HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: North Korean Film Claims Americans Eat Snow, Live in Tents, Shoot Children

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT:6.5 = Significant, particularly if North Koreans derived this intelligence from Dennis Rodman (see photo above).

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: North Korea, a nation with an infrastructure held together by masticated wads of Kleenex, several rolls of used Saran wrap and three tattered old Air Jordan shoestrings, is allegedly producing propaganda films suggesting that the United States has reached levels of dystopian ruin on a par with The Walking Dead. Aforementioned cinematic efforts also insinuate that our coffee-products are inferior, bird-life doesn’t stand a chance of survival in America and that Republicans actually exist in the state of Oregon.

EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: No ramifications, because the North Korean film-makers have the gotten the facts entirely wrong. Americans eat children, shoot at tents and live in snow. (I mean, hello?)

TAKE-AWAY QUOTE: “You’ll see there are no birds. They have been eaten by the people who live in these tents and corridors.”

THERAPEUTIC CINEMA: Combover: The Movie (2005) … This one’s for you, Kim Jong Two

MUSICAL REHAB: “Excellent Horse-Like Lady” by North Korean pop star Hyon-Song-Wol

DETOX DINNER: “Mom, can we have BOSINTANG tonight?!”

FURTHER READING: Escaping North Korea by Mike Kim

(photo courtesy of BET.com)