HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: World’s Largest Saltwater Crocodile in Captivity Dies in the Philippines

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 7 [Reports indicate that the recently deceased tourist-attraction will be stuffed, shellacked, and replaced with two more animals destined to be taunted with stones, coins, and loogies until they, too, will themselves to perish after years in bleak captivity.]

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: “Lolong,” a 20ft. saltwater crocodile reputed to be world’s largest in captivity, finally got sick of eating malnourished ditch-rats on command while grinning for hordes of sweaty tourists and perished in the Philippine town of Agusan del Sur. Estimated to be over 50 years-old and weighing-in at 2,000 pounds, Lolong’s belly was observed to swell with a telltale “death bloat”, as if having swallowed a diseased platypus or perhaps even one of the lesser Kardashians — hairy, deformed-looking mammals likewise known for the potency of their venom and the ability to cause immediate gastrointestinal distress at a mere glance. Gargantuan croc subsequently flipped-over to drown in the throes of its own misery, not to mention its dismally fetid and shallow pool. Veterinarians summoned to no avail. Defibrillators and ancient Philippine remedy of “submersion in lukewarm water” prove useless. Nation in mourning.

EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: Unfortunately, residents of the town of Agusan del Sur were genuinely heartbroken at the loss of their captive croc, which had revitalized the community as a tourist attraction and source of civic pride. Their previous source of vitality and civic pride remains unclear at this time. On the bright side (for villagers) two newer and relatively sizable saltwater crocodiles are being transported to Lolong’s former Palace of Reptilian Splendor (i.e. dank concrete sluice) and it appears that the population of Agusan del Sur shall not crumble in a landslide of economic ruin, after all. It should be noted that Lolong was captured in 2009 after a child was killed and a fisherman went missing. Thus, when shedding tears for Lolong, let them be … crocodile tears. Circles of life often assume oblong shapes.

TAKE-AWAY QUOTE: “I’ve come to love that crocodile.” (Mayor Edwin Elord)

THERAPEUTIC CINEMA: Lake Placid (1999) starring Mariska Hargitay and Betty White

MUSICAL REHAB: Imelda Marcos, ousted Dictatrix of the Philippines (who owned several pairs of shoes fashioned from the skin of Lolong’s ancestors), sings in honor of her favorite leftover dinosaur, husand Ferdinand. Bellissima.

DETOX DINNER: Barbecued Crocodile Steaks with Asian Flavors (Check your exotic food-supply market for Asians. BUY LOCAL!)

FURTHER READING: The Australian Database of Known Crocodile Attacks

(photo courtesy of AFP)