HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD MUSIC): WORK that Monkey-Coat Right ‘Round!

Pete Burns, lead singer of Dead or Alive sporting a natural evening "look".

Pete Burns, lead singer of Dead or Alive sporting a natural evening look.

HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD MUSIC)

TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: “You Spin Me (Like A Record)” by Dead or Alive (1985)

GUILTY OF VEHICULAR FANSLAUGHTER: Lead singer Pete Burns for imitating Boy George imitating a rabid chicken imitating a goat being skewered alive up the wazoo with a rotisserie-spit.

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: One of the most egregiously nauseating sonic pop-disturbances ever to assault human eardrums — BUT a Top 20 hit in the USA in 1985 and a ’round the clock (RIGHT ’round) staple of nascent MTV programming. Back in the day, there’s no telling how many people threw themselves in front of oncoming locomotives or, conversely, onto drug-saturated dance floors upon hearing the first cat-in-estrus chords of this Offense Against All that is Good and Holy. Probably equal amounts of both. Statistics are inconclusive.

DEFINITIVE LYRIC: “You spin me right ’round, baby, right ’round, like a record baby …”

BRUSH WITH GREATNESS: Burns was once married to a hairdresser and is reputedly popular in Japan. He was also featured on the British version of Celebrity Big Brother in 2006. Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Oh, wait … the dude knew how to wear the hell out of a colubus monkey.

LAMENTABLE LEGACY: It appears there is a slim chance an identity crisis may perhaps exist, along with a possible penchant for life savings-depleting surgeries of the cosmetic (~ahem~) “enhancement” variety. Plus, the dude wore a coat made of monkeys. I mean, c’mon.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?: Hopefully, seeking intensive psychological treatment or converting to Sufi Islam. Godspeed.

EXPERIENCE THE MAGIC: Behold the spastic, herky-jerky display of neurotic neediness, the finger-wagging insouciance, the atrocious dancing, the third-rate drag bar lip-syncing/posturing, the utterly embarrassed back-up band members, and, of course, the disco ball (for gravitas).

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~I have written a new series of contemporary fantasy/horror books about a cynical 2,000 year-old sorcerer stranded among mortals and forced to feel sympathy for humans when a nasty goddess plans a mass-extermination. You know … one of those “everyday” occurrences. My warlock’s name is Rowan Blaize, the books are the kind that adults (and even young adults) will find fiendishly delicious in that mythical Star Wars-y universal Good vs. Evil sense (with some twists, I admit) and you can buy them here, at Amazon, in Kindle or paperback format, a mere click away. Enjoy, and let me know what you think. I care. I really do. – Jonathan Kieran

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