HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Science Fiction Comes Alive as Researchers Grow Organs in Lab

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9.5 (Catastrophic) There is every likelihood that, given current trends in abhorrent human behavior, human organs could soon be grown and packaged as popular snacks and “What’s for dinner tonight?” solutions, rather than for medical purposes.

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Scientists are using industrial detergents to basically frazzle-fry parts of dead human bodies and are then using the gray, globby, gelatinous leftovers to “grow” things like noses, ears, esophaguses (esophagi?), arteries, and tear-ducts in jars. These parts are then used to replace the diseased or missing organs of living humans.

EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: While these scientists want you to think that mass-market “organ-farming” will help sick humans and put the kibosh on reprehensible things like the harvesting of organs from murdered Brazilian street orphans, one expects that they’re lying and that the ultimate purpose of this work is to grow even more enormous breasts. That is always the (hidden) ultimate purpose of science. One suspects there will one day exist vast “boob farms” and that consumers shall one day be able to choose from “Hickory Farms Honey-Glazed” and “Nature’s Own Sustainable/Organic” organs. Either way, there’ll be a price to pay for admission to the ole Slippery Slope.

TAKE-AWAY QUOTE: “Nose scaffold for clinical use. Do not touch. Thank you, Lola.”

THERAPEUTIC CINEMA: Young Frankenstein (1974) starring Gene Wilder, Teri Garr

MUSICAL REHAB: “My Skin” by Natalie Merchant

DETOX DINNER: Grilled Sweetbreads

FURTHER READING: Doctors from Hell: The Horrific Accounts of Nazi Experiments on Humans

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~I have written a new series of contemporary fantasy/horror books about a cynical 2,000 year-old sorcerer stranded among mortals and forced to feel sympathy for humans when a nasty goddess plans a mass-extermination. You know … one of those “everyday” occurrences. My warlock’s name is Rowan Blaize, the books are the kind that adults (and even young adults) will find fiendishly delicious in that mythical Star Wars-y universal Good vs. Evil sense (with some twists, I admit) and you can buy them here, at Amazon, in Kindle or paperback format, a mere click away. Enjoy, and let me know what you think. I care. – Jonathan Kieran