Pop HazMat Alert: Don’t “Pet the Dolphin”!


HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: 3 Killer Commando Dolphins from Ukraine on the Loose

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 2 & 1/2. Negligible, particularly if killer dolphins are armed with mines and speeding toward infamous Carnival Cruise ship, Triumph, AKA “Fabled Floating City of Fecalopolis.” Potential for positive cultural contribution significant.

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Lovable sea-mammals, approachable in New Age “swim-with-the-dolphins” pseudo-spiritual encounters, can likewise be trained to disembowel humans with Blades of Slashing Death affixed to snouts. Occasionally, these echolocating Agents of Assassination escape frigid Ukrainian waters and probably head to Florida.

EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: Miami vacations spoiled by great crimson pools of human chum.

TAKE-AWAY QUOTE: “The dolphins are highly trained, intelligent and can strike anywhere.” (Told ya)

THERAPEUTIC CINEMA: The Day of the Dolphin (1973) starring George C. Scott

MUSICAL REHAB: Theme song from TV’s immortal Flipper series. Suggested lyric changes that may cycle intrusively through your mind for the remainder of the week: “They call him Flipper, Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning. No one, you see, kills swifter than he … And you know Flipper lives in a world full of wonder, to slash your guts under, under the sea.” SING IT.

DETOX DINNER: Extra-cheesy casserole made with Bumblebee (“dolphin-safe”) tuna. Don’t forget the peas.

FURTHER READING: 6 Facts You Never Knew About Dolphins.

Brightbourne Media is hosting a special promotion on all three of the Rowan Blaize books in my Enchanted Heritage Chronicles Series. In fact, all three books are FREE for download to your AmazonKindle from now until March 15. Click on the links below to investigate and, no, there are no marauding dolphins featured in any of the books. There may, however, be a few magical bull-alligators and a bit of blood, here and there.

Rowan Blaize: Book One of the Enchanted Heritage Chronicles

Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy: Enchanted Heritage Chronicles Book II

Rowan Blaize and the Starbane Exile: Enchanted Heritage Chronicles Book III

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