Mark Your Calendars! To Celebrate Halloween 2013, Jonathan’s wild & witchy All Hallows Eve-themed novel for adults, Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy, will be available for FREE KINDLE E-BOOK DOWNLOAD from 12AM October 27 until midnight October 31! That’s 5 days to scoop up this cauldron’s brew-of-a-tale, set amidst the magical mischief and mayhem of St. Augustine, America’s Oldest City. Click HERE when the time comes and fire-up the imagination (and your Kindle) this Halloween season! See below for more details …
SING IT! (To the tune of the old Andy Williams/Johnny Mathis Christmas song) … “It’s the MOST amorous time of the year! With the leaves that are falling, tarantulas crawling and hearts filled with FEARRRRRrrrrr!”
Yeah, this is the time of year in Northern California when horny male tarantulas start roaming in droves across roads, yards, fields, mountains, plains, high chaparral, parking lots, sidewalks, wild woodlands and through the aisles of WalMart in search of willing mates. Typically, these are shy and retiring members of the arachnid family but they more than make up for their introversion in Autumn with this mass migration to hunt for female affection. Most people brake for small and fuzzy creatures that happen to be in the roadway as they speed home in a feverish daze to catch every scintillating minute of Creeping Up With the Kartrashians, but these particular Small & Fuzzies don’t seem to rate the same courtesy from drivers, unfortunately.
“And take off that brassiere, my dear … because baby, you and me, this night, we’re gonna get it on … to love serenade.”
In fact, it’s rather common to find them smooshed on the roadways, even deliberately so. Pictured above is one lusty little fella who survived the perilous trek across the winding lane in front of my place, albeit with the prompting of a stick. Hey, it was a favor. The gangling things must be overwhelmed with Lady-Spider pheromones because they do tend to ramble aimlessly in dangerous spots. We just gave this one a little help. He was traveling with a buddy, at the time, but it was probably a good idea to separate them, given the fact that they were possibly going to end up competing with each other for the affections of the same gal, waiting somewhere in the shadows of her cluttered silken burrow deep in the forest.
Tarantula-sex itself is a risky undertaking, from what I gather. The males must use their pedipalps, little antennae-like appendages located near their massive chelicerae (that’s “fangs” in the language of Spider-Nerd) to vibrate specific lovin’ sensations to the hiding female, sort of like sitting in a Cadillac at the curb, playing some Barry White and letting the sweet, whiskey-smooth sounds drift through the car window into your Red Hot Mama’s crib in the hope she might be inspired to let you in for a little visit. Just like that, really. In any case, the male tarantula must lure the female out of her nest, placate her with various gifts, tricks, and promises of fidelity in order to approach and then, once they are cephalothorax-to-cephalothorax and carapace-to-carapace, use specially evolved sex-hooks on the tips of his legs to pin Miss Thang’s front-parts all the way back. (Yes, natural selection swings in the BDSM direction from time to time in the animal kingdom). He does all this so she can’t possibly stab into him with her much bigger, more no-nonsense (“Listen, I gotta get back to cleanin’ the house. Ain’t nobody got time for THIS!”) venom-injectors. If the male tarantula gets the female in the right mood, canoodling proceeds apace. Sound familiar to anyone? Uh huh.
Such Herculean efforts do not usually end in Days of Wine & Roses, however. If the male tarantula is even a tad off his game as he disengages, the female will strike with lightning speed and eat him. There’s no time for the post-coitus cigarette, to say nothing of cuddling. Lady Tarantulas don’t care about any of that nonsense. Once impregnated, they know they’ll have several hundred kids to feed in a few months, so a meal at-hand is a meal at-hand, even if it happens to be your one-night stand. Of course, this “I’ll Die for Some Action” attitude serves an important purpose in nature; the nutrients that Mama Tarantula obtains from poisoning, masticating and ingesting the body-juices of her mate will go a long way toward much-needed child support when the egg sac needs to be decorated and such.
So, rock on, little tarantula-men, rock on. Get your groove on with honor and eager anticipation, knowing that somewhere out there, the girl of your dreams is waiting to greet you, meet you … and eat you.
I just love Autumn. It’s so … symbolic.
Jonathan Kieran’s (as-yet-untitled) new novel, an epic supernatural thriller, is now finished and slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.
Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …
Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …
Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.
Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)
Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.
Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.
Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
Barnes and Noble
Rowan Blaize Official Website