You Know You Want to Eat at Least Two

HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD FOOD FROM CHILDHOOD )

TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: VIENNA SAUSAGES

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: In America, these dainties consist of the unspeakable parts of beef, pork and chicken combined with wiggly rat tails (for color), all thrown in a Secret Hadron Atom-Smasher located 5 miles beneath the earth near Vienna, Austria and transformed into pudgy little cylinders of Molded Maybe-Meat.

DEFINITIVE QUALITY: They come seven-to-a-can but you only need three to make a classic “Hobo sandwich” if you slice each l’il treasure in half! Ask any thrifty granny.

BRUSH WITH GREATNESS: Allegedly, Lindsay Lohan, now that she’s a bit down-at-heel, mashes these babies up with a plastic fork, taps the whole mess down into the only crystal bowl she hasn’t yet pawned and serves it to guests (her mother) as pate de foie gras. (Or, as she calls it: “PATTY day FOY grass”.) You need to learn from the Lohan.

WATCH AND DROOL!: Vienna Sausages — Delicacies to be Loved and Shared with Those You Love.