

“My God, you’re trembling, Bob! What was it? What harrowing creature from the foul, black mists of a nightmare could have instilled such terror in the depths of your being?”

"Here's a photo of it in my iPhone. Brace yourself, Sheila."

“Got a photo of it on my phone. Here. See for yourself.”

liznips

"Oh my GAWD! I don't know why I have lunch with you, Bob. Now I won't sleep for a freakin' week!"

“Oh my GAWD! I don’t know why I have lunch with you, Bob. And you had to show me this on a day the cafeteria is serving flapjacks, didn’t you? Thanks a lot. Now I won’t sleep for a whole friggin’ week.”

"My mother told me there were no monsters. No real monsters. But there are, aren't there. Why do they tell little kids that?"

“My mother always told me there were no monsters, Sheila. No real monsters. But there are, aren’t there. Why do they tell little kids that?”

"Because most of the time it's true."

“Because most of the time it’s true.”

"Move along, Weaver. This table is taken and we don't need any of your input."

“Move along, Weaver. This table is taken and we don’t need your two cents today. I can barely keep my food down as it is.”

"I can't stand that new girl from accounting. Such a know-it-all. Thank God I don't run into her very often. She mostly comes at lunch. Mostly."

“I tell you, Bob, I can’t stand that new girl in accounting. Such a know-it-all. Thank heaven I don’t run into her very often. She mostly comes at lunch. Mostly.”


_______

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for exciting news about the book here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Lunch-Hour w/ Bob & Sheila … #endisnear

"Bob, my girlfriends and I were talking the other night about the way American society is crumbling at before our very eyes. The culture has become nothing but a rancid river of festering sewage flooding the banks of an already warped paradigm. The zeitgeist is about to burst from its diseased outer-skin and infect all of us with the cataclysmic funk of terminal shadenfreude."

“So Bob, my girlfriends and I were talking the other night about the way American society is crumbling before our eyes. The culture has become nothing but a rancid river of festering sewage flooding the banks of an already warped paradigm. The zeitgeist is about to burst from its diseased outer-skin and infect us all with the cataclysmic funk of terminal shadenfreude.”

"Wow, Sheila, I didn't realize you girls pondered such moral conundrums over Pinot Grigio. I thought heavy topics bored you. I'm impressed."

“Wow, Sheila, I didn’t know you girls pondered such meaty moral conundrums over Pinot Grigio and Chex-Mix. Heavy topics usually bore you. I’m impressed.”

"Thanks, Bob. You'd be surprised to know how invasively the girls and I probe the existential ramifications of widespread sociological degradation. We are likewise determined to do something tangible to stem the fetid tide of vulgarity and callous indifference that surrounds us all like a billowing doom-shroud."

“Thanks, Bob. You’d be surprised to know how invasively the girls and I probe the existential ramifications of widespread sociological degradation. We are likewise determined to do something tangible to stem the fetid tide of vulgarity and callous indifference that surrounds us like a billowing doom-shroud. We want to make a difference!”

"The soup-kitchen downtown is desperate for dinner-hour volunteers every Friday night from six to nine."

“Well, the soup-kitchen downtown is desperate for volunteers every Friday night from six to nine.”

"And miss an episode of the Kardashians? What kind of crazy goddamned idea is that?"

“And miss an episode of the Kardashians? What kind of crazy goddamned idea is that?”


______

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Fall 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads